a Hummingbird......

Elijah Kent,
Having a rough day today my friend.  Last night was the Sigur Ros concert. Like you told me to do if you weren't here, I went with your brother Ryan.  He had T-ball practice with Beck & Bob and I was waiting in the front yard when he pulled up.   I took a new handkerchief for both of us because we had both talked about how emotional the night was going to be.  Were you watching? At the intermission we talked to Kyle & Jared. There we were,the 4 of us, thinking about you. I bawled my eyes out while i was getting ready, i cried a bit as i drove to Ryan's house, and then nothing during the show, which took me by complete surprise. There was this calm that i felt though.  The first half of the show was full of new material that i wasn't familiar with, during the second song, they had technical difficulties and left the stage for a minute.  After intermission, they came back out and blew us away with so many of their great songs.  Fljotavik was my favorite.....that one haunts me, always has.  We talked about it one time when i was visiting you.  The lights, the fog, Jonsi and his high falseto, playing that electric guitar with a violin bow, and these incredible images floating across the backdrop and all I could do was just sit there and study the genius of it all.  Ryan and I caught an Uber home, said goodnight, and i went home an bawled my ugly mug to sleep.  i cant explain it. With you I know I don't have to.....you always just get it. I woke up this morning and reached up to the top of my headboard and couldn't find my glasses.  I must have been thrashing around in the night and they fell behind the bed.  I got my flashlight out and tried to find them, but since i cant see a damn thing with out them, and didn't have time to move my mattress and lift the box springs up so i had to wear my ugly glasses all day and i got to work and was fighting the weeps all day long.  How long will this happen?  do you ever go to bed crying?  i have these moments of numb and then days where it just won't stop. Maybe something is wrong with me? I don't know.

UGHHHHHHHHHH! its now nearly a month later, and I am having another horrible day.  Ok, actually its been 2 terrible days and there are no signs of it stopping.. I'm not entirely surprised, I talked to to you one time about how Labor Day hits every year and I can literally feel my emotions take a sharp turn down the toilet. Everyone always shakes their head like they totally get it and they go "OMG you have Seasonal Affective Disorder, take some vitamin D and get a sun lamp, you'll be ok."  Last year was a miraculous year, winter was mild, I had just wrapped up the best, busiest, most fun filled summer of my life and I was on cloud 9 when fall came.  I had this renewed hope that I was going to get through it, and I did, but this year it's like something has snapped.  I haven't slept in 2.5 weeks.  like maybe 2 hours a night, if that.., I've been told that I look like shit by about 3 different people, and I've gotten that "whats up?" look from about 10 people and I don't know how to answer. Got a D on my geology test, funny thing is, I can't muster the strength to care. Friday, I was sitting at my desk and I pulled up my Spotify account, in need of something new, yet familiar to listen to.  Why not Wilco?  Here's why I should not have chosen Wilco....because then I was reminded of how much you and your family love Wilco,  I sent a screen shot to your dad and a quick message about how it had been some time since I had listened to one of their albums from start to finish and that I was thinking of them---the album title alone should have been warning enough (a ghost is born) but, Jeff Tweedy has that voice, the one that draws you in, so I sat there updating all of my spreadsheets at work and Hummingbird came on and every friggin' emotion I've been trying to control for months came flooding in....and I lost it. snapped, flipped my lid, LOST IT!

Remember to remember me
Standing still in your past
Floating fast like a hummingbird

His goal in life was to be an echo
They type of sound that floats around and then back down like a feather
But in the steep chrome canyons of the loudest Manhattans
no one could hear him
or anything

So he slept on a mountain
in a sleeping bag underneath the stars
he would lie awake and count them
and the grey fountain spray of the great Milky Way
would never let him
Die alone

Remember to remember me
Standing still in your past
floating fast like a hummingbird

A hummingbird......

so that started this bawling that hasn't stopped in over 48 hours.
I slept for 11 hours yesterday, woke up, the second my feet hit the floor I started bawling again.
Went to brunch at Finns, another mistake, another memory of you, saw Marabello from the Annex, got teary again, went home mowed the lawn, raked the leaves, bawled and bawled, called Ryan to see if I could stop by to bring Bob his furry spider that I got him for his birthday, went down and bawled some more on your brothers couch, Beck asked me what I was going to be for Halloween and when I told him David Bowie, he asked if that was a person or an animal, so I showed him a picture and he asked if it was a boy or a girl, so that made me smile and then I started bawling again.

I've never been so angry,
I've never felt so hollow,
I've never missed someone like i miss you,
I've never questioned my sanity, like i do today,
I've never questioned, life and my existence like i have in the past few months.
I've never had my heart hurt for someones loss the way it does for yours.

I told Ryan last night that one of the things that kills me is all of these thoughts I have about things you'll never experience.  Like a high school reunion. my 20th was in August and I had a blast, I was in charge of it so I went to pay the Bar for everything and was feeling like a million bucks, like we had pulled off this really awesome night, and immediately I thought of you and how you'll never go to a reunion and I had to go to the bathroom and try to gather myself.

Why this 39 year old dude has to have the emotions of a 12 year old girl i will never understand, but that's been a problem and a life long question that doesn't seem to have an answer.  If I have to be caught crying, by co-workers, family members, neighbors, I can't think of human, or memory more worthy of some tears than you, the one and only Elijah Kent.

What does this all mean, my friend?  At what point will I be able to smile and go. " he's ok, he's good, he wants us to be happy, to go do the things he never got to do?"

I love you, and I miss you\ but that doesn't even scratch the fuckin' surface, so I'm going to continue bawling cuz that is the only thing that's coming naturally to me right now.

I'm so sorry it ended the way it did for you. you deserved so much more.
If this is the last post I post with any sort of sanity left in me, I want you to know how much it meant to me to have you as a friend....I mean that from the bottom of my guts.....no one will ever compare. It was something that can't be explained. you grabbed my guts more that anyone ever has, at a time when  my guts needed grabbing cuz i was pretty much ready to throw in the towel...The how, and what and when and where and why just boggles me every time i try to wrap my head around it, you would think i would just quit trying, but it remains one of the greatest and most beautiful mysteries to me, and someday i want an answer.

gonna go crazy now.....

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Jentry  

     

This is the place.

I miss you so much.  Have I said that before?  When I see what we were doing 2 years ago at this time the whole stupid tragedy began.  What?  Only 18 months from start to finish?  So much pain and heartache.  In some ways it feels like eons.  In others, it's only yesterday.  For those of Elijah's friends who took the time to follow this blog, you may want to unfollow.  Mike told me he didn't think it was good to wear my heart on my sleeve on Facebook so I think I'll just have to stop posting there.  I'll follow everyone and make good comments, but I'll be keeping my pain to myself.  I realize seeing others' pain and not being able to do a damn thing about it is hard and I don't want to make life hard for others.  But here, this is my place.  Elijah wanted this blog.  He said he deserved this blog but he never really got to see it.  He was so weak by the time Leanne and I put it together.  So now it's my place for me and Elijah (and occasionally Jentry gets to hurt here too.)  I don't think anyone in my family sees this but Leanne does and I know she'll be ok if I wear my heart on my sleeve as will Jentry.  We know we really can't do anything but hurt together and go on. Sometimes the hurt is just so incredibly deep that I just have to put it out there or it will eat me up inside.I don't understand God's plan. I've decided I'd rather believe in him than not, but now I'm on a journey to understand.  I know you can't enjoy the sweet without the bitter but isn't it bad enough to have to work through family relationships, disappointments, job losses, bad test scores, bad economies....do we really have to have murder, disease, car wrecks, suicide, etc?  Why couldn't the plan allow us to die peaceful deaths at 50+ years or 60+?  What harm would it be in allowing parents to love their children and die before them in all instances?  Why take our children?  Why suffer from diseases that will probably be cured in 500 years?  The church has pat answers for all of this but it so doesn't resonate with me.  Or, why can't the Lord just let us all experience seeing our loved ones like at the end of the movie "Ghost" so we know?  Why must faith mean not knowing for the rest of my life?  Why must I get up each day and not have the comfort of having him say to me, "Mom, I'm happy, Heaven's great and I am alive?"  I wish I could at least have him tell me he is alive.  Other people testify of seeing loved ones.  It's not like I'm asking for hours with him.  Just a minute.  Just enough time to say I'm so sorry I wasn't there that day.  He said he wished I could stay home.  oh why didn't I listen?  Why didn't I realize the end was so close?  I tried so hard to hold out hope for him and if I went to work he'd know he wasn't that bad.  He slept so soundly that morning.  The one morning I didn't get to hear him say, "I love you Mom" before I went to work. I wouldn't wake him because he was sleeping so soundly.  He didn't even awaken when I kissed him and whispered ever so lightly - "I love you 'Lij." Why couldn't I be one of those people that can see the spirit leave the body?  Why couldn't I be there to tell him I loved him like each of his brothers and Dad got to do?  I feel like I really failed him.  I was the only one not there, the only one.... his mom.  I feel like such a crappy mom. What mother doesn't recognize her son's last days?  I should never have been a mother.  I've done more harm than good.  My poor sons, I tried, really I did but I failed them in so many ways.  I still do. How is it that they're so much more wise than me?  Why couldn't God have taken me instead?  What happens now?  How do I approach life?  What matters?  How will I screw up today?  The only thing I'm really good at is employment.  I feel like I should just spend 24/7 at work. At least if you put your energies into work and people that aren't family, you can generally feel successful.  You don't spend time in relationships at the family level at work so you don't screw people up.  Elijah, why you got me as a mom I'll never know.  You're heart was too good for me.  I'm sorry if I hurt you.  I'm so sorry.  I love you so much.  I miss you so much.  I want you back so much.  I want to see you so much. I hurt so much without you. I feel so alone here.  Everyone else has lives.  I dont' know if I want a life.  It's too painful.  Michael and Ryan have families.  Ben and Mike have their friends and adventures.  I have work.  I don't know what I want but I do know you helped me feel needed and loved.  You were the best and now you're gone.  What am I supposed to do with that?

Trying to Live

Gosh Elijah, I read another book this week telling me that people live after they die.  All of these near-death experiences, witnesses to the spirit leaving the body, angels visiting.  I have no evidence you still exist.  The book I read this week: One Foot in Heaven was written by a hospice nurse who had a near-death experience when she was 16.  She said it's her experience that it's very unusual for people not to feel the presence of their loved one when they've passed.  What's the problem with us? What's the problem with me?  Am I so out of tune?  I so want to feel you.  People talk about feeling engulfed by love, of hearing their loved one, of being directed by their loved one, of being visited by their love one.  Nothing here.  Not one damn thing to indicate you're still alive in spirit playing beautiful music, meeting wonderful people, having great experiences.  Was I not loving enough that God could let you do something?  Anything?  I'm trying so hard Elijah, really I am.  I'm trying to believe in God,.  I'm trying to understand His purpose in this.  I'm trying to see my blessings. I'm so very alone in this venture to believe, to hope, to exercise faith.  What's wrong with me?  What lack I yet?  There's been no balm of Gilead. No comfort. No relief from hurting for the loss of you.  Yes, I'm going on.  Yes, I'm trying to be strong.  Yes, I'm forging a life.  Why won't God let me feel you?  4  1/2 months.  Silence.  Cold emptiness where you once provided warmth.  I miss you so much. I haven't been able to listen to your music for a while.  It hurts and yet I'm so thankful I get to hear your voice and see the videos. I'm thankful but I want to know you're ok, you're happy, you're alive.  This is so hard, so very hard.  By far the worst trial of my life.  Oh how I feel for parents who lose children, for parents who can't provide for their children.  Where I used to be sad when I saw those sad stories, now I'm so entirely overcome by them.  Can this ever possibly be turned to my good?  I don't really care as long as you still live and are happy.  I just wish I could know.  I'll take a burning in the bosom. Please please please.  Can't God send a messenger my way?