Covered by Film

Haven't posted in a long time.  It hurts so much.  I still cry almost daily.  This morning it was on the way to work when the memory of returning home on June 2nd and having the family tell me you were gone hit me.  I cried.  Elijah, I miss you so very much.  We had your friends over on Sunday and we talked about how it is for them without you.  They seem to be able to go on which I would expect.  They also can't look at life the same and your memory prods them on to do better.  Wish I could say the same.  I'm stuck in a rut of wondering why it even matters.  I've had a cloud of depression that has dissipated somewhat but I feel covered by a film of substance that I can't imagine ever leaving.  How can I ever see life through happy eyes again?  It's true I can be happy about events, but to just feel happy because I'm alive, I just don't get it.  As Jonny said, "Elijah would want me to 'Go for it!'"  Or Gemma senses that you want her to experience life with zeal and so she tries hard things knowing that you're beside her.  I too know that you wouldn't want me to be sad but Elijah I'm a mom.  You're my son.  You weren't supposed to die before me.  I have no evidence that you go on.  I don't feel it like Gemma does.  I sure wish I did.  Just to feel your presence and "know" I would give the world away.  Life has just been very, very hard since you left.  I do have blessings and I do appreciate them but I'm just covered with a tar-like film that I can't remove.  I love you Elijah.  I miss you Elijah.

Elijah Kent,
I feel like its been ages......I had intentions of posting here a lot.  Instead, i find that i post everything in my head and it never makes it here to your blog.  You know, the conversations i have with you on my way to work in the morning, and the imaginary phone calls asking if you want me to grab you a concert ticket, and the chats we carry on in my head when I'm mowing the lawn, and when i go on a road trip.  I talk to you every day, and every day i find myself  looking for something i can call a "sign from Elijah Kent"  I am wondering if this causes me to make a bigger deal out of things that are just coincidences....... at the same time, there are times where i am convinced that the simplest thing was just "Eli, saying hey".  I'm past the point of worrying about anyone thinking i'm crazy for believing that 3 connor oberst songs in a row when my playlist is on shuffle HAS to be your way of letting me know you are there. it makes me feel better to believe it, and i don't give a shit if it makes sense to anyone else.  Do we tell ourselves the things we need to tell ourselves to help us get through a day? Sometimes, i question things, but at the end of the day, i refuse to even entertain the though of your life just being over...i cant do it, I refuse.  Have you ever just known something without being able to fully explain it? without all the scientific facts or evidence or convincing arguments? Sometimes you just know without knowing how you know. That's where I'm at. 6 months ago, i felt different. i had so many doubts, but believing you are just done with this life,  all of these conversations that never happened, laughs never laughed, to think that it's just over.....for me it's not an option.  I try to picture myself standing at the pearly gates, and i imagine you there, and i just want to be able to see ya again and be able to look you in the eye and say "I knew I'd see you again" that doesn't seem like such a huge request. to NOT believe this makes me feel like I'm giving up.  I wont do it. The world has so many harsh realities, so many things that can make a person doubt.  Like the Easter Bunny and Santa Claus, remember what a let down it was when you found out they weren't real?  all one has to do is turn on the news, it's easy to believe it's all going to shit. Easier to not believe than to believe and find out you were wrong. But why do we feel obligated to take a yes or no stand on everything???? Is it possible that maybe we just don't know and maybe we can't explain it and maybe that's ok....Maybe evolution and Adam and Eve fit into one big story that we just don't get yet.....why do we think we are so smart that we have enough information to make these decisions?  we aren't smart enough to cure cancer, we haven't figured out how to end poverty, we have all of these unanswered, unsolved things going on all around us every day, why can't we be content to look at god and the afterlife and just say, "maybe i don't have enough information yet  to give a definitive yes or no" why has it become so easy for people to dismiss anything magical.  It reminds me of a conversation you and i had.  I remember it well.  I showed up to your house and like usual, i saw you in the hospital bed and before i could even say "hey", i was crying. I remember saying, "can i ask you a personal question? and you said "you can ask me anything" and i asked you if you believed in god you said "i hope there is a god and i hope he loves me" I wish that having hope was easier....i believe we should question things, but i don't trust anyone who claims to have all the answers about god and the afterlife.  I have hope and a hunch that I'm gonna see you again. Nothing would make me happier. I think of you every day....Every single day....That makes you like one of the most important friends I've ever had. I hope you know this and i hope you never forget it. I don't know if you left this world understanding how amazing you are. You knew you were loved, i know this, but were you aware how important you were to me, how by just knowing you, my life was changed? I hope you knew that. I hope you know that now.
i miss ya today and everyday, but especially today..
I have made an observation.....I have full on ugly face cry sessions every time i log on to a website to buy concert tickets. You should be here, we should have learned to play a guitar/ukulele duet, some days it dawns on me how much stuff you should be here doing and for me, that's the hard part.
Elijah, i feel like i ramble, like i say the same thing in every blog and facebook message...but i never get tired of recalling the few awesome lessons you taught me and conversations that changed my life. There aren't even words, but some day ill find the right words, and when i see ya again, maybe you'll just know.  i just hope you know.
Thanks for being my friend.
Looking forward to having Ryan, Katie, Beck & Bob join me at the cabin this year. I always hoped that id be able to show you that place. if ya have a sec, let us know you are watching us.
I love you pal.
J

Time passes

Haven't posted in here in a while. It's not that I haven't thought about you. I rarely go to bed, get up, go to work, or return from work without thinking of you. Your grandma reminded me yesterday that I have three other wonderful sons. I know that, I really do.  But for now my heart hurts so much that I am consumed with missing you. I don't know when I will ever feel to rejoice about life again. Will I Elijah?  Each day passes and unfortunately there's not much I care about living for. I know it sounds pathetic. Especially since you wanted to live so much. I'm sorry it wasn't me. I wish so much you could have had a long beautiful life.

I've had a couple strange things happen to me this past month. I know everyone else in the family will think I was just around a couple of nut cases, but I can't think that. I try, but I can't.

In Hawaii, I floated a lantern for you during the Memorial Day Shinto observance. A young woman tapped me on the shoulder. She was a beautiful young blond girl. She said she was drawn to me from behind. She wanted to know about the person for which I was floating a lantern. I told her about you and about how almost one year to the date you had died from cancer. With tears streaming down her eyes she said, " He wants you to know that he's sorry he had to leave so early." Immediately I thought about her words - so early. The words were not - so young. You see, you passed away an hour before I could get home. I've felt so awful and still do that I hadn't stayed home that day. I regret that I wasn't there for you, sending you off with kisses and my love. So to hear those words - so early when she didn't know I missed you by an hour was pretty significant to me.

I've been praying so much that you would come tell me you were alive and that life goes on.  She said you had been trying to send messages to me through other people.  I can't think of how except with her.  I looked her up on the computer and she's a "spiritual healer."  Got a degree in psychology.  I wondered if she was trying to drum up business, but that's all she said.

Then, yesterday I was shopping for groceries.  I got to the checkout stand and finished paying for groceries and the young woman looked at me and said, "You have eyes just like Jesus Christ.  I was in a coma for six months when I was twelve and I still remember it.  You're eyes are just like his."  I looked at her quizzically and she said, "I hope I haven't offended you."  I assured her she hadn't then told her that she had given me something to think about.

I have to hold all of these things in my heart.  When I had faith I would have believed it was you sending these messages.  Now, I just don't know.  I don't bother to share them with anyone in the family because they would just think both of these people are nut cases.  But, why am just I getting these messages?  You know Elijah, they say things happen in threes.  Will you come to me next?

We're always given these talks in general conference about the dead visiting.  Can't you just come for a short while?  Can't I just hear your voice?  When I was young I prayed and had miraculous things happen.  I know Mike would explain all of them through nature.  Bur I remember hearing so clearly a voice when my dad asked me to pray about his plane.  Everything was fulfilled.  My brother's warts, overnight.  The car battery in Denver, the breakdown outside Price at the sign.  The store, the bishop who worked for NAPA Auto parts.  And yet...... people pray for deliverance from kidnapping and God answers a prayer for a car?  I just don't know.

I've believed God was there my whole life.  Now, I don't know.  And yet, these two occurrences within a month of each other.  I just don't know.  I do know I love you with all my heart and don't want you to not exist.  But I don't want to make it happen in my heart and mind if it isn't real.  It's so hard because I've never been able to live a lie.  Even now, I can't go to church because I can't live a lie that it's true or that God even exists.  I can't live a lie.  Why do I have such scrupulosity?  Why can't I make myself believe? My parents and siblings want me to.  Georgia thinks I'm some kind of heretic. But, I can't live a lie.  So I'm left in this strange limbo.  I don't know anything.  I just hold it all in my heart along with you hoping that some day I'll know once again, but this time with a sure knowledge. I just can't pretend and it makes me crazy.  Help me Elijah.  Please?

Denial

Such a hard month. One year ago this was the last month of your life. Who knew? You struggled so much. I felt so helpless. How is it possible you're gone? How is it even possible?  God, if he exists is so very cruel. He wants mothers to live by faith when her takes our children. I don't understand how that makes me stronger. I lived by faith my whole life. Not now. Not with this. This sucks. My precious pearl was taken. My son is gone from me. I will not live by faith.  His plan sucks. How to get out of this abyss. It can't be happening.

New Birth of Spring

No spring inside of me. Just the grief of winter's death. Part of me wants to feel the joy of living just for you because I know you would want me to, but I'm sorry Elijah. Winter has been around for a year. I've become an eskimo.

Miss you like crazy

Wish I could just spill my heart out.  Wish I knew whether you still exist or not.  Dad doesn't think life goes on.  He thinks it's easier to believe this is all we get.  I don't want to give up on the thought that we go on and I'll see you again but I have no evidence.  Just this empty heart.  I'm afraid I'm a doubting Thomas.  I won't believe unless I see and I want to see so badly.  I'm probably one of the most wanting to have faith faithless people on the earth right now.  I know living Elijah, but I don't know dying.  I miss you so much it hurts every single day.

Grief

Today Jentry posted a grief article.  I read it in the morning and really related with it.  As I was driving home tonight I was thinking how today was the 1st and tomorrow will be 9 months since you left us.  I read the poetry your Dad writes and it captures feelings about you and your death so realistically to me.  I read Aunt Deanna's posts on Facebook that she writes to Scott, Sam, and David and her words are so beautiful and full of everything.  I don't have a way with words for you Elijah. Just know my heart aches unceasingly.  My brain just doesn't work right these days.  Whereas I used to be able to do school so well, I just can't seem to remember anything I'm studying for the CPA exam.  My body, my brain, and my heart have had enough.  I really don't understand how Aunt Deanna is still alive.  She's lost over half her family if you don't count her.  3 of the 5 other important people in her life have died in under 3 years and 2 of them in under 1 year.  It's hard for me to realize the body can function under those circumstances.  My brain has said enough.  My heart still skips a beat when I think of not seeing you ever again in my lifetime.  I hope you're alive.  I hope our spirits go on.  I want to see you again, talk to you again, hug you again, hear you sing again, see your dimpled smile again.  Without any of those things life is just not as beautiful for me.  I wonder how long my heart can go on.  I haven't gotten to be like the woman in the grief article Jentry posted.  She is sticking it to grief; not letting grief have her life but she is living the life her son would have loved to have gotten.  I want to do that for you but I just can't yet.  The empitness of your loss makes it seem impossible to ever really enjoy anything again.  I'm sorry.  I want to but I can't.  I'm buried in grief.

Emptiest Nest

Well Elijah,
Ben left home today.  After putting his life pursuits on hold to help care for you, he's reentering the human rat race.  He left for Califorrnia.  Now all of my sons are so far away.  Our home is so empty. It's incredibly lonely.  Your background music, young friends, grandchildren, brothers mingling---all gone.  So silent.  So not what I thought having children gone would feel like.  Is the best past?  I wish the world would have ended before you did.  I don't know when this sadness that engulfs my soul will disperse.  I can't imagine it ever dispersing.  When you left a part of me died.  With my sons gone it's incredibly hard.  I used to look forward to the freedom having my boys gone would bring.  My soul is anything but free.  Funny how my freedom is tied to having you boys around.  If you were alive and gone, it wouldn't be so hard.  I would know I could call you or see you whenever I wanted.  I know I can do that with your brothers, but since you died the control I felt over life has disintegrated.  No control, no certainty, nothing but hope and faith.  I had those at one time too, tremendous hope, unbreakable faith.  I hoped you'd be cured, I hoped you would go on to sing for those suffering.  I had faith Heavenly Father would hear our prayers, the prayers in temples, the prayers in other religious congregations, the prayers of little children.  Nothing, hope - barely hanging on - it's all I have.  Faith - not even of a particle of a mustard seed.  Now your songs are the only quasi relief I get from suffering.  Your music is a two-edged sword. I love hearing your voice, having your talent engulf me.  But with every note you sing comes a recognition that no more songs will be made.  That cuts.  Now I'm not just an empty-nester, but I am a broken empty-nester.  This bird has broken her wings and will not fly.  Not now anyway.  No dreams.

Why faith?

God,
Do you even hear me?  You teach me to love and have faith.  In all previous deaths of loved ones I believed.  I had hope. I remained faithful.  Why must I just have to hold on to faith?  Why can't I see Elijah and know he lives?  Just once?  Just a minute?  Come on, I'm his mom.  I was sick, and sore, and hurt when I was pregnant but I endured.  I stayed at home with him when he was young.  I took him to practices, to games, got him a guitar to develop his talents.  I welcomed his friends without judgment.  I loved them all, I fed them, I housed them.  I held callings all my life and gave everything to them.  You've taken him from me and that is so hard.  But why do I also have to just go on faith? Why can't I see him - just once?  I know there's so much suffering in the world.  Parents lose their kids everyday.  I know.  This is life.  But it hurts so much and it would take so little to ease my pain. Why won't you?  What have I done so terribly wrong that you have left me alone? You let people like Donald Trump be wealthy and mean and you let him rule on the earth while someone as mild and gentle as Elijah you take.  I know we have to have agency but why must grieving mothers not get comfort?  Why after 58 years of faithfulness can't I just see him for a second?  I don't understand you God.  You told me in my patriarchal blessing that the righteous desires of my heart would be mine. Why is the desire to know not righteous?  Miracles happen to people all over the earth.  In and out of the church people see departed loved ones.  They live to testify of you and life beyond.  People come and give genealogical information.  Why can't a son come and calm his mother's aching heart?
I don't understand but I do hurt.  As a mother I couldn't do that to my child.  Are you even there?