Hit by a Mack Truck

I got on the Frontrunner this morning feeling pretty good. A smile came naturally to my face. I got to work and a friend told me I was looking radiant then asked how I was feeling. I told her honestly I was feeling pretty good. It felt unbelievable. I was glad to feel a lift in my spirit. Then came lunch. I decided it was a pretty day and I would go out to the Robin's Nest and get an egg salad sandwich. I went down the elevator, walked out the door and WHAM - I was hit by a Mack Truck. At least that's how it felt. All of a sudden I had my breath taken away and I started crying. Then thoughts of Elijah living in Salt Lake City came to my mind. As I walked to the restaurant it didn't let up. I continued crying as I ordered my lunch, got it, went outside and ate it, returned to the office, and sat at my desk. The president's assistant came to tell me she was going to lunch and caught me crying. I currently sit in my own little area where people don't usually see me and that's been a wonderful blessing. Today, however, I got caught. I tried to stifle my tears and was pretty successful until I left to go home and hit the outdoors once again. There's no rhyme or reason. It just came. The truck found me, smacked me, and ruined my otherwise good day. How long until I can concentrate on my blessings? How long until my other children and grandchildren get their mother and grandmother back? I know this hole in my heart will never heal, just scar over. But is this my new normal? In some ways I never want to stop hurting. In my sick little mind hurting is loving. I so want Elijah back. People tell me I'll see him again, but I will never see him while I'm living and so I wait the rest of my life with empty arms. I know I have a husband and sons and daughters-in-law, parents and grandchildren. But each one is loved independently from the others. A loss of any of them leaves my arms empty when I want to hold them. I don't mean to be a whiner, but I miss him so much and it hurts so badly. It's like getting hit by a Mack Truck.