Next to you Elijah, Josh Rouse is my favorite musician. I saw Josh Rouse perform this song in Indianapolis when I was there with you. It's from his album "Happiness Waltz". I had such hope that time with you would go on for years, that you would be healed, and that we would dance the happiness waltz. Time pushes me further down the road without your presence. Sometimes (most of the time) it just hurts. I don't get this new world. I can't count on anything in life anymore. I read your lyrics for your new album and you loved life, you experienced it with your heart. I feel like I'm letting you down because I am getting life but not appreciating it at all. Don't get me wrong, I laugh, I work, I still watch sports, I play with grandchildren. But nothing satisfies me to the core anymore. Hugs from your brothers keep me breathing. It's the one place I feel you because they are sons just like you. I am grateful for that. How I love your brothers and love to be around them. Never have I felt the significance of that connection as much as I do now. But man, what a price I had to pay to learn that. It seems you save me in so many ways. Time......
Friday, November 18, 2016
Time, time time.
Next to you Elijah, Josh Rouse is my favorite musician. I saw Josh Rouse perform this song in Indianapolis when I was there with you. It's from his album "Happiness Waltz". I had such hope that time with you would go on for years, that you would be healed, and that we would dance the happiness waltz. Time pushes me further down the road without your presence. Sometimes (most of the time) it just hurts. I don't get this new world. I can't count on anything in life anymore. I read your lyrics for your new album and you loved life, you experienced it with your heart. I feel like I'm letting you down because I am getting life but not appreciating it at all. Don't get me wrong, I laugh, I work, I still watch sports, I play with grandchildren. But nothing satisfies me to the core anymore. Hugs from your brothers keep me breathing. It's the one place I feel you because they are sons just like you. I am grateful for that. How I love your brothers and love to be around them. Never have I felt the significance of that connection as much as I do now. But man, what a price I had to pay to learn that. It seems you save me in so many ways. Time......
Monday, November 14, 2016
First Love
It's hard to put to words what Elijah meant to me. For one, we were so young when we dated, so to outsiders it could be written off as young ignorance, but I know better.
He was my best friend when we were just 14 and 15 years old, and every time I look back on that time we had together, I smile. Not a day of that was a day I'd take back.
1) The new Death Cab for Cutie album had come out, and I hadn't heard it yet. I ran up the giant hill to his house after school to hang out, and I was greeted with that coy smile he always had. We cooked bacon in the kitchen and listened to "I Will Possess Your Heart." All 8 minutes and 25 seconds of it. Every time I cook or smell bacon, I remember this moment.
2) His house was always filled with music, either played by him, or blasted through the stereo. He played the guitar and was hesitant to sing his music in front of anyone, but occasionally I’d get him to show me what he was working on.
He was my best friend when we were just 14 and 15 years old, and every time I look back on that time we had together, I smile. Not a day of that was a day I'd take back.
1) The new Death Cab for Cutie album had come out, and I hadn't heard it yet. I ran up the giant hill to his house after school to hang out, and I was greeted with that coy smile he always had. We cooked bacon in the kitchen and listened to "I Will Possess Your Heart." All 8 minutes and 25 seconds of it. Every time I cook or smell bacon, I remember this moment.
2) His house was always filled with music, either played by him, or blasted through the stereo. He played the guitar and was hesitant to sing his music in front of anyone, but occasionally I’d get him to show me what he was working on.
There was one other thing that took up his time, and that was baseball. He grew out of it after sophomore year, but so many of my memories with him were at the baseball field with Mike and Deb.
On the way home from a baseball game one day, we all stopped at Wendy’s to grab some fries. I chomped on a few until I got carsick, as tends to happen anytime I’m in a car for longer than five minutes, so I layed on Elijah’s lap in the back seat with the windows down. The breeze was cool on my face, he was running his fingers through my hair and in that moment, this song came on….
It was one of those moments. The ones where a song connects with you so deeply that you almost cry. I've bottled up that moment in my memory bank and held on to it forever.
3) One day we were walking home from the 9th grade formal, and we were just friends at that point. On Sandhill Rd., we stopped with a handful of ketchup packets (can't remember where we got them) and sat on a small wall in front of a house. We took turns throwing them in the road to see if cars would run over them. It was such a simple memory, but I'll never forget it. That night we decided talked about dating but it didn't happen until later.
4) When I moved to Orem from Saratoga Springs, I was a very awkward 14 year old. My braces were unsightly, hair unmanageable, and makeup wasn't even a thought. Kim Lines convinced me to go to the Stake Dance down the street that was a Hawaiian theme. Reluctantly, I went with her. To my surprise, Elijah was there looking very handsome in khaki corduroys and a white t shirt. He told me he was from Hawaii, and I don't think I could speak. He always was the most handsome guy everywhere he went. But he had no idea. He walked me home with Kim and the butterflies didn't go away for days.
Even after breaking up at the beginning of Sophomore year, we stayed in contact. Every December 7th without fail, I'd text him on the number I had memorized years before, and wish him a Happy Birthday. And on June 14th, he'd wish me the same. I'd visit occasionally with his family, and it was always a joy to be in their house.
A week before his passing, Deb asked me to help set up a blog. I could feel the anxiety in the air of an entire family working to keep him going. To keep each other going... I wanted to give them a place to write how they were feeling without having to mask it. I only hope that this can continue to be a place of healing... where we can all come to share the love we have for Elijah and, yes, even the pain we feel when we feel far away from him.
I know this isn't over. We will all see him again.
Leann Allred
Thursday, November 10, 2016
Greatness.
Elijah Kent,
I miss calling you that....Elijah Kent. Such a good name.
Well my friend, I have 100 MG of Wellbutrin pumping through my veins and I'm in a much better place than I was the last time I posted here on your blog.
I had Lunch with your mom this week. I met her downtown and she took me to this awesome sandwich place and we had a great talk. We both seem to have a desire to believe that you are alive and well in a heaven like atmosphere somewhere not so far away. I refuse to believe we are wrong, am I a fool?
I have been helping Ryan and Katie do some demo and painting at their house so they can get it up for sale. I think they are excited and have the normal anxiety of deadlines and the unknown. I am so thankful for that day at your house when you told me something like "you should get to know Ryan, and stay in touch with him." Like you, he has become one of my favorite people to talk to. We were tearing out the ceiling and paneling in the bedroom right off the kitchen on Saturday and he told me that you had slept in that bedroom after your first treatments when Ben had moved up to the attic. We took all of his clothes out of the closet and moved them to the attic where you slept before that. I sat on the floor for a minute and had to just try and picture you wandering around up there, playing guitar, writing a song, whatever. It made me feel close to you for a second and while I was fighting tears, I also had a grin on my ugly mug for a few minutes. I wondered if you could see us? I told myself that you could and that you were happy that we were hanging out and working on the house. Ryan said that one of the hardest parts about moving would be leaving that house where you guys made so many memories. I can only imagine how bitter-sweet it must be for him. I'm going to really miss him but hope he finds everything he's looking for in Portland.
Last night Katie and I were painting the bathroom and Bob stood in the doorway for about 30 minutes with a Box Elder bug crawling up his arm and every time it got close to his neck and face he would start panicking, I kept grabbing it and putting it back on his hand. I couldn't help but wonder what was going on in his little mind. Where he thinks his uncle Elijah is. Do he and Beck understand any of this? What will their memories be of you in 20 years? Will they understand how awesome you are? Will they be able to comprehend the love that you had for life? Will I go visit them in Portland? Will they come to the cabin in Island Park and let me show them my favorite place on earth? lots of wondering. Lots of hoping. its all I can do.
A few weeks from now I will make my way to Colorado for Thanksgiving. It will mark one year since the first time I stopped at your house to see you. You were in the bedroom at the end of the hall. You were bald and skinny and your Chemo had you felling like shit...but I walked in and hugged you and you smiled and I immediately started crying and you said, "its ok" and all I could say was "I'm so sorry." I remember Jonny was there and he came in and you introduced us. I made it home to Grand Junction and at our Thanksgiving table we followed our usual tradition of writing down the things we were thankful for so they could be pulled out of a bowl and read out loud. Mine said, "i'm thankful for a stranger who sat at a barstool at a restaurant and started a conversation with another stranger who needed a friendly face and someone with the same taste in music. Who shared a brief moment and a random conversation. A stranger who is now a friend and a shining example of someone loving a life the way it should be loved.....madly." I guarantee you are going to be a part of this years Thanksgiving too. I'm always going to be thankful for you and your goodness..
I put the note you left on my couch in the frame with the Tom Waits artwork that you gave to me along with your funeral poster and ticket. it hangs by my front door so that every time I leave the house, I will be reminded of greatness
I love and miss you.
FAT hug.
Jentry
I miss calling you that....Elijah Kent. Such a good name.
Well my friend, I have 100 MG of Wellbutrin pumping through my veins and I'm in a much better place than I was the last time I posted here on your blog.
I had Lunch with your mom this week. I met her downtown and she took me to this awesome sandwich place and we had a great talk. We both seem to have a desire to believe that you are alive and well in a heaven like atmosphere somewhere not so far away. I refuse to believe we are wrong, am I a fool?
I have been helping Ryan and Katie do some demo and painting at their house so they can get it up for sale. I think they are excited and have the normal anxiety of deadlines and the unknown. I am so thankful for that day at your house when you told me something like "you should get to know Ryan, and stay in touch with him." Like you, he has become one of my favorite people to talk to. We were tearing out the ceiling and paneling in the bedroom right off the kitchen on Saturday and he told me that you had slept in that bedroom after your first treatments when Ben had moved up to the attic. We took all of his clothes out of the closet and moved them to the attic where you slept before that. I sat on the floor for a minute and had to just try and picture you wandering around up there, playing guitar, writing a song, whatever. It made me feel close to you for a second and while I was fighting tears, I also had a grin on my ugly mug for a few minutes. I wondered if you could see us? I told myself that you could and that you were happy that we were hanging out and working on the house. Ryan said that one of the hardest parts about moving would be leaving that house where you guys made so many memories. I can only imagine how bitter-sweet it must be for him. I'm going to really miss him but hope he finds everything he's looking for in Portland.
Last night Katie and I were painting the bathroom and Bob stood in the doorway for about 30 minutes with a Box Elder bug crawling up his arm and every time it got close to his neck and face he would start panicking, I kept grabbing it and putting it back on his hand. I couldn't help but wonder what was going on in his little mind. Where he thinks his uncle Elijah is. Do he and Beck understand any of this? What will their memories be of you in 20 years? Will they understand how awesome you are? Will they be able to comprehend the love that you had for life? Will I go visit them in Portland? Will they come to the cabin in Island Park and let me show them my favorite place on earth? lots of wondering. Lots of hoping. its all I can do.
A few weeks from now I will make my way to Colorado for Thanksgiving. It will mark one year since the first time I stopped at your house to see you. You were in the bedroom at the end of the hall. You were bald and skinny and your Chemo had you felling like shit...but I walked in and hugged you and you smiled and I immediately started crying and you said, "its ok" and all I could say was "I'm so sorry." I remember Jonny was there and he came in and you introduced us. I made it home to Grand Junction and at our Thanksgiving table we followed our usual tradition of writing down the things we were thankful for so they could be pulled out of a bowl and read out loud. Mine said, "i'm thankful for a stranger who sat at a barstool at a restaurant and started a conversation with another stranger who needed a friendly face and someone with the same taste in music. Who shared a brief moment and a random conversation. A stranger who is now a friend and a shining example of someone loving a life the way it should be loved.....madly." I guarantee you are going to be a part of this years Thanksgiving too. I'm always going to be thankful for you and your goodness..
I put the note you left on my couch in the frame with the Tom Waits artwork that you gave to me along with your funeral poster and ticket. it hangs by my front door so that every time I leave the house, I will be reminded of greatness
I love and miss you.
FAT hug.
Jentry
Friday, November 4, 2016
Tuesday, November 1, 2016
Five months
Five eternal months tomorrow. In some ways it's like yesterday; other ways it has been so long. So long since I heard you say you love me. So long since you laughed. So long since you played you're newest song for me. So long since you gathered with friends, dressed up for a date, drove your car, asked for Jamba Juice, so long. My heart aches every day for you. Every day I fight back tears. Every day I wonder about whether I care about living. How is it possible that I loved you more than my life? I still have your brothers and am happy for that but the pain of loss is so hard I don't know how any parent actually survives losing more than one. I want you back. I'll never feel whole again. I love you Elijah.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)