Can it be possible to really be alive without you?

That's what I was thinking when I woke up this mornng.  Last night we went to the Provo Rooftop Concert Series.  You'd be disappointed to know that this is the last year they're doing it.  I imagined how happy you would have been to be there last night. Desert Noises and Joshua James performed.  You'd have run around helping them.  Heck you may have performed with them by now.  Listening made me realize how silent our house has gone without your background music.  It sucks Elijah.  I miss you so much.  I miss that smile of yours.  It was the happiest smile. It was the cutest smile.  It seems surreal to be alive, to have been your mother, to have known you from your first breath to your last.  How is that possible?  I watched an entire life come and go.  And yet here I am, still alive.  Barely wanting to be here.  My soul kind of just died when you did.  It is so hard to go on every day.  I love your brothers and do so so that they don't have to lose another family member, but it is hard.  It is so hard.  My soul has died.  My heart has hardened a bit.  My joy is never full.  I always have an ache.  I love you Elijah.  I miss you Elijah.  Life isn't the same.  Life will never be the same.  It will never be full again. How am I even living?  I don't understand any of this.  I don't understand anything at all.