Just because you are gone doesn't mean that I'm not going to begin each blog post as if I'm writing you a letter....I had dinner with your mom on Wednesday. What a fantastic woman. Mostly, I was over the moon that she would take time out of her difficult day, to drive a car to work so that she could meet me and have a chat about the one and only you. we laughed, we cried on and off the entire evening, and I didn't want the conversation to end. Gone a month and it still stings every time I think of you, which is 100 times a day. I have been thinking about the SEVERAL awesome friends that I have made since our Monday's began, and honestly, I am humbled that since you left us, I have either hung out with or corresponded with members of your family multiple times a week. They are like the lifeline for me to keep your memory alive. I've learned so much. I went to Beck's birthday party where Ryan showed me your attic bedroom, I've hung out with Jordan Whipple and Courtney 3 times, I went to dinner with Ben and then wandered the Arts Festival with him and all we talked about was you. We ran into John Fox from the Annex, I have chatted with Kristina and Nathan Marabello, and the conversations are all centered around you.
I wonder if you had any idea during the last few weeks of your life how many people loved you, how many prayers were being said on your behalf, how many tears were being shed? I told your mom how the last time I saw you, (memorial day) I went to leave and you grabbed my hand, like you always did and you said "i Love you, man" and i said, "i Love you too, Buddy" and then you gripped my hand extra hard for a few extra seconds. As I pulled away from your house I had this sick feeling that perhaps it was going to be the last time I saw you. I drove to the bottom of the hill and had to pull onto the McDonald's parking lot and I cried harder that I've ever cried before. After about 20 minutes, i grabbed a coke in the drive thru and made my way home. Buddy, this isn't getting any easier. I can't remember the last time I slept more than 4 hours at night, there isn't a playlist on Spotify that doesn't have some song that reminds me of you, every time I go to the grocery store I notice the beets on the produce shelf, I've read a years worth of text messages from you over and over, I have the note you left on my couch that day with your fancy cursive writing......and while there is an overwhelming sadness that I feel each time I think of you, you should know that there is also a huge sense of gratitude and humility that i feel too. I'm reminded of the many posts on facebook where you encouraged your friends to live their lives to the fullest and I am trying to do that, its just so much harder that I expected, which obviously re-affirms what we all seem to know....you were more than just another friend, you were a rare and beautiful creature. One time, a few months back, I received a message from Ryan, he was at the ER with you and we were texting back and forth and I told him that one of my observations about you was how you seemed so "humbly unaware of your own magic".....you just had a miraculous way of shining brighter than most and you made it look easy. How'd you do that? whats the secret? If one wanted to really venture into the world looking like they had the world all "sussed out," where would they begin? i should have asked you to leave me some instructions for that because you were an absolute master........a lover of life.
Another thing that made me think of you was the date I had tonight with a girl I used to run around with. I remember the first Monday I came to sit with you and you wanted me to sit on the bench in the hallway outside the bathroom while you got in the tub so we could chat. So there I was, laying in the hallway, and you said, "why aren't you in love with someone?" and I just sort of stuttered, uuuuuuuuhhhhhh, well, I , um, I don't know, but I had the biggest grin on my face and thought to myself, "this kid doesn't mess around, he just cuts right to the chase." and we talked about it and you just said, "you need to find someone to love and someone to love you." so there I was, taking relationship advice from a kid 15 years my junior and the thing is, you were right. I do need someone, we all do.
While i feel like my faith isn't what is used to be, i go to bed every night hoping that somewhere, somehow, you are able to look down on us and that you are able to see the impact you had on our lives and i still hold out hope, although some might think it foolish, that one day ill see you again and we will listen to all of the songs that we never listened to, and chat about all of the random things that we never got to talk about. I wonder if you hear me say, I love you, Pal" every time i pass your picture. I am learning Lua, by bright eyes on the ukulele and I remember our conversation about that particular song like it was yesterday.
I am never NOT thinking of you.
I Love ya,
Jentry
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