Holiday re-cap

Dear Elijah,

It's December 27th, 8:19 AM and i just got into work.  I'll be one of 3 people in the office today so things will be quiet. That's always refreshing since i like the quiet.  I had a really nice Christmas.  I went to Colorado Christmas Eve Morning to be with my family. I stopped and had a Chai with your dad at Starbucks and then we went back to your house to see if your mom was still there, but she had gone shopping and Ben was at work. I left them 3 records that had been on my list of "vinyls for Eli", somehow, I have to finish that list, but then I realized that it'll never be complete cuz every time i hear a good album or find a new artist, ill make a mental note that "this is one Elijah would like" and it will get added to a never ending list. In a way, I think it's a good thing, it will keep you forever in the front of my mind, but i wonder if I'll ever be able to think or talk about you without bawling? I don't know. 

 I'm always reminded of the many blessings I have when I go home. Not many people are surrounded by 28 Immediate family members on the holidays.  My mom always goes to so much work to make sure the house looks like a winter wonderland. Every room has some type of decoration and it's one thing I have always loved. Everything is always festive. My dad always cooks a prime rib for dinner and while it's usually too pink for me, they always save and end cut so i don't have to gag. My siblings all show up, their kids all matching, and everything is right, you know, I don't have anything to complain about, Elijah, my life is so good.....but there's this one thing..... One of my favorite people isn't around to wish a merry Christmas to, and his family, who I adore, are spending their first Christmas without their Son, Brother, & Uncle, and it rips me to shreds inside, like it wrecks some serious havoc on all the good that is sitting right before me, and then I just become angry.  I laid on the couch Christmas day, all fucking day, didn't shower, I watched about 5 John Wayne movies with my mom and dad and football (which i absolutely hate) but the house was quiet and we ate leftovers and I drifted in and out and did nothing which kind of felt good. A few siblings stopped by to say hey, I held my Niece, Loxxley for an hour, she sang some song that I remember learning as a kid that has all of these actions you do with your hands about "bringing home my baby bumble bee, wont my mommy be so proud of me" and the bee stings you and then you squash the baby bumble bee, and it was hysterical, and for a second I forgot that I was sad and then they left and I just kind of rolled over on the couch to pretend like I was sleeping and I cried for about an hour and then I pulled it together and then it was time for bed. Mostly, I feel like sleeping a lot these days.

The night before I headed out, I stopped by Ryan and Katie's to give them their Christmas presents and they surprised me with the coolest Record player.  Way too generous of them.  But now I will have a record player that works and I can listen to all of the vinyls that have been collecting dust in my living room. so cool.  It was awesome to see him for a few minutes and I'm glad he was able to come home and see the little dudes and Katie. It's gotta be rough being away like that. He sent me a photo last night of the fireplace that they finished and the house is coming together nicely.  

Oh yeah, I nearly forgot to tell you.....Nathan Marabello stopped by my house last week to grab one of your cd's that I brought from your release party. I gave him a pin which he added to the ones he had on his levi jacket and he hugged me about 5 times and just kept saying "thank you" and he got all teary and just had to leave.....so it was good to see that it's not just me who gets like that......

Your release party was nothing short of perfect..... I mean it. you'd have been over the moon. I pictured you there just grinning at all of it.  Huge turnout, t-shirts, posters, pins, vinyl, cd. Even the music Jared played between and after the performances was beautiful...the 3 performers were brilliant, the songs left me standing there fighting the weeps and then there was the video that Ben put together that played to your cd.  I think the night was something that everyone needed, it was a necessary step in the goodbye process, it was tragic, and beautiful and peaceful all at the same time. the one thing I felt the entire night, the thing that kept coming to mind was how PROUD I am of you. I am thankful to you and I will be forever for working so hard to be able to leave your music for us. it's the greatest gift you could have given and i just can't believe the determination you  had, even in your weakest most painful moments, to continue working on your music.....I knew you were working on it, but until I heard it, that night, I didn't fully understand how talented you are.....Buddy, were you there? did you see or hear any of it? were you pleased? do you peak down on us when we are working at Ryan's house? do you hear me when i whisper "Elijah, are you here my friend?" up to the attic every time I'm over there? sometimes i think i feel ya, other times i think I'm just bat-shit crazy.  

I miss u, so bad , and I hate it.

I think I'm becoming bitter, and I hate bitter people.

I say Fuck about 300 times a day, I flip the bird to people on the freeway, you know those ass-hats who like to drive 60 in the 70 lane, and I tell myself Elijah would be really disappointed in you right now, and then I become sad and say fuck about 300 more times.

Then I go to Ryan and Katie's, I see Beck and Bob and I'm filled with Happy and then I drive home and walk in my house and I go, "oh great, another beer and another cheese quesadilla for dinner" and then I'm sad and pissed-off again.

I feel good and hopeful for the hour I'm with my therapist and then I wake up the next day and I'm incredibly pissed off....I never saw you pissed off. how is that?  I saw you at the lowest point a person could possibly be, and you were never pissed off......always calm, always nice, sometimes melencholy, sometimes weak, Tired, but never pissed off. I don't have that kind of strength....You should be here.  Period! I'm sorry! I'm so, so sorry!

I hope the new year can bring something new. Maybe something Happy, or funny.

Anything really, just something new, cuz everything is just one big blur right now. A sad, heartbreaking blur.  I don't want to leave only sad here on your blog, but I cant fake it either, and pretend like things are great, cuz they aren't. 

it only took me 2 hours to type this...hmmmm!

I love u, my friend. so @#$%^&* much!

Jentry

Unbreakable Elkebu - Breakable Mom

Elijah, I want out of my life.  You're the lucky one.

Faith is hard.

Tomorrow you will have been gone for 6 months.  Six excruciatingly painful months.  My sister, Lora told me that as she was attending the dedicatory session in the Boston temple that she felt you and the message she felt was that you wanted me to have joy.  Problem is Elijah, I've lost almost all of my faith.  It all seems like a fairy tale to me now.  It was so easy to believe when death came in an orderly fashion.  That's just how it works.  We're born; we grow old; we die.  It's easy to believe there's a life after because it all happens in order.  But now I'm struggling to believe.  My child died before me and that means I have to breathe every breath for the rest of my life without you. Where I had your form, now I have absolutely nothing but memories to remind me that you actually lived.  I realized I have no way of proving you ever existed except in records and in 100 years, no one will "know" you lived, they will either believe printed words or say it's just a made up story that you ever existed.  Thing is, I know you lived.  I know you were magnificent.  I know you had challenges.  I know you were a musician.  I have your music.  But I can't prove it was you singing or playing.  i can't prove it to anyone in the world.  People can give me counter arguments that it's someone else, that videos are staged.  On and on and on.  But....I KNOW.  Can I ever KNOW that you are still alive in the Spirit World?  My patriarchal blessing tells me to learn from the experiences of others. Problem is, it also tells me the spirit would warn me when my children were in danger.  To this day I wasn't warned about your danger.  As a mother I worried about your pain, I worried about the veriseal.  I worried when the doctor left the cancerous lymph node without trying another round of chemo the first time but instead pronounced you in remission.  I never felt comfortable about so many things with you boys, Was it the spirit talking or my own worries?  Now I wonder if I ever have felt the spirit in my life or is it just me wanting to believe in some magic?  Are all my beliefs just a way of satisfying myself that we're more than we are, or is it just a way to avoid the reality that we are born because our parents had sex and we die because our bodies give out and that's it?  Are the beliefs I've been taught just a modern mythology?  How can I know?  My patriarchal blessing also promised me that I'd be given "even hidden treasures of knowledge."  All I have is belief.  I have no knowledge at all.  I especially don't have "even hidden treasures of knowledge." I want to believe, I'm trying very hard to believe, but I'm left so incredibly alone.  Where I thought I had the spirit, there is none despite my repeated prayers.  I don't know that I can live by faith anymore.