Covered by Film

Haven't posted in a long time.  It hurts so much.  I still cry almost daily.  This morning it was on the way to work when the memory of returning home on June 2nd and having the family tell me you were gone hit me.  I cried.  Elijah, I miss you so very much.  We had your friends over on Sunday and we talked about how it is for them without you.  They seem to be able to go on which I would expect.  They also can't look at life the same and your memory prods them on to do better.  Wish I could say the same.  I'm stuck in a rut of wondering why it even matters.  I've had a cloud of depression that has dissipated somewhat but I feel covered by a film of substance that I can't imagine ever leaving.  How can I ever see life through happy eyes again?  It's true I can be happy about events, but to just feel happy because I'm alive, I just don't get it.  As Jonny said, "Elijah would want me to 'Go for it!'"  Or Gemma senses that you want her to experience life with zeal and so she tries hard things knowing that you're beside her.  I too know that you wouldn't want me to be sad but Elijah I'm a mom.  You're my son.  You weren't supposed to die before me.  I have no evidence that you go on.  I don't feel it like Gemma does.  I sure wish I did.  Just to feel your presence and "know" I would give the world away.  Life has just been very, very hard since you left.  I do have blessings and I do appreciate them but I'm just covered with a tar-like film that I can't remove.  I love you Elijah.  I miss you Elijah.