Far Reaching

Do you realize how far reaching your influence has been? Europe, the Hawaiian Islands, East Coast to West Coast, inside my heart.

Can't believe

I can't believe I won't see or hear you again while I'm alive. Each time I think that, my heart stops and I have to catch my breath. I want my son back. This is just too much.

Acting

Just can't wrap my head around time anymore. I think about you everyday, yet I can't believe it's been two weeks since I posted my thoughts here. I get up very early and go to bed late at night. Lately I've been lucky to get 6 hours of sleep a night so I do alot of sleeping in on the weekends to catch up. I have such heavy sadness in my heart while my brain tells me to play the optimist and come out of it before people tire of me. What does it help to show sadness really? It's not like sadness will bring you back. At least happiness will put others at ease and cause them to feel alright around me. Even at home, I'm sure Dad would prefer a lift instead of Debbie Downer. I can fake it with others and they'll never know so why not? I can be free to cry alone. My heart can be sinking while the lips are smiling. Never been one to lie, but the truth is depressing me. Perhaps the old saying is true, "Fake it until you make it." Perhaps if my face reflects what I want my body will follow suit. Better to follow the feelings of my existing heart than live in the hole. Breathe Deb, just breathe. Step onto the stage and act.

God delivers, Sufyan-not so much

So Elijah, tonight was the night we came to the Red Rock Amphitheatre for Sufyan's Carrie and Lowell Tour.  I was set to feel your presence as he sang his songs of mourning. I wanted to hear him sing "Drawn to the Blood" so I could really feel the depth of my soul in a hopeful connection to you. As we hiked up to the Venue, storm clouds sprinkled lightly on us bringing wonderful relief from the heat. Looking ahead of us once again, like on our walk to your memorial, in the sky was the most beautiful double rainbow.  As we sat listening to the last of the warm up band, the clouds parted revealing a bright full moon. The rainbow, the red rocks, the full moon, a wonderful start to connect with your spirit through the soft heartfelt music of Sufyan. But alas, it wasn't to be. You see he has had a long time to mourn. He needs to feel alive again. He was so thankful he was breathing. So the concert became alive and rocking. It was too soon for me Elijah. I'm not ready to rock out. I'm not ready to sing and shout. I only want to hold you in my heart and in my arms. I want to feel the warmth of your embrace, touch your face, make you well. Ben and Dad say you would have loved the concert. I'm sure you would. Me, I'm grateful for the rainbow, the full moon, the cool breezes, and      thoughts of you, but of concerts rocking out, it's too soon.

Never Not Thinking of you.

Elijah Kent,

Just because you are gone doesn't mean that I'm not going to begin each blog post as if I'm writing you a letter....I had dinner with your mom on Wednesday.  What a fantastic woman.  Mostly, I was over the moon that she would take time out of her difficult day, to drive a car to work so that she could meet me and have a chat about the one and only you. we laughed, we cried on and off the entire evening, and I didn't want the conversation to end.  Gone a month and it still stings every time I think of you, which is 100 times a day.  I have been thinking about the SEVERAL awesome friends that I have made since our Monday's began, and honestly, I am humbled that since you left us, I have either hung out with or corresponded with members of your family multiple times a week.  They are like the lifeline for me to keep your memory alive.  I've learned so much.  I went to Beck's birthday party where Ryan showed me your attic bedroom, I've hung out with Jordan Whipple and Courtney 3 times, I went to dinner with Ben and then wandered the Arts Festival with him and all we talked about was you. We ran into John Fox from the Annex, I have chatted with Kristina and Nathan Marabello, and the conversations are all centered around you.  

I wonder if you had any idea during the last few weeks of your life how many people loved you, how many prayers were being said on your behalf, how many tears were being shed?  I told your mom how the last time I saw you, (memorial day) I went to leave and you grabbed my hand, like you always did and you said "i Love you, man" and i said, "i Love you too, Buddy" and then you gripped my hand extra hard for a few extra seconds. As I pulled away from your house I had this sick feeling that perhaps it was going to be the last time I saw you.  I drove to the bottom of the hill and had to pull onto the McDonald's parking lot and I cried harder that I've ever cried before.  After about 20 minutes, i grabbed a coke in the drive thru and made my way home.  Buddy, this isn't getting any easier.  I can't remember the last time I slept more than 4 hours at night, there isn't a playlist on Spotify that doesn't have some song that reminds me of you, every time I go to the grocery store I notice the beets on the produce shelf, I've read a years worth of text messages from you over and over, I have the note you left on my couch that day with your fancy cursive writing......and while there is an overwhelming sadness that I feel each time I think of you, you should know that there is also a huge sense of gratitude and humility that i feel too.  I'm reminded of the many posts on facebook where you encouraged your friends to live their lives to the fullest and I am trying to do that, its just so much harder that I expected, which obviously re-affirms what we all seem to know....you were more than just another friend, you were a rare and beautiful creature.  One time, a few months back, I received a message from Ryan, he was at the ER with you and we were texting back and forth and I told him that one of my observations about you was how you seemed so "humbly unaware of your own magic".....you just had a miraculous way of shining brighter than most and you made it look easy. How'd you do that? whats the secret? If one wanted to really venture into the world looking like they had the world all "sussed out," where would they begin? i should have asked you to leave me some instructions for that because you were an absolute master........a lover of life.

Another thing that made me think of you was the date I had tonight with a girl I used to run around with.  I remember the first Monday I came to sit with you and you wanted me to sit on the bench in the hallway outside the bathroom while you got in the tub so we could chat.  So there I was, laying in the hallway, and you said, "why aren't you in love with someone?" and I just sort of stuttered,  uuuuuuuuhhhhhh, well, I , um, I don't know, but I had the biggest grin on my face and thought to myself, "this kid doesn't mess around, he just cuts right to the chase."  and we talked about it and you just said, "you need to find someone to love and someone to love you."  so there I was, taking relationship advice from a kid 15 years my junior and the thing is, you were right.  I do need someone, we all do.

While i feel like my faith isn't what is used to be, i go to bed every night hoping that somewhere, somehow, you are able to look down on us and that you are able to see the impact you had on our lives and i still hold out hope, although some might think it foolish, that one day ill see you again and we will listen to all of the songs that we never listened to, and chat about all of the random things that we never got to talk about.  I wonder if you hear me say, I love you, Pal" every time i pass your picture. I am learning Lua, by bright eyes on the ukulele and I remember our conversation about that particular song like it was yesterday.

I am never NOT thinking of you.

I Love ya,

Jentry

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You Went to a Funeral and Then You Went Home

You heard some bad news from a friend, relative, social media, church or maybe in a gossip circle. However you heard, you immediately felt bad, asked how to help, donated time, food, money or prayers. Whatever you did, the family was grateful, even if they didn’t say it. They were blessed by your gifts. Life goes back to normal. The family sits on your heart. You pray, you ask, you follow the updates. You did what you could. One day, you heard the really bad news: Death won and a family lost. Forever. 2014-05-29-bwmomentScottAna.jpg Once again, you prayed, you helped, gave what you could. Even if you didn’t know it, the family was thankful for you, your help, your prayers, your love and your support. You attended the funeral, cried some real tears, laughed some real laughs, enjoyed the memories of the one who is gone. Finally, you hugged the ones who lost the most. Once the funeral was over and the day was done, you went home. Back to life, back to love, back to those who make your world complete. You went to a funeral, and then you went home. We all lose, but someone that day, went to a funeral and didn’t want to go home. Someone that day, drove home to the couch, the bed, the house that is forever empty. Life is not like it once was and never will be again. Where there was once laughter, sits an empty chair. The couch is bigger, the blankets and pillows are extra. There are empty shoes, clothes, toiletries that might never be used. Bags sit. Drugs disposed. So much to do and SO MANY MEMORIES left to be remembered, processed and grieved. Time passes and the wounds are not healed. Sometimes, life feels normal and OK. Then a birthday, holiday, celebration occurs and the loss is real all over again. Sometimes life is normal, and for no reason at all, the LOSS comes right back, like it happened again. There is loneliness, emptiness and tears. “Public faces” put on a show, and comfort the ones who interact. “Home faces” are real, raw and honest. There are headaches, stomachaches and countless mistakes made all because the grief lives in place of the person who completed a family. Not to mention the questions, the hurt, the anger that sits because it is hard to face. Days pass, holidays pass, milestones completed the grief lives, despite how the family looks in public. Remember, it’s a face, a show, an act, it’s not always real; however, it’s not always fake. When you go to a funeral, and are allowed to go home to life, remember that at least one person goes home to a new life that was NOT asked for, but handed to them. Give those people more than sympathy or judgement; give them an endless amount of time to grieve in their own way. For that one act of kindness and grace, they will be forever grateful for you. Courtney is a mom, teacher, photographer, writer and dreamer. Visit www.oursmallmoments.com.

Hit by a Mack Truck

I got on the Frontrunner this morning feeling pretty good. A smile came naturally to my face. I got to work and a friend told me I was looking radiant then asked how I was feeling. I told her honestly I was feeling pretty good. It felt unbelievable. I was glad to feel a lift in my spirit. Then came lunch. I decided it was a pretty day and I would go out to the Robin's Nest and get an egg salad sandwich. I went down the elevator, walked out the door and WHAM - I was hit by a Mack Truck. At least that's how it felt. All of a sudden I had my breath taken away and I started crying. Then thoughts of Elijah living in Salt Lake City came to my mind. As I walked to the restaurant it didn't let up. I continued crying as I ordered my lunch, got it, went outside and ate it, returned to the office, and sat at my desk. The president's assistant came to tell me she was going to lunch and caught me crying. I currently sit in my own little area where people don't usually see me and that's been a wonderful blessing. Today, however, I got caught. I tried to stifle my tears and was pretty successful until I left to go home and hit the outdoors once again. There's no rhyme or reason. It just came. The truck found me, smacked me, and ruined my otherwise good day. How long until I can concentrate on my blessings? How long until my other children and grandchildren get their mother and grandmother back? I know this hole in my heart will never heal, just scar over. But is this my new normal? In some ways I never want to stop hurting. In my sick little mind hurting is loving. I so want Elijah back. People tell me I'll see him again, but I will never see him while I'm living and so I wait the rest of my life with empty arms. I know I have a husband and sons and daughters-in-law, parents and grandchildren. But each one is loved independently from the others. A loss of any of them leaves my arms empty when I want to hold them. I don't mean to be a whiner, but I miss him so much and it hurts so badly. It's like getting hit by a Mack Truck.

Beach Time

Waves. That's my life now. Elijah sings, "If you feel the size of the ocean's tide know you will survive; don't let go." I know these words intimately because of him. My mind, emotions, abilities flow in and out. The tides create waves. That's the way grief is. It goes in and out; and comes in waves. I know I will survive but... surviving and enjoying the blessings of life are two different things. Elijah said, "It's the memories you make and the moments you save that guides us through this new age." Man, is that ever true. I hold onto those memories and moments. I play his music everyday. I am surrounded by his pictures. I don't know if that's a good thing, but I do know I love to see him and hear his beautiful voice. I spoke with a coworker who lost a grown child 6 years ago. He said they still haven't gotten past it. They will go to do things and end up saying they can't believe their child is not going to be there. He had a hard time talking about it. This is six years into it. For me it still feels like one long day Elijah hasn't been here. The times and seasons are so different. Sun rises and sun sets....what do they mean now? Ben put Elijah's ashes in the Gulf of Mexico today. He's in all these wonderful places yet never escapes my heart. I'm wondering what beach time will be like? Waves everywhere I suppose.

elkebü - Morning After (Official Music Video)

What would Elijah do?

Tonight I had dinner with Elijah's friend Jentry. (Now our whole family's friend....like family) We were talking about the positive impacts Elijah's short life had on so many people. I remarked how he taught me to truly love people and how to be a more patient driver. Jentry told me that people say, "What would Jesus do?" and after knowing Elijah he thinks, "What would Elijah do?" Although as Christians we hold Christ as our example, we did not live when Jesus did. Elijah had the light of Christ in so many ways. So, I catch myself thinking, "What would Elijah do?" when I drive. Jentry brought to my mind how much Elijah loved life and how he told people what a great world it is. As a matter of fact, Jentry shared with me the prayer he offered at Elijah's memorial service. He said his mind was too mixed up from emotions that he had to write it down. I'm so glad he did. I hope he doesn't mind, but I want to share it here because I'm hoping as time passes and I think on this prayer over and over that I will think, "What would Elijah do?" and try to find joy again in my life.
Elijah Kent Buxton Celebration of Life Prayer

We are grateful to have a beautiful venue and evening to celebrate and honor the life of Elijah Kent Buxton.

We are mindful of the efforts made by family, friends, neighbors and ward members to make this night possible; for the time, talents and resources that have been offered with so much love.

We are thankful that we have such a tremendous life to celebrate. For the love Elijah gave to each of us so freely and unconditionally; and for the memories that we each have of our time with him. Regardless of the relationship, the when and where, or the how and why, the common thread is that he loved us, and we loved him. We will continue to love him.

In the days to come we hope for clear minds and hearts. We hope that our memories will be vivid, easily recalled and may they never fade. May his family know how many of us loved their son, grandson, brother and uncle. As they grieve the loss of Elijah may they know that they have a huge support system and so many people who are ready and willing, no matter the hour, to listen and remember this stunning soul who wandered with us on life's journey for a short but gorgeous few years.

Let us remember Elijah's passion for life and the commitment he made to remain positive and humble through the darkest of days; and let us find within ourselves the desire to live with that same resolve...To spread kindness to everyone we meet.

As we conclude our tribute to Elijah this evening we will remember his goodness; may the love he had for us be felt. May we mingle with each other and understand and contemplate the beauty of the diversity among us.

Let us now enjoy the music that has been thoughtfully prepared and rehearsed by his friends and family. May they play their hearts out for Elijah and may he have a front row seat for the remainder of our tribute to him wherever he rests tonight.

Elijah once said, "The world is such a beautiful place when people are being good to each other."

Let's live full, productive, generous and thoughtful lives. Let's love our lives like Elijah loved his. Let's be good to each other.

Thanks Jentry. Thanks Elijah. When the deep sorrow that still fills my heart subsides, I hope it does so because I am thinking, "What would Elijah do?"