Your Scent

Elijah,

I don't know what to believe.  I've had 5 Extraordinary Experiences (EE).  The first was the day you died.  I went outside and looked to the sky and saw 4 birds flying in the V shape but only three were in the V one just kept circling the V.  It seemed like the one circling was watching over the other three going in a direction.  It felt so much like a representation of what you were doing with your three brothers.

The second was when I went to work 3 days after you died.  I was walking from the bus stop to Questar in Salt Lake.  When I turned a corner I felt you and I wondered what I was doing going on...I felt you near. 

The third happened when I dreamed you came to me happy and told me about being reunited with the love you had before you were born.  It felt so real and I was so happy.  I wrote a blog about it. 

The fourth was when I was in Hawaii and a lady approached me and said you wanted to tell me you were sorry you had to leave early.  How could she know you died before I was able to get home from work?

Now today I went to set down in my recliner after work.  Immediately I smelled you.  One inhale.  I looked around.  I lifted the throw blanket you gave me.  I've washed it since you died and wondered if somehow your scent could still be there but it wasn't .  It was a second but it was so real. 

I looked it up and all of these are experiences others have with loved ones who've passed.  I don't know what to think.  I love these "signs."  Psychology today wonders if they are hallucinations.  But I wasn't even thinking of you when the scent came.  I want to know Elijah.  I want to know you go on.  I want to know life exists after death.  I want to know you're happy.  I will remain open for more.

C.S. Lewis said we can't hear until we are out of our extreme hurt and mourning.  I am trying Elijah, really I am.  I'm so lost.  I've lost my faith.  I don't believe the church teachings of kingdoms and judgement. I'm trying to believe of one great whole we become.  All joined.  I just want to know.  I will hope.  I will remain open to you.  I will hold all of these things close to my heart and try to believe it's all you trying to comfort me.  But there's a part of me that still doubts.  Please keep trying to get through to me.  Please dont' give up on me.  I want to know you.  I don't care if people think I'm a crazy lady and that I'm putting too much weight on these things.  But please keep trying.  I promise I'm watching.

I love the second of scent I got from you.  Thank you.

Love,
Mom