Why?

Sometimes I think my heart will just shatter.  It physically hurts.  I don't understand why it doesn't.  Why do I still live when you so wanted to and now I just don't care?  None of this makes any sense to me at all.  Why does my heart keep beating?  My brother called this week.  There was an article in the paper where he lives by a woman he knows whose son was killed by a sniper in Afghanistan.  He was only 22.  That was 15 years ago.  She said time doesn't heal wounds; what you do with your time heals wounds.  She has organized efforts to help veterans.  It has made the difference in her life.  Maybe because I was raised Mormon and spent all of my life up to your sickness serving in the church, maybe that's why I feel too tired to go out and serve....to reach out and make someone else's life better.  I don't know......It's been suggested to think of how you will feel when we meet again if there's an afterlife, how will you feel about how I've lived since you've passed.....I'm just not as good as you Elijah.  You gave living everything you had.  I'm living with the results that it didn't matter that you gave it all.  Life just got sucked out of you.  Yes, you left everyone feeling loved.  Yes, your music touches hearts to this day.  But me, right now I'm just a mass of flesh with a gaping wound that wonders how it's possible that my heart doesn't shatter because it physically hurts so much.  And time.....three fucking years and no energy to give a shit.