Holiday re-cap

Dear Elijah,

It's December 27th, 8:19 AM and i just got into work.  I'll be one of 3 people in the office today so things will be quiet. That's always refreshing since i like the quiet.  I had a really nice Christmas.  I went to Colorado Christmas Eve Morning to be with my family. I stopped and had a Chai with your dad at Starbucks and then we went back to your house to see if your mom was still there, but she had gone shopping and Ben was at work. I left them 3 records that had been on my list of "vinyls for Eli", somehow, I have to finish that list, but then I realized that it'll never be complete cuz every time i hear a good album or find a new artist, ill make a mental note that "this is one Elijah would like" and it will get added to a never ending list. In a way, I think it's a good thing, it will keep you forever in the front of my mind, but i wonder if I'll ever be able to think or talk about you without bawling? I don't know. 

 I'm always reminded of the many blessings I have when I go home. Not many people are surrounded by 28 Immediate family members on the holidays.  My mom always goes to so much work to make sure the house looks like a winter wonderland. Every room has some type of decoration and it's one thing I have always loved. Everything is always festive. My dad always cooks a prime rib for dinner and while it's usually too pink for me, they always save and end cut so i don't have to gag. My siblings all show up, their kids all matching, and everything is right, you know, I don't have anything to complain about, Elijah, my life is so good.....but there's this one thing..... One of my favorite people isn't around to wish a merry Christmas to, and his family, who I adore, are spending their first Christmas without their Son, Brother, & Uncle, and it rips me to shreds inside, like it wrecks some serious havoc on all the good that is sitting right before me, and then I just become angry.  I laid on the couch Christmas day, all fucking day, didn't shower, I watched about 5 John Wayne movies with my mom and dad and football (which i absolutely hate) but the house was quiet and we ate leftovers and I drifted in and out and did nothing which kind of felt good. A few siblings stopped by to say hey, I held my Niece, Loxxley for an hour, she sang some song that I remember learning as a kid that has all of these actions you do with your hands about "bringing home my baby bumble bee, wont my mommy be so proud of me" and the bee stings you and then you squash the baby bumble bee, and it was hysterical, and for a second I forgot that I was sad and then they left and I just kind of rolled over on the couch to pretend like I was sleeping and I cried for about an hour and then I pulled it together and then it was time for bed. Mostly, I feel like sleeping a lot these days.

The night before I headed out, I stopped by Ryan and Katie's to give them their Christmas presents and they surprised me with the coolest Record player.  Way too generous of them.  But now I will have a record player that works and I can listen to all of the vinyls that have been collecting dust in my living room. so cool.  It was awesome to see him for a few minutes and I'm glad he was able to come home and see the little dudes and Katie. It's gotta be rough being away like that. He sent me a photo last night of the fireplace that they finished and the house is coming together nicely.  

Oh yeah, I nearly forgot to tell you.....Nathan Marabello stopped by my house last week to grab one of your cd's that I brought from your release party. I gave him a pin which he added to the ones he had on his levi jacket and he hugged me about 5 times and just kept saying "thank you" and he got all teary and just had to leave.....so it was good to see that it's not just me who gets like that......

Your release party was nothing short of perfect..... I mean it. you'd have been over the moon. I pictured you there just grinning at all of it.  Huge turnout, t-shirts, posters, pins, vinyl, cd. Even the music Jared played between and after the performances was beautiful...the 3 performers were brilliant, the songs left me standing there fighting the weeps and then there was the video that Ben put together that played to your cd.  I think the night was something that everyone needed, it was a necessary step in the goodbye process, it was tragic, and beautiful and peaceful all at the same time. the one thing I felt the entire night, the thing that kept coming to mind was how PROUD I am of you. I am thankful to you and I will be forever for working so hard to be able to leave your music for us. it's the greatest gift you could have given and i just can't believe the determination you  had, even in your weakest most painful moments, to continue working on your music.....I knew you were working on it, but until I heard it, that night, I didn't fully understand how talented you are.....Buddy, were you there? did you see or hear any of it? were you pleased? do you peak down on us when we are working at Ryan's house? do you hear me when i whisper "Elijah, are you here my friend?" up to the attic every time I'm over there? sometimes i think i feel ya, other times i think I'm just bat-shit crazy.  

I miss u, so bad , and I hate it.

I think I'm becoming bitter, and I hate bitter people.

I say Fuck about 300 times a day, I flip the bird to people on the freeway, you know those ass-hats who like to drive 60 in the 70 lane, and I tell myself Elijah would be really disappointed in you right now, and then I become sad and say fuck about 300 more times.

Then I go to Ryan and Katie's, I see Beck and Bob and I'm filled with Happy and then I drive home and walk in my house and I go, "oh great, another beer and another cheese quesadilla for dinner" and then I'm sad and pissed-off again.

I feel good and hopeful for the hour I'm with my therapist and then I wake up the next day and I'm incredibly pissed off....I never saw you pissed off. how is that?  I saw you at the lowest point a person could possibly be, and you were never pissed off......always calm, always nice, sometimes melencholy, sometimes weak, Tired, but never pissed off. I don't have that kind of strength....You should be here.  Period! I'm sorry! I'm so, so sorry!

I hope the new year can bring something new. Maybe something Happy, or funny.

Anything really, just something new, cuz everything is just one big blur right now. A sad, heartbreaking blur.  I don't want to leave only sad here on your blog, but I cant fake it either, and pretend like things are great, cuz they aren't. 

it only took me 2 hours to type this...hmmmm!

I love u, my friend. so @#$%^&* much!

Jentry

Unbreakable Elkebu - Breakable Mom

Elijah, I want out of my life.  You're the lucky one.

Faith is hard.

Tomorrow you will have been gone for 6 months.  Six excruciatingly painful months.  My sister, Lora told me that as she was attending the dedicatory session in the Boston temple that she felt you and the message she felt was that you wanted me to have joy.  Problem is Elijah, I've lost almost all of my faith.  It all seems like a fairy tale to me now.  It was so easy to believe when death came in an orderly fashion.  That's just how it works.  We're born; we grow old; we die.  It's easy to believe there's a life after because it all happens in order.  But now I'm struggling to believe.  My child died before me and that means I have to breathe every breath for the rest of my life without you. Where I had your form, now I have absolutely nothing but memories to remind me that you actually lived.  I realized I have no way of proving you ever existed except in records and in 100 years, no one will "know" you lived, they will either believe printed words or say it's just a made up story that you ever existed.  Thing is, I know you lived.  I know you were magnificent.  I know you had challenges.  I know you were a musician.  I have your music.  But I can't prove it was you singing or playing.  i can't prove it to anyone in the world.  People can give me counter arguments that it's someone else, that videos are staged.  On and on and on.  But....I KNOW.  Can I ever KNOW that you are still alive in the Spirit World?  My patriarchal blessing tells me to learn from the experiences of others. Problem is, it also tells me the spirit would warn me when my children were in danger.  To this day I wasn't warned about your danger.  As a mother I worried about your pain, I worried about the veriseal.  I worried when the doctor left the cancerous lymph node without trying another round of chemo the first time but instead pronounced you in remission.  I never felt comfortable about so many things with you boys, Was it the spirit talking or my own worries?  Now I wonder if I ever have felt the spirit in my life or is it just me wanting to believe in some magic?  Are all my beliefs just a way of satisfying myself that we're more than we are, or is it just a way to avoid the reality that we are born because our parents had sex and we die because our bodies give out and that's it?  Are the beliefs I've been taught just a modern mythology?  How can I know?  My patriarchal blessing also promised me that I'd be given "even hidden treasures of knowledge."  All I have is belief.  I have no knowledge at all.  I especially don't have "even hidden treasures of knowledge." I want to believe, I'm trying very hard to believe, but I'm left so incredibly alone.  Where I thought I had the spirit, there is none despite my repeated prayers.  I don't know that I can live by faith anymore.

Time, time time.

Next to you Elijah, Josh Rouse is my favorite musician.  I saw Josh Rouse perform this song in Indianapolis when I was there with you.  It's from his album "Happiness Waltz".  I had such hope that time with you would go on for years, that you would be healed, and that we would dance the happiness waltz.  Time pushes me further down the road without your presence.  Sometimes (most of the time) it just hurts.  I don't get this new world.  I can't count on anything in life anymore.  I read your lyrics for your new album and you loved life, you experienced it with your heart.  I feel like I'm letting you down because I am getting life but not appreciating it at all.  Don't get me wrong, I laugh, I work, I still watch sports, I play with grandchildren.  But nothing satisfies me to the core anymore. Hugs from your brothers keep me breathing.  It's the one place I feel you because they are sons just like you.  I am grateful for that.  How I love your brothers and love to be around them.  Never have I felt the significance of that connection as much as I do now.  But man, what a price I had to pay to learn that.  It seems you save me in so many ways.  Time......

First Love

It's hard to put to words what Elijah meant to me. For one, we were so young when we dated, so to outsiders it could be written off as young ignorance, but I know better.

He was my best friend when we were just 14 and 15 years old, and every time I look back on that time we had together, I smile. Not a day of that was a day I'd take back.

1) The new Death Cab for Cutie album had come out, and I hadn't heard it yet. I ran up the giant hill to his house after school to hang out, and I was greeted with that coy smile he always had. We cooked bacon in the kitchen and listened to "I Will Possess Your Heart." All 8 minutes and 25 seconds of it. Every time I cook or smell bacon, I remember this moment.

2) His house was always filled with music, either played by him, or blasted through the stereo. He played the guitar and was hesitant to sing his music in front of anyone, but occasionally I’d get him to show me what he was working on.

There was one other thing that took up his time, and that was baseball. He grew out of it after sophomore year, but so many of my memories with him were at the baseball field with Mike and Deb.

On the way home from a baseball game one day, we all stopped at Wendy’s to grab some fries. I chomped on a few until I got carsick, as tends to happen anytime I’m in a car for longer than five minutes, so I layed on Elijah’s lap in the back seat with the windows down. The breeze was cool on my face, he was running his fingers through my hair and in that moment, this song came on….

It was one of those moments. The ones where a song connects with you so deeply that you almost cry. I've bottled up that moment in my memory bank and held on to it forever. 

3) One day we were walking home from the 9th grade formal, and we were just friends at that point. On Sandhill Rd., we stopped with a handful of ketchup packets (can't remember where we got them) and sat on a small wall in front of a house. We took turns throwing them in the road to see if cars would run over them. It was such a simple memory, but I'll never forget it. That night we decided talked about dating but it didn't happen until later. 

4) When I moved to Orem from Saratoga Springs, I was a very awkward 14 year old. My braces were unsightly, hair unmanageable, and makeup wasn't even a thought. Kim Lines convinced me to go to the Stake Dance down the street that was a Hawaiian theme. Reluctantly, I went with her. To my surprise, Elijah was there looking very handsome in khaki corduroys and a white t shirt. He told me he was from Hawaii, and I don't think I could speak. He always was the most handsome guy everywhere he went. But he had no idea. He walked me home with Kim and the butterflies didn't go away for days. 

Even after breaking up at the beginning of Sophomore year, we stayed in contact. Every December 7th without fail, I'd text him on the number I had memorized years before, and wish him a Happy Birthday. And on June 14th, he'd wish me the same. I'd visit occasionally with his family, and it was always a joy to be in their house. 

A week before his passing, Deb asked me to help set up a blog. I could feel the anxiety in the air of an entire family working to keep him going. To keep each other going... I wanted to give them a place to write how they were feeling without having to mask it. I only hope that this can continue to be a place of healing... where we can all come to share the love we have for Elijah and, yes, even the pain we feel when we feel far away from him. 

I know this isn't over. We will all see him again.

Leann Allred

Greatness.

Elijah Kent,

I miss calling you that....Elijah Kent.  Such a good name.
Well my friend, I have 100 MG of Wellbutrin pumping through my veins and I'm in a much better place than I was the last time I posted here on your blog.

I had Lunch with your mom this week.  I met her downtown and she took me to this awesome sandwich place and we had a great talk. We both seem to have a desire to believe that you are alive and well in a heaven like atmosphere somewhere not so far away. I refuse to believe we are wrong, am I a fool? 

I have been helping Ryan and Katie do some demo and painting at their house so they can get it up for sale. I think they are excited and have the normal anxiety of deadlines and the unknown.  I am so thankful for that day at your house when you told me something like "you should get to know Ryan, and stay in touch with him." Like you, he has become one of my favorite people to talk to.  We were tearing out the ceiling and paneling in the bedroom right off the kitchen on Saturday and he told me that you had slept in that bedroom after your first treatments when Ben had moved up to the attic. We took all of his clothes out of the closet and moved them to the attic where you slept before that.  I sat on the floor for a minute and had to just try and picture you wandering around up there, playing guitar, writing a song, whatever.  It made me feel close to you for a second and while I was fighting tears, I also had a grin on my ugly mug for a few minutes.  I wondered if you could see us? I told myself that you could and that you were happy that we were hanging out and working on the house.  Ryan said that one of the hardest parts about moving would be leaving that house where you guys made so many memories.  I can only imagine how bitter-sweet it must be for him.  I'm going to really miss him but hope he finds everything he's looking for in Portland. 

Last night Katie and I were painting the bathroom and Bob stood in the doorway for about 30 minutes with a Box Elder bug crawling up his arm and every time it got close to his neck and face he would start panicking, I kept grabbing it and putting it back on his hand.  I couldn't help but wonder what was going on in his little mind. Where he thinks his uncle Elijah is.  Do he and Beck understand any of this?  What will their memories be of you in 20 years?  Will they understand how awesome you are? Will they be able to comprehend the love that you had for life? Will I go visit them in Portland? Will they come to the cabin in Island Park and let me show them my favorite place on earth? lots of wondering. Lots of hoping.  its all I can do.

A few weeks from now I will make my way to Colorado for Thanksgiving.  It will mark one year since the first time I stopped at your house to see you.  You were in the bedroom at the end of the hall.  You were bald and skinny and your Chemo had you felling like shit...but I walked in and hugged you and you smiled and I immediately started crying and you said, "its ok" and all I could say was "I'm so sorry." I remember Jonny was there and he came in and you introduced us.  I made it home to Grand Junction and at our Thanksgiving table we followed our usual tradition of writing down the things we were thankful for so they could be pulled out of a bowl and read out loud.  Mine said, "i'm thankful for a stranger who sat at a barstool at a restaurant and started a conversation with another stranger who needed a friendly face and someone with the same taste in music. Who shared a brief moment and a random conversation.  A stranger who is now a friend and a shining example of someone loving a life the way it should be loved.....madly."  I guarantee you are going to be a part of this years Thanksgiving too.  I'm always going to be thankful for you and your goodness..

I put the note you left on my couch in the frame with the Tom Waits artwork that you gave to me along with your funeral poster and ticket. it hangs by my front door so that every time I leave the house, I will be reminded of greatness

I love and miss you.

FAT hug.
Jentry

I miss you Elijah

I love you still.

Five months

Five eternal months tomorrow. In some ways it's like yesterday; other ways it has been so long. So long since I heard you say you love me. So long since you laughed. So long since you played you're newest song for me. So long since you gathered with friends, dressed up for a date, drove your car, asked for Jamba Juice, so long. My heart aches every day for you. Every day I fight back tears. Every day I wonder about whether I care about living. How is it possible that I loved you more than my life? I still have your brothers and am happy for that but the pain of loss is so hard I don't know how any parent actually survives losing more than one. I want you back. I'll never feel whole again. I love you Elijah.

a Hummingbird......

Elijah Kent,
Having a rough day today my friend.  Last night was the Sigur Ros concert. Like you told me to do if you weren't here, I went with your brother Ryan.  He had T-ball practice with Beck & Bob and I was waiting in the front yard when he pulled up.   I took a new handkerchief for both of us because we had both talked about how emotional the night was going to be.  Were you watching? At the intermission we talked to Kyle & Jared. There we were,the 4 of us, thinking about you. I bawled my eyes out while i was getting ready, i cried a bit as i drove to Ryan's house, and then nothing during the show, which took me by complete surprise. There was this calm that i felt though.  The first half of the show was full of new material that i wasn't familiar with, during the second song, they had technical difficulties and left the stage for a minute.  After intermission, they came back out and blew us away with so many of their great songs.  Fljotavik was my favorite.....that one haunts me, always has.  We talked about it one time when i was visiting you.  The lights, the fog, Jonsi and his high falseto, playing that electric guitar with a violin bow, and these incredible images floating across the backdrop and all I could do was just sit there and study the genius of it all.  Ryan and I caught an Uber home, said goodnight, and i went home an bawled my ugly mug to sleep.  i cant explain it. With you I know I don't have to.....you always just get it. I woke up this morning and reached up to the top of my headboard and couldn't find my glasses.  I must have been thrashing around in the night and they fell behind the bed.  I got my flashlight out and tried to find them, but since i cant see a damn thing with out them, and didn't have time to move my mattress and lift the box springs up so i had to wear my ugly glasses all day and i got to work and was fighting the weeps all day long.  How long will this happen?  do you ever go to bed crying?  i have these moments of numb and then days where it just won't stop. Maybe something is wrong with me? I don't know.

UGHHHHHHHHHH! its now nearly a month later, and I am having another horrible day.  Ok, actually its been 2 terrible days and there are no signs of it stopping.. I'm not entirely surprised, I talked to to you one time about how Labor Day hits every year and I can literally feel my emotions take a sharp turn down the toilet. Everyone always shakes their head like they totally get it and they go "OMG you have Seasonal Affective Disorder, take some vitamin D and get a sun lamp, you'll be ok."  Last year was a miraculous year, winter was mild, I had just wrapped up the best, busiest, most fun filled summer of my life and I was on cloud 9 when fall came.  I had this renewed hope that I was going to get through it, and I did, but this year it's like something has snapped.  I haven't slept in 2.5 weeks.  like maybe 2 hours a night, if that.., I've been told that I look like shit by about 3 different people, and I've gotten that "whats up?" look from about 10 people and I don't know how to answer. Got a D on my geology test, funny thing is, I can't muster the strength to care. Friday, I was sitting at my desk and I pulled up my Spotify account, in need of something new, yet familiar to listen to.  Why not Wilco?  Here's why I should not have chosen Wilco....because then I was reminded of how much you and your family love Wilco,  I sent a screen shot to your dad and a quick message about how it had been some time since I had listened to one of their albums from start to finish and that I was thinking of them---the album title alone should have been warning enough (a ghost is born) but, Jeff Tweedy has that voice, the one that draws you in, so I sat there updating all of my spreadsheets at work and Hummingbird came on and every friggin' emotion I've been trying to control for months came flooding in....and I lost it. snapped, flipped my lid, LOST IT!

Remember to remember me
Standing still in your past
Floating fast like a hummingbird

His goal in life was to be an echo
They type of sound that floats around and then back down like a feather
But in the steep chrome canyons of the loudest Manhattans
no one could hear him
or anything

So he slept on a mountain
in a sleeping bag underneath the stars
he would lie awake and count them
and the grey fountain spray of the great Milky Way
would never let him
Die alone

Remember to remember me
Standing still in your past
floating fast like a hummingbird

A hummingbird......

so that started this bawling that hasn't stopped in over 48 hours.
I slept for 11 hours yesterday, woke up, the second my feet hit the floor I started bawling again.
Went to brunch at Finns, another mistake, another memory of you, saw Marabello from the Annex, got teary again, went home mowed the lawn, raked the leaves, bawled and bawled, called Ryan to see if I could stop by to bring Bob his furry spider that I got him for his birthday, went down and bawled some more on your brothers couch, Beck asked me what I was going to be for Halloween and when I told him David Bowie, he asked if that was a person or an animal, so I showed him a picture and he asked if it was a boy or a girl, so that made me smile and then I started bawling again.

I've never been so angry,
I've never felt so hollow,
I've never missed someone like i miss you,
I've never questioned my sanity, like i do today,
I've never questioned, life and my existence like i have in the past few months.
I've never had my heart hurt for someones loss the way it does for yours.

I told Ryan last night that one of the things that kills me is all of these thoughts I have about things you'll never experience.  Like a high school reunion. my 20th was in August and I had a blast, I was in charge of it so I went to pay the Bar for everything and was feeling like a million bucks, like we had pulled off this really awesome night, and immediately I thought of you and how you'll never go to a reunion and I had to go to the bathroom and try to gather myself.

Why this 39 year old dude has to have the emotions of a 12 year old girl i will never understand, but that's been a problem and a life long question that doesn't seem to have an answer.  If I have to be caught crying, by co-workers, family members, neighbors, I can't think of human, or memory more worthy of some tears than you, the one and only Elijah Kent.

What does this all mean, my friend?  At what point will I be able to smile and go. " he's ok, he's good, he wants us to be happy, to go do the things he never got to do?"

I love you, and I miss you\ but that doesn't even scratch the fuckin' surface, so I'm going to continue bawling cuz that is the only thing that's coming naturally to me right now.

I'm so sorry it ended the way it did for you. you deserved so much more.
If this is the last post I post with any sort of sanity left in me, I want you to know how much it meant to me to have you as a friend....I mean that from the bottom of my guts.....no one will ever compare. It was something that can't be explained. you grabbed my guts more that anyone ever has, at a time when  my guts needed grabbing cuz i was pretty much ready to throw in the towel...The how, and what and when and where and why just boggles me every time i try to wrap my head around it, you would think i would just quit trying, but it remains one of the greatest and most beautiful mysteries to me, and someday i want an answer.

gonna go crazy now.....

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Jentry  

     

This is the place.

I miss you so much.  Have I said that before?  When I see what we were doing 2 years ago at this time the whole stupid tragedy began.  What?  Only 18 months from start to finish?  So much pain and heartache.  In some ways it feels like eons.  In others, it's only yesterday.  For those of Elijah's friends who took the time to follow this blog, you may want to unfollow.  Mike told me he didn't think it was good to wear my heart on my sleeve on Facebook so I think I'll just have to stop posting there.  I'll follow everyone and make good comments, but I'll be keeping my pain to myself.  I realize seeing others' pain and not being able to do a damn thing about it is hard and I don't want to make life hard for others.  But here, this is my place.  Elijah wanted this blog.  He said he deserved this blog but he never really got to see it.  He was so weak by the time Leanne and I put it together.  So now it's my place for me and Elijah (and occasionally Jentry gets to hurt here too.)  I don't think anyone in my family sees this but Leanne does and I know she'll be ok if I wear my heart on my sleeve as will Jentry.  We know we really can't do anything but hurt together and go on. Sometimes the hurt is just so incredibly deep that I just have to put it out there or it will eat me up inside.I don't understand God's plan. I've decided I'd rather believe in him than not, but now I'm on a journey to understand.  I know you can't enjoy the sweet without the bitter but isn't it bad enough to have to work through family relationships, disappointments, job losses, bad test scores, bad economies....do we really have to have murder, disease, car wrecks, suicide, etc?  Why couldn't the plan allow us to die peaceful deaths at 50+ years or 60+?  What harm would it be in allowing parents to love their children and die before them in all instances?  Why take our children?  Why suffer from diseases that will probably be cured in 500 years?  The church has pat answers for all of this but it so doesn't resonate with me.  Or, why can't the Lord just let us all experience seeing our loved ones like at the end of the movie "Ghost" so we know?  Why must faith mean not knowing for the rest of my life?  Why must I get up each day and not have the comfort of having him say to me, "Mom, I'm happy, Heaven's great and I am alive?"  I wish I could at least have him tell me he is alive.  Other people testify of seeing loved ones.  It's not like I'm asking for hours with him.  Just a minute.  Just enough time to say I'm so sorry I wasn't there that day.  He said he wished I could stay home.  oh why didn't I listen?  Why didn't I realize the end was so close?  I tried so hard to hold out hope for him and if I went to work he'd know he wasn't that bad.  He slept so soundly that morning.  The one morning I didn't get to hear him say, "I love you Mom" before I went to work. I wouldn't wake him because he was sleeping so soundly.  He didn't even awaken when I kissed him and whispered ever so lightly - "I love you 'Lij." Why couldn't I be one of those people that can see the spirit leave the body?  Why couldn't I be there to tell him I loved him like each of his brothers and Dad got to do?  I feel like I really failed him.  I was the only one not there, the only one.... his mom.  I feel like such a crappy mom. What mother doesn't recognize her son's last days?  I should never have been a mother.  I've done more harm than good.  My poor sons, I tried, really I did but I failed them in so many ways.  I still do. How is it that they're so much more wise than me?  Why couldn't God have taken me instead?  What happens now?  How do I approach life?  What matters?  How will I screw up today?  The only thing I'm really good at is employment.  I feel like I should just spend 24/7 at work. At least if you put your energies into work and people that aren't family, you can generally feel successful.  You don't spend time in relationships at the family level at work so you don't screw people up.  Elijah, why you got me as a mom I'll never know.  You're heart was too good for me.  I'm sorry if I hurt you.  I'm so sorry.  I love you so much.  I miss you so much.  I want you back so much.  I want to see you so much. I hurt so much without you. I feel so alone here.  Everyone else has lives.  I dont' know if I want a life.  It's too painful.  Michael and Ryan have families.  Ben and Mike have their friends and adventures.  I have work.  I don't know what I want but I do know you helped me feel needed and loved.  You were the best and now you're gone.  What am I supposed to do with that?

Trying to Live

Gosh Elijah, I read another book this week telling me that people live after they die.  All of these near-death experiences, witnesses to the spirit leaving the body, angels visiting.  I have no evidence you still exist.  The book I read this week: One Foot in Heaven was written by a hospice nurse who had a near-death experience when she was 16.  She said it's her experience that it's very unusual for people not to feel the presence of their loved one when they've passed.  What's the problem with us? What's the problem with me?  Am I so out of tune?  I so want to feel you.  People talk about feeling engulfed by love, of hearing their loved one, of being directed by their loved one, of being visited by their love one.  Nothing here.  Not one damn thing to indicate you're still alive in spirit playing beautiful music, meeting wonderful people, having great experiences.  Was I not loving enough that God could let you do something?  Anything?  I'm trying so hard Elijah, really I am.  I'm trying to believe in God,.  I'm trying to understand His purpose in this.  I'm trying to see my blessings. I'm so very alone in this venture to believe, to hope, to exercise faith.  What's wrong with me?  What lack I yet?  There's been no balm of Gilead. No comfort. No relief from hurting for the loss of you.  Yes, I'm going on.  Yes, I'm trying to be strong.  Yes, I'm forging a life.  Why won't God let me feel you?  4  1/2 months.  Silence.  Cold emptiness where you once provided warmth.  I miss you so much. I haven't been able to listen to your music for a while.  It hurts and yet I'm so thankful I get to hear your voice and see the videos. I'm thankful but I want to know you're ok, you're happy, you're alive.  This is so hard, so very hard.  By far the worst trial of my life.  Oh how I feel for parents who lose children, for parents who can't provide for their children.  Where I used to be sad when I saw those sad stories, now I'm so entirely overcome by them.  Can this ever possibly be turned to my good?  I don't really care as long as you still live and are happy.  I just wish I could know.  I'll take a burning in the bosom. Please please please.  Can't God send a messenger my way?

Hit a brick wall

I finally did it.  I finally fell apart and couldn't function Elijah.  I've been going and going and going since you passed.  I had to return to work one week after you died and I've worked every week since. I've added work with Lanore.  I've cleaned house, I've diverted myself with football.  But it all came crashing in yesterday.  I couldn't get out of bed.  I kept resetting my alarm figuring I could just get to work at 8.  Nothing worked.  I sent a text to my boss then went to sleep.  I slept until 11:30 am and got up because I was hungry.  I had a little bowl of cereal then went back to bed and slept until 3:00 pm.  I don't remember being this mentally exhausted in all of my life.  So much that I'm sad about. Sad about losing you; sad about losing your future; sad about losing faith; sad about discovering I know nothing; sad that I have to start learning about life all over again; sad about relationships; sad about the pain your brothers are suffering; sad I can't fix anything; sad that I don't know where to turn; sad that I've gotten so out of shape over the last 5 years; sad that I can't do things I used to be able to do. I've hit a brick wall.  I've got to figure out how to get around this wall, how to climb this wall, or how to destroy this brick wall. I read your quote on Facebook about how great life is and how we need to grasp and appreciate it.  I want to do it, but right now I can't Elijah.  Lots of times I just want to die.  I've even contemplated suicide but I'm too cowardly.  I miss you.  You've left such an enormous hole in my life.  Kinda funny, you left a hole and I've hit a brick wall.  How do those even go together?  The madness that it is.....

I Just Can't

We all spoke after you died about the many places we wanted to carry your ashes. Places you wanted to go, things you wanted to see. At least your ashes could be there. But Elijah, I can't do it. Right after you died we took your ashes to the Redwoods in California. I thought it would be an event that gave some solace to my soul. But, as your dad and brothers climbed that huge rock protruding out of the ocean and opened the bottle to let your ashes fly in the breeze into the ocean, I died all over again. I didn't want to let a single part of you go. When it came time to spread ashes in the Redwoods after that, I couldn't be there. I couldn't watch a part of you go again. Today your dad wants us to go to the aspen grove in Utah that you wanted to visit and spread some ashes. I'm sorry Elijah, I can't do it. It's hard for me to even think about the fact that we had your body cremated. Before we did I thought all these glorious things about your body returning to the earth to nourish it. Now I think of your body not existing. You see, as a young girl and through 49 years of membership in the church I've read of bodies arising from their graves to meet Christ. I know it's silly to think so black and white about it, but your body doesn't exist to rise if that happens. Where would you be when you arose? How would I find you? I know intellectually that this is really silly. Are Adam and Eve's bodies to be found anywhere? What about the pioneers who were wrapped in blankets on the plains and left to the wolves to eat? What about all those people whose religions have their bodies creamated? What about the bodies wrecked with body parts strewn all about? What about those whose bodies are exploded by bombs and deteriorate into nothing? Intellectually I realize our bodies will return eventually to the earth, but I guess somehow I hope you would have been allowed to re-enter yours and come back to us. I know if that was going to happen in could have before you were cremated, they had your body for a week. But to think that we cremated you, it's just been really, really hard for me. Then to willingly give up your ashes.... well, I just can't.

Brains

I am discovering new things about my brain. It has a hard time accepting something that it doesn't want to be. It gets tired very easily. It doesn't keep lots of information like it did before Elijah died. It races all the time but sometimes feels so empty in its race. The brain overwhelms the body. Ok, so I knew some of this stuff about my brain but it's on repeat every day. It's just plain weird living knowing Elijah isn't. Why didn't the world stop? Why does everyone go on? I don't like my new normal. I read quotes about how I create my own happiness; I need to take an optimistic view because life is what I make it; Elijah's in a better place; I'll see him again. My head and brain get this. My heart doesn't. The two aren't walking hand in hand and right now I'd rather pay attention to my heart. I know if I listened to my head maybe things could change but as I was at the Wilco concert last night having a good time, all of a sudden I felt guilty that I could feel like having a good time. I thought, "How would it have felt to Elijah to have known his mom could be dancing and smiling while he was dead and not getting to enjoy the bands he loved? I just sat down and cried. I get upset with myself that I can even consider finding joy without him. It's rather a revolting thought to me right now. People say he would want me to be happy. Maybe so, but as a daughter I feel a little crushed thinking my mom could ever be happy if I died. I know it's crazy. These are the thoughts that run through my mind and nothing is ever settled these days. Tomorrow is 3 months since he closed his eyes and stopped breathing. It's so hard to take that that happened because he told me he was afraid to go to sleep because he was afraid he wouldn't wake up and I wasn't there to assure him I'm keep him breathing. Maybe he was so tired he wanted to stop. Mike did try immediately to resuscitate him. I would have yelled at him to wake up. I would have tried and tried and tried. I would have fought for him like I promised. Maybe he just relaxed so much everything just stopped and couldn't be awakened, but I wasn't there to tell him (if his spirit is still alive and it left his body and he saw everyone), I wasn't there for him to see that I didn't want him to die. I know he knew it, but I feel cheated that I didn't have the chance to maybe feel his spirit leave. I don't know. I know I'm just babbling but my heart hurts. I miss him. I can't believe I'll never see him again as long as I have this mortal life. I really want him to show himself to me in the spirit. Why, Why, Why must I live by faith? Isn't it enough that I have to live the next however long I have without him? I hate this.

Do you speak with God?

Elijah,
Do you speak with God? Can you ever hear my cries? Are you just so free from pain and your body now that you never look back? I miss you so much it physically hurts. Does God ever grant people favors? I feel like He doesn't hear me. I feel like answered prayers are a thing of the past. I can't feel His love at all, but maybe you could reach Him. Maybe you could ask Him to either let you come tell me you do live on and that you are happy or you could ask Him to usher in the end of days so we can see you again. This pain is crushing. I still can't believe you're gone. I still want you back. I feel like I'm going crazy, like they're going to have to admit me to the mental ward in the hospital. Will this nightmare ever end? Others have tried pointing me to my blessings and I know I'm one of the richest people on earth but I'm drowning in heartache. All the riches in the world can't replace you. Do you know that?
I love you Elijah.
Mom

Your Influence

Do you know how amazing you were? Do you know how much you were loved? Can you know how much you're missed?

The Tears Won't Stop

Elijah,
Please come back to me. My tears don't stop. They're always there under the surface. Constant aching in my heart. Thoughts of you in pain; thoughts of you wanting to live; your fear of going to sleep and not waking up came true. Your life ended. Somehow part of my life did too. Sometimes I feel like a zombie; I'm going through the motions but my heart isn't in it. I wish for your sake I could appreciate this life I have but I miss you so much. Please come back to me. Please. You told me you'd always be here in the morning. I know you didn't control living or dying. If you could, you would have lived. If I could control living and dying I would have died for you.

People say the Savior knows my pain and felt my pain. I just can't connect with that anymore. Right now I don't care what he felt because I feel so full of pain. I am starting to hate that poem about two sets of footprints in the sand and then only one and that's when the Savior says, "I didn't leave you alone, that's when I carried you." I think that's such a crock. He's not carrying this. This is my cross, my burden. He's not making it easier to bear. It's fucking hard. Sorry for using that word but I need the worst word I know to describe how incredibly hard this is.

And I'm so tired of feeling like I have to feel guilty for being mad at God, for not believing in God, for not caring much about Christ. It feels like a belief out of fear and not out of love. That's what really bothers me. Why does religion cause me to feel so guilty and afraid? How is that making the most of my life? I'm so mixed up, messed up, confused, sad, alone. Incredibly alone. Though family and friends are there for me, this is not something anyone else can remove or bear. I can't take the pain from my own children's hearts. Everything about this sucks to the moon and back.

I miss you so much.

The Tears Won't Stop

Elijah,
Please come back to me. My tears don't stop. They're always there under the surface. Constant aching in my heart. Thoughts of you in pain; thoughts of you wanting to live; your fear of going to sleep and not waking up came true. Your life ended. Somehow part of my life did too. Sometimes I feel like a zombie; I'm going through the motions but my heart isn't in it. I wish for your sake I could appreciate this life I have but I miss you so much. Please come back to me. Please. You told me you'd always be here in the morning. I know you didn't control living or dying. If you could, you would have lived. If I could control living and dying I would have died for you.

People say the Savior knows my pain and felt my pain. I just can't connect with that anymore. Right now I don't care what he felt because I feel so full of pain. I am starting to hate that poem about two sets of footprints in the sand and then only one and that's when the Savior says, "I didn't leave you alone, that's when I carried you." I think that's such a crock. He's not carrying this. This is my cross, my burden. He's not making it easier to bear. It's fucking hard. Sorry for using that word but I need the worst word I know to describe how incredibly hard this is.

And I'm so tired of feeling like I have to feel guilty for being mad at God, for not believing in God, for not caring much about Christ. It feels like a belief out of fear and not out of love. That's what really bothers me. Why does religion cause me to feel so guilty and afraid? How is that making the most of my life? I'm so mixed up, messed up, confused, sad, alone. Incredibly alone. Though family and friends are there for me, this is not something anyone else can remove or bear. I can't take the pain from my own children's hearts. Everything about this sucks to the moon and back.

I miss you so much.

God can't be real

You watch as we suffer needlessly. You watch as we inflict so much hurt on each other. You watch as so much terrible heartache goes on in the world and we're told this is for our good. We're supposed to want to be like you. I don't want to be like you. I don't want to stand by as my children kill each other, as my children starve, as my children suffer diseases I could fix. On this earth if a parent withholds food from his child, he goes to jail, not a heavenly place like a 5 star resort. If a parent stands by and watches as others abuse his child, that parent goes to jail and is despised by others; that person is generally not someone we want as our leader let alone our God. Yeah, we're getting to the point where we are becoming like you. We elect presidents who are unfaithful and inflict pain on their spouses. When we do that, we're like you. We look for reasons why people should not be held accountable for the egregious acts they do to one another. Just like we have to make up reasons why you could stand by and watch. And yet I'm so brain-washed I can't not believe you exist and are doing these things for some great purpose. It's just sick. I'm so tired of it all.

If Only Dreams Were Real

Elijah, I dreamt about you last night. Finally. A most interesting dream. Not sure what to do with it but I'm writing it down. Dad and I were laying in bed talking. We had such heavy hearts and sadness. We were drowning in your loss. Our room seemed to be the one here in Orem but I could see a refection in the mirror in the bathroom. As Dad and I were crying I looked out our bedroom door and saw a little moving light. I asked Dad if he could see it. He turned his head and said yes that it was probably a reflection in the mirror of the street light outside, but it was moving. The next instance we see your face materialize over the bed and you say, "It's me!" After you said that you appeared between me and Dad in bed as a baby. You slowly were growing in such a natural way into a toddler. You told me you missed me so much. You were torn between God (as you pointed towards my closet) and us. I asked you if you could see God and you pointed to Him and said, "Yes, he's right there." Then you told us God was letting you come back for us to raise again. You kept growing between us and while growing you showed us you and a girl, Natalie in a car (it was a cross between a station wagon and a hearse.) Jonny was driving and either Jared or Jentry was in the front while you were laying in the back and Natalie was reclined beside you. You told us Natalie was your wife who died of an illness and you were so happy you were together again. She was a gorgeous brunette with large, beautiful eyes. Her hair was long and thick. I asked if we needed to get you sealed in the temple. You said, "If you want, but we're already married." I asked you how and you pointed to a ring on your finger then at God and said, "God married us. What more do we need?" Then you were back growing as a boy. You must have been in kindergarten or early elementary school and you were walking in a line at school outing. You were holding hands with the most beautiful blonde-haired girl. You said, "This is Natalie." But her name was something else on earth. You told me she was going to get sick and die and her parents would be very sad but the two of you couldn't wait to be together again with God. Then you asked Dad to give you a blessing. He did because it was his way to be there for you. It was more a Father's Blessing and it seemed it was appropriate, it was just a way to connect. It didn't seem to matter that we were LDS, just that we understood that God will work through our faith in him. We held you, I stroked your hair. It was so soft. Then, I woke up. It felt so real, bittersweet, yet wonderful to see you smile and being happy. I listened to your song "Love Yourself" on SoundCloud and it's like you had been inspired by what was to be after this life for you to write it. This is my favorite new song of yours.

What you were will not happen again...........

Eli,

It's Sunday morning and I've been up for 2 hours dragging the damn hose around the yard, giving the lawn a drink before its 100 degrees outside. I have always loved the quiet of morning and the quiet at midnight, so those are the hours I am usually the most in-tune with the world and myself.  I'm wide awake at noon on most days, but because I crave the quiet, I'm not usually in-tune at noon. This means I sleep very little, especially lately.  I bring it on myself really, for 18 years I have set my alarm to go off beginning at 5:00 AM, 5:15, 5:30, 5:45, 6:00, 6:15, 6:30, 6:45, 7:00, 7:15, and at 7:30 I finally get up.  People give me the strangest look when I tell them that, but it's how I've operated for nearly two decades and I am a little OCD and have always functioned better when i stick with a pattern. I think that might be changing.
I was in Island Park with my family 2 weeks ago and the cabin we rented put me in a loft that looked down on all of my nieces and nephews. Everything was open to the floor below and I knew i would be in trouble if I woke everyone up at the crack of dawn everyday so......I turned off my alarms and took a huge step in an attempt to maybe break out of my absurd morning routine. Again, this was huge for me, LOL.  Want to know what happened? I was wide awake each morning at 3:45, without the assistance of an alarm. When I returned from vacation, I decided to set the alarm at 6:30, 7:00 & 7:30, and I have broken a pattern for and entire week. Baby steps, right???  One other thing you should know is that I don't remember dreams.   I have heard people say that just because you don't remember a dream doesn't mean that you don't dream. The last dream I can remember was a few months after my cousin passed away, 7 years ago.  It was vivid and awesome and I remember it like it was yesterday, but I have not been able to remember a dream in 7 years.  Yesterday though, I had a 10 second dream about you that woke me up.  it was simple, no words were said....I was knocking on the door of your parents house, you opened the door, you had hair, you looked healthy and you just gave me a hug. it felt real, and you had a huge grin on your face.....that's all.
Your mom and i have had several conversations about wanting a sign from you.  I wouldn't necessarily say this dream was a sign, perhaps just a change in my sleep pattern that has finally allowed me to fall into a deep enough sleep that I can dream??? I don't know, i just don't know. but that dream was something I needed.  I laid on the couch, cuz that's where I have slept for nearly 4 months now, and i cried, an hour later I was still crying, I got up to mow the lawn and I cried some more.....(I don't know what it is about mowing the lawn but I do some of my best crying in the yard) all of the students walking to Westminster must think there is something wrong with me cuz this happens every time I mow my lawn.
I went to the rodeo in Heber City last night with a co-worker and his wife.  they had a stand out by the food vendors that had all of these different colored bandannas that each represented a different type of cancer.  Testicular cancer was orchid, but they didn't have any orchid bandannas and it made me mad.  Karl Malone was there auctioning off a new Polaris 4 wheeler to be donated to the rodeo's cancer foundation called "Buck Cancer" I personally think they should replace the B with an F, but that's just me.  someone in the crowd bought it for $17,000.  I was actually glad to see Karl Malone talking about his mother-in-law who passed away from cancer and he was just standing out there, this gigantic dude crying in front of a good 5,000 people, so it felt good to not be the only one there shedding a few tears. They paid tribute to one of the women on the Heber Rodeo committee who passed away this year from pancreatic cancer and her sons rode their horses out into the arena, took the saddles off, gave the horses a smack on the ass and the horses just ran back and forth as the sun went down.  The mountains in the background as the sun was setting were beautiful, although I could have done without the Reba McIntire song that they were playing..... i just pretended that it was Sigur Ros.  
I came across a quote by Charles Bukowski, I went to his facebook page, the dude is cynical and crass, two things I'm trying to avoid becoming, although i do love me a bit of crass. but he has some good, heavy sad stuff...this one hit me in the guts.

"When you left
you took almost everything,
I kneel in the nights
before tigers, that will not let me be.
WHAT YOU WERE WILL NOT HAPPEN AGAIN"

Elijah, I love you brotha.
maybe I'll see ya again soon....in a dream.

Damned Hell

Elijah, I thought by now that things would get better. They're not. I want to run away. Every weekend I feel the need to escape to the mountains. Thing is, there's no escaping the pain. I miss you so very much. I still find it hard to believe I won't see you again in this life. It seems so unreal. But every day goes by and you aren't here...only your memories. People say to be happy for the memories. Thing is, the last two years I have so many memories of you in pain, of you losing your hair and weight, of you crying in my arms. I look at pictures of you in youth and those seem so far away. High school days are great memories though. If I can go to them I can smile. But those damn cancer days...there's no escaping what pain you had to bear. And yet, because of them I got to touch you tenderly every day. I got to tell you how much I love you every day and you said it back so many times in a day. Memories of holding you in bed because you couldn't sleep. Memories of encouraging you and saying you're going to beat this. Memories of you playing your guitar and singing. Memories of our time alone in Indiana. Then come the memories of you not being able to play anymore, not being able to walk anymore, not being able to talk anymore. God I miss you. The heartache is beyond anything I could have imagined. I look at pictures of the Savior in Gethsemane and upon the cross and I now realize none of them come close to showing the agony. The pictures almost look peaceful to me now. What once moved my heart to tears doesn't touch the emotion of agony, pain, and loss I feel. No way can any man capture the pain of Mary let alone the Savior. If he felt my pain, I don't see how he could survive as a human bearing all man's sin, pain, agony, suffering. Even if he was part God, I would think those things would burst his heart well before he was nailed to a cross. I just don't understand. All we have is sanitized agony that totally leaves us unprepared for real agony.

Is this what hell is like? Everyday I walk through fog. Utah had a fire burning that filled the air with smoke. The way the air looked is how I feel inside. I forget things; I get time mixed up; and I'm so tired all the time. Not a regular "haven't had enough sleep" tired but a heavy emotional tired I've never experienced. I hope your spirit is alive somewhere. The church tells me that. I don't feel it yet. People tell me you are near and ask if I feel your nearness. I don't. I don't feel God near. When I go to church I feel such pain. It's so hard to go because people are alive, going forward with their activities and to me the world should be stopping. How can we go on? My world is stopped somehow while still going. Isn't that the definition of damned? Like water is damned and stopped from going in a direction it would like to go yet it still has currents flowing in it. That's me. I'm damned and have currents of life flowing in my veins but it's like life is stuck in my body. It's so weird, so incredibly weird.

Far Reaching

Do you realize how far reaching your influence has been? Europe, the Hawaiian Islands, East Coast to West Coast, inside my heart.

Can't believe

I can't believe I won't see or hear you again while I'm alive. Each time I think that, my heart stops and I have to catch my breath. I want my son back. This is just too much.

Acting

Just can't wrap my head around time anymore. I think about you everyday, yet I can't believe it's been two weeks since I posted my thoughts here. I get up very early and go to bed late at night. Lately I've been lucky to get 6 hours of sleep a night so I do alot of sleeping in on the weekends to catch up. I have such heavy sadness in my heart while my brain tells me to play the optimist and come out of it before people tire of me. What does it help to show sadness really? It's not like sadness will bring you back. At least happiness will put others at ease and cause them to feel alright around me. Even at home, I'm sure Dad would prefer a lift instead of Debbie Downer. I can fake it with others and they'll never know so why not? I can be free to cry alone. My heart can be sinking while the lips are smiling. Never been one to lie, but the truth is depressing me. Perhaps the old saying is true, "Fake it until you make it." Perhaps if my face reflects what I want my body will follow suit. Better to follow the feelings of my existing heart than live in the hole. Breathe Deb, just breathe. Step onto the stage and act.

God delivers, Sufyan-not so much

So Elijah, tonight was the night we came to the Red Rock Amphitheatre for Sufyan's Carrie and Lowell Tour.  I was set to feel your presence as he sang his songs of mourning. I wanted to hear him sing "Drawn to the Blood" so I could really feel the depth of my soul in a hopeful connection to you. As we hiked up to the Venue, storm clouds sprinkled lightly on us bringing wonderful relief from the heat. Looking ahead of us once again, like on our walk to your memorial, in the sky was the most beautiful double rainbow.  As we sat listening to the last of the warm up band, the clouds parted revealing a bright full moon. The rainbow, the red rocks, the full moon, a wonderful start to connect with your spirit through the soft heartfelt music of Sufyan. But alas, it wasn't to be. You see he has had a long time to mourn. He needs to feel alive again. He was so thankful he was breathing. So the concert became alive and rocking. It was too soon for me Elijah. I'm not ready to rock out. I'm not ready to sing and shout. I only want to hold you in my heart and in my arms. I want to feel the warmth of your embrace, touch your face, make you well. Ben and Dad say you would have loved the concert. I'm sure you would. Me, I'm grateful for the rainbow, the full moon, the cool breezes, and      thoughts of you, but of concerts rocking out, it's too soon.

Never Not Thinking of you.

Elijah Kent,

Just because you are gone doesn't mean that I'm not going to begin each blog post as if I'm writing you a letter....I had dinner with your mom on Wednesday.  What a fantastic woman.  Mostly, I was over the moon that she would take time out of her difficult day, to drive a car to work so that she could meet me and have a chat about the one and only you. we laughed, we cried on and off the entire evening, and I didn't want the conversation to end.  Gone a month and it still stings every time I think of you, which is 100 times a day.  I have been thinking about the SEVERAL awesome friends that I have made since our Monday's began, and honestly, I am humbled that since you left us, I have either hung out with or corresponded with members of your family multiple times a week.  They are like the lifeline for me to keep your memory alive.  I've learned so much.  I went to Beck's birthday party where Ryan showed me your attic bedroom, I've hung out with Jordan Whipple and Courtney 3 times, I went to dinner with Ben and then wandered the Arts Festival with him and all we talked about was you. We ran into John Fox from the Annex, I have chatted with Kristina and Nathan Marabello, and the conversations are all centered around you.  

I wonder if you had any idea during the last few weeks of your life how many people loved you, how many prayers were being said on your behalf, how many tears were being shed?  I told your mom how the last time I saw you, (memorial day) I went to leave and you grabbed my hand, like you always did and you said "i Love you, man" and i said, "i Love you too, Buddy" and then you gripped my hand extra hard for a few extra seconds. As I pulled away from your house I had this sick feeling that perhaps it was going to be the last time I saw you.  I drove to the bottom of the hill and had to pull onto the McDonald's parking lot and I cried harder that I've ever cried before.  After about 20 minutes, i grabbed a coke in the drive thru and made my way home.  Buddy, this isn't getting any easier.  I can't remember the last time I slept more than 4 hours at night, there isn't a playlist on Spotify that doesn't have some song that reminds me of you, every time I go to the grocery store I notice the beets on the produce shelf, I've read a years worth of text messages from you over and over, I have the note you left on my couch that day with your fancy cursive writing......and while there is an overwhelming sadness that I feel each time I think of you, you should know that there is also a huge sense of gratitude and humility that i feel too.  I'm reminded of the many posts on facebook where you encouraged your friends to live their lives to the fullest and I am trying to do that, its just so much harder that I expected, which obviously re-affirms what we all seem to know....you were more than just another friend, you were a rare and beautiful creature.  One time, a few months back, I received a message from Ryan, he was at the ER with you and we were texting back and forth and I told him that one of my observations about you was how you seemed so "humbly unaware of your own magic".....you just had a miraculous way of shining brighter than most and you made it look easy. How'd you do that? whats the secret? If one wanted to really venture into the world looking like they had the world all "sussed out," where would they begin? i should have asked you to leave me some instructions for that because you were an absolute master........a lover of life.

Another thing that made me think of you was the date I had tonight with a girl I used to run around with.  I remember the first Monday I came to sit with you and you wanted me to sit on the bench in the hallway outside the bathroom while you got in the tub so we could chat.  So there I was, laying in the hallway, and you said, "why aren't you in love with someone?" and I just sort of stuttered,  uuuuuuuuhhhhhh, well, I , um, I don't know, but I had the biggest grin on my face and thought to myself, "this kid doesn't mess around, he just cuts right to the chase."  and we talked about it and you just said, "you need to find someone to love and someone to love you."  so there I was, taking relationship advice from a kid 15 years my junior and the thing is, you were right.  I do need someone, we all do.

While i feel like my faith isn't what is used to be, i go to bed every night hoping that somewhere, somehow, you are able to look down on us and that you are able to see the impact you had on our lives and i still hold out hope, although some might think it foolish, that one day ill see you again and we will listen to all of the songs that we never listened to, and chat about all of the random things that we never got to talk about.  I wonder if you hear me say, I love you, Pal" every time i pass your picture. I am learning Lua, by bright eyes on the ukulele and I remember our conversation about that particular song like it was yesterday.

I am never NOT thinking of you.

I Love ya,

Jentry

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You Went to a Funeral and Then You Went Home

You heard some bad news from a friend, relative, social media, church or maybe in a gossip circle. However you heard, you immediately felt bad, asked how to help, donated time, food, money or prayers. Whatever you did, the family was grateful, even if they didn’t say it. They were blessed by your gifts. Life goes back to normal. The family sits on your heart. You pray, you ask, you follow the updates. You did what you could. One day, you heard the really bad news: Death won and a family lost. Forever. 2014-05-29-bwmomentScottAna.jpg Once again, you prayed, you helped, gave what you could. Even if you didn’t know it, the family was thankful for you, your help, your prayers, your love and your support. You attended the funeral, cried some real tears, laughed some real laughs, enjoyed the memories of the one who is gone. Finally, you hugged the ones who lost the most. Once the funeral was over and the day was done, you went home. Back to life, back to love, back to those who make your world complete. You went to a funeral, and then you went home. We all lose, but someone that day, went to a funeral and didn’t want to go home. Someone that day, drove home to the couch, the bed, the house that is forever empty. Life is not like it once was and never will be again. Where there was once laughter, sits an empty chair. The couch is bigger, the blankets and pillows are extra. There are empty shoes, clothes, toiletries that might never be used. Bags sit. Drugs disposed. So much to do and SO MANY MEMORIES left to be remembered, processed and grieved. Time passes and the wounds are not healed. Sometimes, life feels normal and OK. Then a birthday, holiday, celebration occurs and the loss is real all over again. Sometimes life is normal, and for no reason at all, the LOSS comes right back, like it happened again. There is loneliness, emptiness and tears. “Public faces” put on a show, and comfort the ones who interact. “Home faces” are real, raw and honest. There are headaches, stomachaches and countless mistakes made all because the grief lives in place of the person who completed a family. Not to mention the questions, the hurt, the anger that sits because it is hard to face. Days pass, holidays pass, milestones completed the grief lives, despite how the family looks in public. Remember, it’s a face, a show, an act, it’s not always real; however, it’s not always fake. When you go to a funeral, and are allowed to go home to life, remember that at least one person goes home to a new life that was NOT asked for, but handed to them. Give those people more than sympathy or judgement; give them an endless amount of time to grieve in their own way. For that one act of kindness and grace, they will be forever grateful for you. Courtney is a mom, teacher, photographer, writer and dreamer. Visit www.oursmallmoments.com.

Hit by a Mack Truck

I got on the Frontrunner this morning feeling pretty good. A smile came naturally to my face. I got to work and a friend told me I was looking radiant then asked how I was feeling. I told her honestly I was feeling pretty good. It felt unbelievable. I was glad to feel a lift in my spirit. Then came lunch. I decided it was a pretty day and I would go out to the Robin's Nest and get an egg salad sandwich. I went down the elevator, walked out the door and WHAM - I was hit by a Mack Truck. At least that's how it felt. All of a sudden I had my breath taken away and I started crying. Then thoughts of Elijah living in Salt Lake City came to my mind. As I walked to the restaurant it didn't let up. I continued crying as I ordered my lunch, got it, went outside and ate it, returned to the office, and sat at my desk. The president's assistant came to tell me she was going to lunch and caught me crying. I currently sit in my own little area where people don't usually see me and that's been a wonderful blessing. Today, however, I got caught. I tried to stifle my tears and was pretty successful until I left to go home and hit the outdoors once again. There's no rhyme or reason. It just came. The truck found me, smacked me, and ruined my otherwise good day. How long until I can concentrate on my blessings? How long until my other children and grandchildren get their mother and grandmother back? I know this hole in my heart will never heal, just scar over. But is this my new normal? In some ways I never want to stop hurting. In my sick little mind hurting is loving. I so want Elijah back. People tell me I'll see him again, but I will never see him while I'm living and so I wait the rest of my life with empty arms. I know I have a husband and sons and daughters-in-law, parents and grandchildren. But each one is loved independently from the others. A loss of any of them leaves my arms empty when I want to hold them. I don't mean to be a whiner, but I miss him so much and it hurts so badly. It's like getting hit by a Mack Truck.

Beach Time

Waves. That's my life now. Elijah sings, "If you feel the size of the ocean's tide know you will survive; don't let go." I know these words intimately because of him. My mind, emotions, abilities flow in and out. The tides create waves. That's the way grief is. It goes in and out; and comes in waves. I know I will survive but... surviving and enjoying the blessings of life are two different things. Elijah said, "It's the memories you make and the moments you save that guides us through this new age." Man, is that ever true. I hold onto those memories and moments. I play his music everyday. I am surrounded by his pictures. I don't know if that's a good thing, but I do know I love to see him and hear his beautiful voice. I spoke with a coworker who lost a grown child 6 years ago. He said they still haven't gotten past it. They will go to do things and end up saying they can't believe their child is not going to be there. He had a hard time talking about it. This is six years into it. For me it still feels like one long day Elijah hasn't been here. The times and seasons are so different. Sun rises and sun sets....what do they mean now? Ben put Elijah's ashes in the Gulf of Mexico today. He's in all these wonderful places yet never escapes my heart. I'm wondering what beach time will be like? Waves everywhere I suppose.

elkebü - Morning After (Official Music Video)

What would Elijah do?

Tonight I had dinner with Elijah's friend Jentry. (Now our whole family's friend....like family) We were talking about the positive impacts Elijah's short life had on so many people. I remarked how he taught me to truly love people and how to be a more patient driver. Jentry told me that people say, "What would Jesus do?" and after knowing Elijah he thinks, "What would Elijah do?" Although as Christians we hold Christ as our example, we did not live when Jesus did. Elijah had the light of Christ in so many ways. So, I catch myself thinking, "What would Elijah do?" when I drive. Jentry brought to my mind how much Elijah loved life and how he told people what a great world it is. As a matter of fact, Jentry shared with me the prayer he offered at Elijah's memorial service. He said his mind was too mixed up from emotions that he had to write it down. I'm so glad he did. I hope he doesn't mind, but I want to share it here because I'm hoping as time passes and I think on this prayer over and over that I will think, "What would Elijah do?" and try to find joy again in my life.
Elijah Kent Buxton Celebration of Life Prayer

We are grateful to have a beautiful venue and evening to celebrate and honor the life of Elijah Kent Buxton.

We are mindful of the efforts made by family, friends, neighbors and ward members to make this night possible; for the time, talents and resources that have been offered with so much love.

We are thankful that we have such a tremendous life to celebrate. For the love Elijah gave to each of us so freely and unconditionally; and for the memories that we each have of our time with him. Regardless of the relationship, the when and where, or the how and why, the common thread is that he loved us, and we loved him. We will continue to love him.

In the days to come we hope for clear minds and hearts. We hope that our memories will be vivid, easily recalled and may they never fade. May his family know how many of us loved their son, grandson, brother and uncle. As they grieve the loss of Elijah may they know that they have a huge support system and so many people who are ready and willing, no matter the hour, to listen and remember this stunning soul who wandered with us on life's journey for a short but gorgeous few years.

Let us remember Elijah's passion for life and the commitment he made to remain positive and humble through the darkest of days; and let us find within ourselves the desire to live with that same resolve...To spread kindness to everyone we meet.

As we conclude our tribute to Elijah this evening we will remember his goodness; may the love he had for us be felt. May we mingle with each other and understand and contemplate the beauty of the diversity among us.

Let us now enjoy the music that has been thoughtfully prepared and rehearsed by his friends and family. May they play their hearts out for Elijah and may he have a front row seat for the remainder of our tribute to him wherever he rests tonight.

Elijah once said, "The world is such a beautiful place when people are being good to each other."

Let's live full, productive, generous and thoughtful lives. Let's love our lives like Elijah loved his. Let's be good to each other.

Thanks Jentry. Thanks Elijah. When the deep sorrow that still fills my heart subsides, I hope it does so because I am thinking, "What would Elijah do?"

One day

I know it's been 26 actual days since you left us, but it feels like one day since I kissed you goodbye on my way to work. I just figured out why it seems like one excruciating day, it's because every morning is like groundhog's day-the movie. I wake up and you're not here. Everyday is like a do-over. If I just get it right I'll wake up and you'll be here. Healthy and happy like you were for 21 years. Thing is I don't know how to get this day right. We walked through the Redwoods down to the ocean. Last time we did that I thought how beautiful and marvelous it all was. This time it just was there. I look at sunsets each night. I used to see colorful, gorgeous skies. Now I see the colors but they lack magnificence. They lack grandeur. They just exist. Everything just exists ever the same. It's all lacking because you aren't here to kiss goodbye to each morning.

Life Well Lived

Aaron Hinton came over and delivered the video from your memorial. In addition, he supplied me with an hour of videos others made of you. What a great life. What a great person. What a great loss. You laughter certainly lit up a room. Your music...... I know I'm a broken record but I miss you with every fiber of my being. I'm going to have to have a talk with God. I really don't understand. I suppose that's what everyone says when a loved one goes so young. All I know is you lived a good life, a happy life, a life filled with joy. I know at times you fought depressions, and in spite of it you lifted others. When you had your last broken heart you cried to me and we resolved that you would pick yourself up and write beautiful music. And you did, "Morning After" and "Inside Out" were written to prove you were a man of your word. Even with cancer you heard music, until a month before the last day of your life. How I miss your music, your smile, your hopping to me from inside a room to yell "Boo!" And your friends. I know I will so miss them. You and your friends filled our home with such joy for so many years. Why did you have to grow up? Why is cancer not cured? Why couldn't my love save you? I hope, Elijah that there is life after death and resurrection. I hope I will be good enough to join you where you are and hug you once again. I love you. I miss you.

Breakable Mom

We drove to the Redwoods and hiked to the ocean to spread some of your ashes. I couldn't do it. I can't bear to willingly part with any part of you. I still feel like I'm in the worst nightmare of my life. I'm surrounded by loved ones trying to lift me up and I want to be happy and show gratitude for the blessings I still have, but living without you just hurts right now. Not knowing if we really have spirits that go on forever. It's not like it even matters. For the rest of my life I will wake up to mornings without your sweet "I love you, Mom" and nights will indeed be dark without "See you in the morning." It hurts and I'm broken. God, I love you Elijah. You were the background music in my life's movie. Forever silenced. 😢

Friend Love and Loss

Elijah Kent Buxton, I said my final farewell to you on Thursday, after you took to the sky. It's now early Monday morning, I can't sleep, and the thought just occurred to me, that today will be the first Monday in 6 weeks that I will not spend the day spinning records for you, watching TV with you, listening to you play your guitar & filling your ice bags. I will not be sitting on the bench in your hallway talking to you through the open bathroom door while you lay in the bathtub, and this afternoon, I will not be fixing you pork and beans and tuna salad sandwiches for lunch, no more 7-eleven runs for coke slurpees. I feel like I've been gutted....that's the only way to describe it, but I also feel like one of the luckiest dudes on the planet, cuz I got to do those things for you, and with you, even if it was for just a short time. A few weeks ago, I arrived home from a day with you, and I printed the ukulele chords to little orphan Annie's anthem, TOMORROW. At the time, it seemed fitting after watching you fighting for your beautiful life....... The sun'll come out, Tomorrow bet your bottom dollar that tomorrow, there'll be sun.... Just thinking about, tomorrow, clears away the cobwebs and the sorrow, 'til theres none When I'm stuck with a day, that's gray, and lonely, i just stick out my chin and grin and say.... The sun'll come out tomorrow, so ya gotta hang on 'til tomorrow, come what may.... Tomorrow, tomorrow, i love ya tomorrow, you're only a day away. Tomorrow, tomorrow, i love ya tomorrow you're only a day away. I even had an old red afro wig that I was going to wear for shits and giggles, cuz I wanted nothing more than to hear you laugh. But I was too late. Honestly, I think you may have dodged a serious bullet, because I just performed it in the privacy of my own living room and it was pure crap, i mean we are talking, make your ears bleed crap!!! and I'm certain you didn't have enough pain meds on your night stand to endure that kind of torture. In all seriousness though, I hope you know how much I love you and how grateful I am for our short and random friendship. I haven't regularly spoken with the man upstairs in quite some time but the last few months we have gotten re-aquainted. Tonight, I am asking him for one thing.....to please let my memories of you stay vivid, clear and easily recalled in the days, weeks, months and years to come, cuz they are good memories, ones worth holding on to. Arcade Fire sang it best: You changed all the lead, sleeping in my head to gold, as the day grows dim, i hear you sing your golden hymn, A song i wish i could sing.... Thanks for being the reminder of everything good that this life has to offer. Your eternal optimism really did change my life. You were loyal, you were kind and you loved your life.....what a concept!!!!! You are probably at band practice with the angels, preparing for your "great gig in the sky" but on those days when things are a little slow up there in the wild blue yonder, send us signs, little reminders that you are still there watching over us. cuz we will never stop needing you. All the love in the world and a huge thank you. you are a LEGEND. And remember, you promised me that I could be the president of your fan club. fat hug my friend, i love you. Jentry PS. I could kick myself for not taking a few more photos of us. I only have this one from our brunch at Finns, with ol Mäx Senger. The rest are just stored in my head. Jentry Nourse's photo. Jentry Nourse's photo. LikeShow more reactionsCommentShare 56Ryan Buxton, Leah Rowberry and 54 others Comments Mäx Senger Mäx Senger Well said jentry. Love you guys! Like · Reply · 1 · Yesterday at 4:18am Sharon Anderson Gross Sharon Anderson Gross We are so sorry for the loss of your friend, Jentry. As your tomorrow comes, we pray God will encourage your heart with good things. You are a good, kind man. Like · Reply · 1 · Yesterday at 4:37am Justin Carver Justin Carver That's really cool Jentry. I'm sorry for the loss of your good buddy. I know how much you looked forward to your Monday's. I hope we are all as lucky as Eli to find such a great person to spend our final moments with. Like · Reply · 2 · Yesterday at 6:17am Ellen Skollingsberg Ellen Skollingsberg Jentry Nourse, as I read, through tears, your beautiful message to your dear friend Elijah I thought to myself how blessed I was to meet YOU Jentry as a student and how blessed I am now to be able to call such a kind, generous, selfless, and loving 'gentle'man a friend! My heart aches for you at this time Jentry as you are dealing with the pain of loss. Take Care ! Like · Reply · 1 · Yesterday at 6:39am Jordanna Smith Jordanna Smith I hate to start my morning of with tears but I just can't help it this morn! Praying for peace and comfort to you and his family and hoping he does send some signs from above! As Justin said I hope I have such a friend in my final moments. Love you! Like · Reply · 2 · Yesterday at 7:52am Elijah Kent Buxton Elijah Kent Buxton Jentry as I picked up Elijah's phone this morning (which feels like a part of him) your post is the first sounds I hear in my head and they're so beautiful. I thought I'd send this message from his phone so you'd have another lovely post with his name ...See More Like · Reply · 3 · Yesterday at 8:23am Jentry Nourse replied · 1 Reply Rae Lynn Allen Rae Lynn Allen Sorry for your loss. That was a beautiful tribute to your friend. I'm sure he heard that epic performance of "Tomorrow" and just laughed away at you from above. Like · Reply · 1 · Yesterday at 8:39am Michelle Allison Michelle Allison Beautiful tribute. I'm sorry for your loss and sending hugs and sunshine your way. ❤ Like · Reply · 1 · Yesterday at 9:29am Amy Reynolds Canter replied · 2 Replies Caisha Lee King Caisha Lee King So sorry for your loss jent, beautiful tribute 💜💜💜 Like · Reply · 1 · Yesterday at 9:44am Kathy Todd Webster Kathy Todd Webster I'm so sorry Jentry for your loss of a dear and close friend. It's an indescribable pain a pain I wish I could take away. Your in my thoughts always Jentry. Like · Reply · 1 · Yesterday at 10:38am Dick Nourse Dick Nourse Very well stated Jentry! He must have been such a special friend. The kind who don't regularly come along in life. Like · Reply · 2 · Yesterday at 12:12pm Nichole Almond Summerhays Nichole Almond Summerhays Jentry I'm so impressed with your touching message you shared. I've always known how sweet, kind & whimsical you are. So hearing how you thoughtfully help in time of need was no surprise. You are that friend that everyone wishes they had!!!! Sorry for your loss, my thoughts are with you. Like · Reply · 1 · Yesterday at 3:09pm Josi Nourse Gross Josi Nourse Gross Ohhh, well said jent, as usual. You really are the greatest! I hope his family, and you as well, find peace of mind in the days to come. You did wonderful things for Eli, and him for you. Love ya Jent. Like · Reply · 1 · Yesterday at 4:06pm Nate Wojcik Nate Wojcik Sorry to hear, bud. Rest in peace, Elijah... Like · Reply · 20 hrs Angie N Jeff Stephenson Angie N Jeff Stephenson ❤️😇😥 Like · Reply · 16 hrs Deb Buxton Write a comment... Choose File