One day

I know it's been 26 actual days since you left us, but it feels like one day since I kissed you goodbye on my way to work. I just figured out why it seems like one excruciating day, it's because every morning is like groundhog's day-the movie. I wake up and you're not here. Everyday is like a do-over. If I just get it right I'll wake up and you'll be here. Healthy and happy like you were for 21 years. Thing is I don't know how to get this day right. We walked through the Redwoods down to the ocean. Last time we did that I thought how beautiful and marvelous it all was. This time it just was there. I look at sunsets each night. I used to see colorful, gorgeous skies. Now I see the colors but they lack magnificence. They lack grandeur. They just exist. Everything just exists ever the same. It's all lacking because you aren't here to kiss goodbye to each morning.

Life Well Lived

Aaron Hinton came over and delivered the video from your memorial. In addition, he supplied me with an hour of videos others made of you. What a great life. What a great person. What a great loss. You laughter certainly lit up a room. Your music...... I know I'm a broken record but I miss you with every fiber of my being. I'm going to have to have a talk with God. I really don't understand. I suppose that's what everyone says when a loved one goes so young. All I know is you lived a good life, a happy life, a life filled with joy. I know at times you fought depressions, and in spite of it you lifted others. When you had your last broken heart you cried to me and we resolved that you would pick yourself up and write beautiful music. And you did, "Morning After" and "Inside Out" were written to prove you were a man of your word. Even with cancer you heard music, until a month before the last day of your life. How I miss your music, your smile, your hopping to me from inside a room to yell "Boo!" And your friends. I know I will so miss them. You and your friends filled our home with such joy for so many years. Why did you have to grow up? Why is cancer not cured? Why couldn't my love save you? I hope, Elijah that there is life after death and resurrection. I hope I will be good enough to join you where you are and hug you once again. I love you. I miss you.

Breakable Mom

We drove to the Redwoods and hiked to the ocean to spread some of your ashes. I couldn't do it. I can't bear to willingly part with any part of you. I still feel like I'm in the worst nightmare of my life. I'm surrounded by loved ones trying to lift me up and I want to be happy and show gratitude for the blessings I still have, but living without you just hurts right now. Not knowing if we really have spirits that go on forever. It's not like it even matters. For the rest of my life I will wake up to mornings without your sweet "I love you, Mom" and nights will indeed be dark without "See you in the morning." It hurts and I'm broken. God, I love you Elijah. You were the background music in my life's movie. Forever silenced. 😢

Friend Love and Loss

Elijah Kent Buxton, I said my final farewell to you on Thursday, after you took to the sky. It's now early Monday morning, I can't sleep, and the thought just occurred to me, that today will be the first Monday in 6 weeks that I will not spend the day spinning records for you, watching TV with you, listening to you play your guitar & filling your ice bags. I will not be sitting on the bench in your hallway talking to you through the open bathroom door while you lay in the bathtub, and this afternoon, I will not be fixing you pork and beans and tuna salad sandwiches for lunch, no more 7-eleven runs for coke slurpees. I feel like I've been gutted....that's the only way to describe it, but I also feel like one of the luckiest dudes on the planet, cuz I got to do those things for you, and with you, even if it was for just a short time. A few weeks ago, I arrived home from a day with you, and I printed the ukulele chords to little orphan Annie's anthem, TOMORROW. At the time, it seemed fitting after watching you fighting for your beautiful life....... The sun'll come out, Tomorrow bet your bottom dollar that tomorrow, there'll be sun.... Just thinking about, tomorrow, clears away the cobwebs and the sorrow, 'til theres none When I'm stuck with a day, that's gray, and lonely, i just stick out my chin and grin and say.... The sun'll come out tomorrow, so ya gotta hang on 'til tomorrow, come what may.... Tomorrow, tomorrow, i love ya tomorrow, you're only a day away. Tomorrow, tomorrow, i love ya tomorrow you're only a day away. I even had an old red afro wig that I was going to wear for shits and giggles, cuz I wanted nothing more than to hear you laugh. But I was too late. Honestly, I think you may have dodged a serious bullet, because I just performed it in the privacy of my own living room and it was pure crap, i mean we are talking, make your ears bleed crap!!! and I'm certain you didn't have enough pain meds on your night stand to endure that kind of torture. In all seriousness though, I hope you know how much I love you and how grateful I am for our short and random friendship. I haven't regularly spoken with the man upstairs in quite some time but the last few months we have gotten re-aquainted. Tonight, I am asking him for one thing.....to please let my memories of you stay vivid, clear and easily recalled in the days, weeks, months and years to come, cuz they are good memories, ones worth holding on to. Arcade Fire sang it best: You changed all the lead, sleeping in my head to gold, as the day grows dim, i hear you sing your golden hymn, A song i wish i could sing.... Thanks for being the reminder of everything good that this life has to offer. Your eternal optimism really did change my life. You were loyal, you were kind and you loved your life.....what a concept!!!!! You are probably at band practice with the angels, preparing for your "great gig in the sky" but on those days when things are a little slow up there in the wild blue yonder, send us signs, little reminders that you are still there watching over us. cuz we will never stop needing you. All the love in the world and a huge thank you. you are a LEGEND. And remember, you promised me that I could be the president of your fan club. fat hug my friend, i love you. Jentry PS. I could kick myself for not taking a few more photos of us. I only have this one from our brunch at Finns, with ol Mäx Senger. The rest are just stored in my head. Jentry Nourse's photo. Jentry Nourse's photo. LikeShow more reactionsCommentShare 56Ryan Buxton, Leah Rowberry and 54 others Comments Mäx Senger Mäx Senger Well said jentry. Love you guys! Like · Reply · 1 · Yesterday at 4:18am Sharon Anderson Gross Sharon Anderson Gross We are so sorry for the loss of your friend, Jentry. As your tomorrow comes, we pray God will encourage your heart with good things. You are a good, kind man. Like · Reply · 1 · Yesterday at 4:37am Justin Carver Justin Carver That's really cool Jentry. I'm sorry for the loss of your good buddy. I know how much you looked forward to your Monday's. I hope we are all as lucky as Eli to find such a great person to spend our final moments with. Like · Reply · 2 · Yesterday at 6:17am Ellen Skollingsberg Ellen Skollingsberg Jentry Nourse, as I read, through tears, your beautiful message to your dear friend Elijah I thought to myself how blessed I was to meet YOU Jentry as a student and how blessed I am now to be able to call such a kind, generous, selfless, and loving 'gentle'man a friend! My heart aches for you at this time Jentry as you are dealing with the pain of loss. Take Care ! Like · Reply · 1 · Yesterday at 6:39am Jordanna Smith Jordanna Smith I hate to start my morning of with tears but I just can't help it this morn! Praying for peace and comfort to you and his family and hoping he does send some signs from above! As Justin said I hope I have such a friend in my final moments. Love you! Like · Reply · 2 · Yesterday at 7:52am Elijah Kent Buxton Elijah Kent Buxton Jentry as I picked up Elijah's phone this morning (which feels like a part of him) your post is the first sounds I hear in my head and they're so beautiful. I thought I'd send this message from his phone so you'd have another lovely post with his name ...See More Like · Reply · 3 · Yesterday at 8:23am Jentry Nourse replied · 1 Reply Rae Lynn Allen Rae Lynn Allen Sorry for your loss. That was a beautiful tribute to your friend. I'm sure he heard that epic performance of "Tomorrow" and just laughed away at you from above. Like · Reply · 1 · Yesterday at 8:39am Michelle Allison Michelle Allison Beautiful tribute. I'm sorry for your loss and sending hugs and sunshine your way. ❤ Like · Reply · 1 · Yesterday at 9:29am Amy Reynolds Canter replied · 2 Replies Caisha Lee King Caisha Lee King So sorry for your loss jent, beautiful tribute 💜💜💜 Like · Reply · 1 · Yesterday at 9:44am Kathy Todd Webster Kathy Todd Webster I'm so sorry Jentry for your loss of a dear and close friend. It's an indescribable pain a pain I wish I could take away. Your in my thoughts always Jentry. Like · Reply · 1 · Yesterday at 10:38am Dick Nourse Dick Nourse Very well stated Jentry! He must have been such a special friend. The kind who don't regularly come along in life. Like · Reply · 2 · Yesterday at 12:12pm Nichole Almond Summerhays Nichole Almond Summerhays Jentry I'm so impressed with your touching message you shared. I've always known how sweet, kind & whimsical you are. So hearing how you thoughtfully help in time of need was no surprise. You are that friend that everyone wishes they had!!!! Sorry for your loss, my thoughts are with you. Like · Reply · 1 · Yesterday at 3:09pm Josi Nourse Gross Josi Nourse Gross Ohhh, well said jent, as usual. You really are the greatest! I hope his family, and you as well, find peace of mind in the days to come. You did wonderful things for Eli, and him for you. Love ya Jent. Like · Reply · 1 · Yesterday at 4:06pm Nate Wojcik Nate Wojcik Sorry to hear, bud. Rest in peace, Elijah... Like · Reply · 20 hrs Angie N Jeff Stephenson Angie N Jeff Stephenson ❤️😇😥 Like · Reply · 16 hrs Deb Buxton Write a comment... Choose File

Of Flights on the Fringe

Oh my dear Elijah how incredibly much I miss you. Words are so hollow. This morning I went outside and sat in the hammock Jentry bought you that you never got to use. I looked up in the sky and four white birds with black tipped wings were circling in the sky. Thing was three were flying in formation and the fourth was flying around them. As they moved from west to east then north out of my sight the three birds continued in alternating in their formation but one just circled them as they changed direction, ever on the fringe. That's exactly how I see you now. Flying on the fringe while your brothers fly together moving through life. I love you so, so, so very much.

Gone

I got up yesterday and gave you a kiss on the forehead before I left for work like I always do. I said, "I love you" like everyday only today you didn't wake up and say it back. I was glad you were getting rest and breathing easy. I get called out of a meeting at work to be told that my husband's been trying to get a hold of me. I call him and he tells me I better come home, Elijah is going down hill quickly. I pull together my things and get rides. The freeway was a parking lot. 8 wrecks. We go State Street. Mike calls and wonders how long we'll be. Elijah has died but you don't tell me. I think things must be bad because it sounded like he'd been crying but I never imagined.... I get home to my three living sons and husband who gather me in their arms and tell me, "He's gone." NO!NO!NO!NO!NO!NO!NO!NO!NO!NO! that's all that would come. "Where is he? Is he still here?" I run into the house. Gone is the oxygen tubing, the IV stand, the night stands, all of it but the hospital bed now laying flat whereas this morning it was in an upright position so you could breathe. There you lay. Beautiful baby boy. Beautiful son. Beautiful human being. I lay by your side and caressed your perfectly round head. I stroked your cheeks. I held you. I did not want to let you go. I thought it was hard to see you in pain, oh how excruciating the loss. To never see those beautiful round blue eyes say, "I love you mummsie." Anymore. The sun went down. The sun came up and there were no morning kisses. Only sweet I love you Lij to the air.

I DONT KNOW...

When I was a kid, I remember looking at all the adults in my life…… I thought they knew everything.  It seemed like none of them ever said, “I don’t know.”  I grew up thinking that one day I would have all the answers to whatever life threw at me.  For the last 10 years though, I feel like I’ve been scratching my head and saying, “I just don’t know” way more than, “I know.”

Nearly two years ago, I met Elijah Kent Buxton at the Annex Pub in Sugarhouse.  I live in the neighborhood and the Annex became my home away from home.  The first time I walked into the place, I met Elijah.  It was mid-morning, and I was with my buddy from high school and his wife who were visiting from Denver.  We were the only ones there.  A few minutes into our conversation, Eli came and sat at the bar with us.  He was reading Essays in Existentialism by Jean-Paul Sartre.  He began conversing with us when my friends and I started talking about music.  We liked a lot of the same stuff: Arcade Fire, Sigur Ros, Conor Oberst.  I immediately knew I liked the kid.   Long story short, at the time I DIDN’T KNOW, that a year and a half later we would be friends through emails, text messages and Facebook Messenger. I DIDN’T KNOW I would grow to love him like my own little brother and WE DIDN’T KNOW that while we were sitting at the bar, enjoying a conversation between complete strangers, that he had cancer.  20 months later, I DON’T KNOW why my friend is sick in a hospital bed.  I DON’T KNOW how he remains so strong. I DON’T KNOW why I’ve had the good fortune of spending Monday afternoons with him for the last 5 or 6 weeks. I DON’T KNOW why his brothers and parents have taken time out of their days and nights to give me an update.. when a few days have passed and I haven’t heard from Elijah because he has been in so much pain, that he’s unable to respond……But here is what I DO KNOW:

I KNOW that when I met him I was sad. Going through the motions that we sometimes go through in this life, when it all seems like too much, when it seems like a dark cloud is hovering over you and you can’t seem to make it go away.

I KNOW that Elijah seemed like one of the happiest humans I had ever encountered.

I KNOW that when I met him, I immediately wanted to find out what made him glow.

I KNOW that 2 human beings can become friends without ever really saying much or hanging out.

I KNOW that music can lift the sickest of spirits.

I KNOW that I’ve done more crying in 20 months than I have in all 38 years of my life combined.

I KNOW that before me, each Monday, sits a human being with a ridiculously strong will to live and beat this nasty cancer.

I KNOW that Elijah knows that he is loved.

I KNOW that on more than one occasion, I have been watching him from the couch, his eyes closed, and he opens his eyes and sees me staring at him with tears in my eyes and he always just smiles and says, “life is beautiful when people are good to each other.”

I KNOW he wakes up every day and literally gives it everything he’s got.

I KNOW I believe in him

I KNOW that I look forward to the day when we can look back and “flip the bird” to cancer.

I KNOW I want to see him perform his music.

I KNOW that the world would be a much better place if everyone was kind, like Eli.

I KNOW that when a person decides to start a conversation with another human being, a fellow traveler on the path of this unpredictable life, that a life can be completely changed for the better.

I KNOW he needs all of us right now.

I KNOW that life can be gut wrenching and beautiful at the same time, and I KNOW that we don’t always have to have the answers, in fact, NOT KNOWING sometimes leads us to the best lessons we will ever learn.

I HOPE that each of us can find a way to be there for Elijah and his family. That we can keep his spirits up, because I KNOW he would do the same for us.  

 

I love you all,

I love you Elijah.