I didn't know

I didn't know grief could be so exhausting 5 years later.  It is.  

I didn't know the pain could still slap me upside the head so hard 5 years later.  It does.  

I didn't know I could get old without you.  I am.  

I didn't think I would want to rip out of my skin on every anniversary of your death.  I do. 

I just don't know how other people are able to start foundations, serve, do good works, put energy into their children's memories.  It's exhausting for me, the ache in my gut.  I want to have joy, really I do.  

I just didn't know how utterly and entirely my heart would surrender.  

I didn't know I'd lose my faith.  

I didn't know I'd be grateful to let it go. 

I didn't know how desparately I'd need your brothers. I do.  

I didn't know how lonely grief would be.  It is.  

Not having you sucks.  I knew that would be the case. 

Somethings I know but I wish I didn't.

Wise but not Hardened

Elijah,

I had a dream last night.  It's weird that I feel compelled to put it here but I do.  I have wondered as I've woken why the dream wasn't about you.  I will need to ponder on that in a while but I wanted to capture the dream here. 

I dreamt I was doing a photo shoot of a girl I work with, Nicki, and her partner/fiance, Rayce. Background you need to know is that Nicki has led the hardest life of anyone I've met that is from the US.  She was raised by uber orthodox Mormon parents - and by uber orthodox I mean Old Testament types who punish children throughout their lives if they don't live precepts as parents believe.  And parents look more to behaviors than to love.  Anyway, in my dream I was doing a photo shoot of them.  All I saw in them was love and pure joy.  It's as if I saw their souls with the world cast from them.  It was as if I could only see good.  Where hardship had certainly been their lot I saw that the hardships had rolled off of them like water off a duck's back  They were made wise by what they had experienced, but hadn't been hardened by it.  They'd let the actions of the world flow without judgement and embraced their souls of pure joy and peace.  They were total light. 

It was funny cuz I kept getting upset with them because I wanted to capture that joy by getting pictures of them unaware but every time I went to take a picture, in unison they'd look at the camera and smile.... then they'd laugh at my frustrated reaction.  Then you know how dreams change in an instance?  Well, all of a sudden I was taking a picture of Nicki alone.  She was old but unchanged somehow.  She looked older but her skin was perfect and the joy and love radiated from her whole being. She was even brighter than at the photo shoot with Rayce.  She was alone.  Rayce was gone.  She was so old and I felt that Rayce had passed on but she was totally filled with joy and love.  It's as if she had a "knowing" and everything was alright.  As I was preparing to take her portrait I asked her what she was going to do now.  She looked at me with this twinkle in her eye and a mischievous smile and said, "Who knows?  Maybe I'll go on a mission."  Then she was gone and I was in shock.

Why Nicki?  Why not?  If she who has been so mistreated in this world has a soul of joy and light and can learn wisdom in this world without having her soul be hardened by it what can I learn?  How can I perceive my loss of you differently so as not to canker my soul?  Can I?  Oh Elijah, how I would love to feel that joy and peace that Nicki and Rayce radiated.  How I would love to have the difficult experiences in this world roll like water off a duck's back from my heart.  

It was a significant dream.  I will have to ponder on it and how to feel you through it.  I miss you.

Impossible

As I go to bed tonight I look at your picture. How is it possible you're gone? I miss you so much.

Your Scent

Elijah,

I don't know what to believe.  I've had 5 Extraordinary Experiences (EE).  The first was the day you died.  I went outside and looked to the sky and saw 4 birds flying in the V shape but only three were in the V one just kept circling the V.  It seemed like the one circling was watching over the other three going in a direction.  It felt so much like a representation of what you were doing with your three brothers.

The second was when I went to work 3 days after you died.  I was walking from the bus stop to Questar in Salt Lake.  When I turned a corner I felt you and I wondered what I was doing going on...I felt you near. 

The third happened when I dreamed you came to me happy and told me about being reunited with the love you had before you were born.  It felt so real and I was so happy.  I wrote a blog about it. 

The fourth was when I was in Hawaii and a lady approached me and said you wanted to tell me you were sorry you had to leave early.  How could she know you died before I was able to get home from work?

Now today I went to set down in my recliner after work.  Immediately I smelled you.  One inhale.  I looked around.  I lifted the throw blanket you gave me.  I've washed it since you died and wondered if somehow your scent could still be there but it wasn't .  It was a second but it was so real. 

I looked it up and all of these are experiences others have with loved ones who've passed.  I don't know what to think.  I love these "signs."  Psychology today wonders if they are hallucinations.  But I wasn't even thinking of you when the scent came.  I want to know Elijah.  I want to know you go on.  I want to know life exists after death.  I want to know you're happy.  I will remain open for more.

C.S. Lewis said we can't hear until we are out of our extreme hurt and mourning.  I am trying Elijah, really I am.  I'm so lost.  I've lost my faith.  I don't believe the church teachings of kingdoms and judgement. I'm trying to believe of one great whole we become.  All joined.  I just want to know.  I will hope.  I will remain open to you.  I will hold all of these things close to my heart and try to believe it's all you trying to comfort me.  But there's a part of me that still doubts.  Please keep trying to get through to me.  Please dont' give up on me.  I want to know you.  I don't care if people think I'm a crazy lady and that I'm putting too much weight on these things.  But please keep trying.  I promise I'm watching.

I love the second of scent I got from you.  Thank you.

Love,
Mom

Can it be possible to really be alive without you?

That's what I was thinking when I woke up this mornng.  Last night we went to the Provo Rooftop Concert Series.  You'd be disappointed to know that this is the last year they're doing it.  I imagined how happy you would have been to be there last night. Desert Noises and Joshua James performed.  You'd have run around helping them.  Heck you may have performed with them by now.  Listening made me realize how silent our house has gone without your background music.  It sucks Elijah.  I miss you so much.  I miss that smile of yours.  It was the happiest smile. It was the cutest smile.  It seems surreal to be alive, to have been your mother, to have known you from your first breath to your last.  How is that possible?  I watched an entire life come and go.  And yet here I am, still alive.  Barely wanting to be here.  My soul kind of just died when you did.  It is so hard to go on every day.  I love your brothers and do so so that they don't have to lose another family member, but it is hard.  It is so hard.  My soul has died.  My heart has hardened a bit.  My joy is never full.  I always have an ache.  I love you Elijah.  I miss you Elijah.  Life isn't the same.  Life will never be the same.  It will never be full again. How am I even living?  I don't understand any of this.  I don't understand anything at all.

Why?

Sometimes I think my heart will just shatter.  It physically hurts.  I don't understand why it doesn't.  Why do I still live when you so wanted to and now I just don't care?  None of this makes any sense to me at all.  Why does my heart keep beating?  My brother called this week.  There was an article in the paper where he lives by a woman he knows whose son was killed by a sniper in Afghanistan.  He was only 22.  That was 15 years ago.  She said time doesn't heal wounds; what you do with your time heals wounds.  She has organized efforts to help veterans.  It has made the difference in her life.  Maybe because I was raised Mormon and spent all of my life up to your sickness serving in the church, maybe that's why I feel too tired to go out and serve....to reach out and make someone else's life better.  I don't know......It's been suggested to think of how you will feel when we meet again if there's an afterlife, how will you feel about how I've lived since you've passed.....I'm just not as good as you Elijah.  You gave living everything you had.  I'm living with the results that it didn't matter that you gave it all.  Life just got sucked out of you.  Yes, you left everyone feeling loved.  Yes, your music touches hearts to this day.  But me, right now I'm just a mass of flesh with a gaping wound that wonders how it's possible that my heart doesn't shatter because it physically hurts so much.  And time.....three fucking years and no energy to give a shit.

Imprisioned

Watching General Conference.  Feeling imprisioned by priviledged white male patriarchy.  Wondering what you would think about the recent "revelations" from President Nelson.  Wish so much you could show yourself to me and let me know that all of this matters.  Trying to understand this world.  Did we just happen through probability of evolution?  Do I have a soul?  Will it go on?  Will I ever know or do I just have to exist and have "faith"?  Why does God withhold so much when it hurts so much and people hurt each other through his teachings?  Has he even given us any teachings or are they those of priviledged white patriarchy?  I feel so imprisioned and wish that you could save me from this broken heart and spirit by letting me know.