Denial

Such a hard month. One year ago this was the last month of your life. Who knew? You struggled so much. I felt so helpless. How is it possible you're gone? How is it even possible?  God, if he exists is so very cruel. He wants mothers to live by faith when her takes our children. I don't understand how that makes me stronger. I lived by faith my whole life. Not now. Not with this. This sucks. My precious pearl was taken. My son is gone from me. I will not live by faith.  His plan sucks. How to get out of this abyss. It can't be happening.

New Birth of Spring

No spring inside of me. Just the grief of winter's death. Part of me wants to feel the joy of living just for you because I know you would want me to, but I'm sorry Elijah. Winter has been around for a year. I've become an eskimo.

Miss you like crazy

Wish I could just spill my heart out.  Wish I knew whether you still exist or not.  Dad doesn't think life goes on.  He thinks it's easier to believe this is all we get.  I don't want to give up on the thought that we go on and I'll see you again but I have no evidence.  Just this empty heart.  I'm afraid I'm a doubting Thomas.  I won't believe unless I see and I want to see so badly.  I'm probably one of the most wanting to have faith faithless people on the earth right now.  I know living Elijah, but I don't know dying.  I miss you so much it hurts every single day.

Grief

Today Jentry posted a grief article.  I read it in the morning and really related with it.  As I was driving home tonight I was thinking how today was the 1st and tomorrow will be 9 months since you left us.  I read the poetry your Dad writes and it captures feelings about you and your death so realistically to me.  I read Aunt Deanna's posts on Facebook that she writes to Scott, Sam, and David and her words are so beautiful and full of everything.  I don't have a way with words for you Elijah. Just know my heart aches unceasingly.  My brain just doesn't work right these days.  Whereas I used to be able to do school so well, I just can't seem to remember anything I'm studying for the CPA exam.  My body, my brain, and my heart have had enough.  I really don't understand how Aunt Deanna is still alive.  She's lost over half her family if you don't count her.  3 of the 5 other important people in her life have died in under 3 years and 2 of them in under 1 year.  It's hard for me to realize the body can function under those circumstances.  My brain has said enough.  My heart still skips a beat when I think of not seeing you ever again in my lifetime.  I hope you're alive.  I hope our spirits go on.  I want to see you again, talk to you again, hug you again, hear you sing again, see your dimpled smile again.  Without any of those things life is just not as beautiful for me.  I wonder how long my heart can go on.  I haven't gotten to be like the woman in the grief article Jentry posted.  She is sticking it to grief; not letting grief have her life but she is living the life her son would have loved to have gotten.  I want to do that for you but I just can't yet.  The empitness of your loss makes it seem impossible to ever really enjoy anything again.  I'm sorry.  I want to but I can't.  I'm buried in grief.

Emptiest Nest

Well Elijah,
Ben left home today.  After putting his life pursuits on hold to help care for you, he's reentering the human rat race.  He left for Califorrnia.  Now all of my sons are so far away.  Our home is so empty. It's incredibly lonely.  Your background music, young friends, grandchildren, brothers mingling---all gone.  So silent.  So not what I thought having children gone would feel like.  Is the best past?  I wish the world would have ended before you did.  I don't know when this sadness that engulfs my soul will disperse.  I can't imagine it ever dispersing.  When you left a part of me died.  With my sons gone it's incredibly hard.  I used to look forward to the freedom having my boys gone would bring.  My soul is anything but free.  Funny how my freedom is tied to having you boys around.  If you were alive and gone, it wouldn't be so hard.  I would know I could call you or see you whenever I wanted.  I know I can do that with your brothers, but since you died the control I felt over life has disintegrated.  No control, no certainty, nothing but hope and faith.  I had those at one time too, tremendous hope, unbreakable faith.  I hoped you'd be cured, I hoped you would go on to sing for those suffering.  I had faith Heavenly Father would hear our prayers, the prayers in temples, the prayers in other religious congregations, the prayers of little children.  Nothing, hope - barely hanging on - it's all I have.  Faith - not even of a particle of a mustard seed.  Now your songs are the only quasi relief I get from suffering.  Your music is a two-edged sword. I love hearing your voice, having your talent engulf me.  But with every note you sing comes a recognition that no more songs will be made.  That cuts.  Now I'm not just an empty-nester, but I am a broken empty-nester.  This bird has broken her wings and will not fly.  Not now anyway.  No dreams.

Why faith?

God,
Do you even hear me?  You teach me to love and have faith.  In all previous deaths of loved ones I believed.  I had hope. I remained faithful.  Why must I just have to hold on to faith?  Why can't I see Elijah and know he lives?  Just once?  Just a minute?  Come on, I'm his mom.  I was sick, and sore, and hurt when I was pregnant but I endured.  I stayed at home with him when he was young.  I took him to practices, to games, got him a guitar to develop his talents.  I welcomed his friends without judgment.  I loved them all, I fed them, I housed them.  I held callings all my life and gave everything to them.  You've taken him from me and that is so hard.  But why do I also have to just go on faith? Why can't I see him - just once?  I know there's so much suffering in the world.  Parents lose their kids everyday.  I know.  This is life.  But it hurts so much and it would take so little to ease my pain. Why won't you?  What have I done so terribly wrong that you have left me alone? You let people like Donald Trump be wealthy and mean and you let him rule on the earth while someone as mild and gentle as Elijah you take.  I know we have to have agency but why must grieving mothers not get comfort?  Why after 58 years of faithfulness can't I just see him for a second?  I don't understand you God.  You told me in my patriarchal blessing that the righteous desires of my heart would be mine. Why is the desire to know not righteous?  Miracles happen to people all over the earth.  In and out of the church people see departed loved ones.  They live to testify of you and life beyond.  People come and give genealogical information.  Why can't a son come and calm his mother's aching heart?
I don't understand but I do hurt.  As a mother I couldn't do that to my child.  Are you even there?

Holiday re-cap

Dear Elijah,

It's December 27th, 8:19 AM and i just got into work.  I'll be one of 3 people in the office today so things will be quiet. That's always refreshing since i like the quiet.  I had a really nice Christmas.  I went to Colorado Christmas Eve Morning to be with my family. I stopped and had a Chai with your dad at Starbucks and then we went back to your house to see if your mom was still there, but she had gone shopping and Ben was at work. I left them 3 records that had been on my list of "vinyls for Eli", somehow, I have to finish that list, but then I realized that it'll never be complete cuz every time i hear a good album or find a new artist, ill make a mental note that "this is one Elijah would like" and it will get added to a never ending list. In a way, I think it's a good thing, it will keep you forever in the front of my mind, but i wonder if I'll ever be able to think or talk about you without bawling? I don't know. 

 I'm always reminded of the many blessings I have when I go home. Not many people are surrounded by 28 Immediate family members on the holidays.  My mom always goes to so much work to make sure the house looks like a winter wonderland. Every room has some type of decoration and it's one thing I have always loved. Everything is always festive. My dad always cooks a prime rib for dinner and while it's usually too pink for me, they always save and end cut so i don't have to gag. My siblings all show up, their kids all matching, and everything is right, you know, I don't have anything to complain about, Elijah, my life is so good.....but there's this one thing..... One of my favorite people isn't around to wish a merry Christmas to, and his family, who I adore, are spending their first Christmas without their Son, Brother, & Uncle, and it rips me to shreds inside, like it wrecks some serious havoc on all the good that is sitting right before me, and then I just become angry.  I laid on the couch Christmas day, all fucking day, didn't shower, I watched about 5 John Wayne movies with my mom and dad and football (which i absolutely hate) but the house was quiet and we ate leftovers and I drifted in and out and did nothing which kind of felt good. A few siblings stopped by to say hey, I held my Niece, Loxxley for an hour, she sang some song that I remember learning as a kid that has all of these actions you do with your hands about "bringing home my baby bumble bee, wont my mommy be so proud of me" and the bee stings you and then you squash the baby bumble bee, and it was hysterical, and for a second I forgot that I was sad and then they left and I just kind of rolled over on the couch to pretend like I was sleeping and I cried for about an hour and then I pulled it together and then it was time for bed. Mostly, I feel like sleeping a lot these days.

The night before I headed out, I stopped by Ryan and Katie's to give them their Christmas presents and they surprised me with the coolest Record player.  Way too generous of them.  But now I will have a record player that works and I can listen to all of the vinyls that have been collecting dust in my living room. so cool.  It was awesome to see him for a few minutes and I'm glad he was able to come home and see the little dudes and Katie. It's gotta be rough being away like that. He sent me a photo last night of the fireplace that they finished and the house is coming together nicely.  

Oh yeah, I nearly forgot to tell you.....Nathan Marabello stopped by my house last week to grab one of your cd's that I brought from your release party. I gave him a pin which he added to the ones he had on his levi jacket and he hugged me about 5 times and just kept saying "thank you" and he got all teary and just had to leave.....so it was good to see that it's not just me who gets like that......

Your release party was nothing short of perfect..... I mean it. you'd have been over the moon. I pictured you there just grinning at all of it.  Huge turnout, t-shirts, posters, pins, vinyl, cd. Even the music Jared played between and after the performances was beautiful...the 3 performers were brilliant, the songs left me standing there fighting the weeps and then there was the video that Ben put together that played to your cd.  I think the night was something that everyone needed, it was a necessary step in the goodbye process, it was tragic, and beautiful and peaceful all at the same time. the one thing I felt the entire night, the thing that kept coming to mind was how PROUD I am of you. I am thankful to you and I will be forever for working so hard to be able to leave your music for us. it's the greatest gift you could have given and i just can't believe the determination you  had, even in your weakest most painful moments, to continue working on your music.....I knew you were working on it, but until I heard it, that night, I didn't fully understand how talented you are.....Buddy, were you there? did you see or hear any of it? were you pleased? do you peak down on us when we are working at Ryan's house? do you hear me when i whisper "Elijah, are you here my friend?" up to the attic every time I'm over there? sometimes i think i feel ya, other times i think I'm just bat-shit crazy.  

I miss u, so bad , and I hate it.

I think I'm becoming bitter, and I hate bitter people.

I say Fuck about 300 times a day, I flip the bird to people on the freeway, you know those ass-hats who like to drive 60 in the 70 lane, and I tell myself Elijah would be really disappointed in you right now, and then I become sad and say fuck about 300 more times.

Then I go to Ryan and Katie's, I see Beck and Bob and I'm filled with Happy and then I drive home and walk in my house and I go, "oh great, another beer and another cheese quesadilla for dinner" and then I'm sad and pissed-off again.

I feel good and hopeful for the hour I'm with my therapist and then I wake up the next day and I'm incredibly pissed off....I never saw you pissed off. how is that?  I saw you at the lowest point a person could possibly be, and you were never pissed off......always calm, always nice, sometimes melencholy, sometimes weak, Tired, but never pissed off. I don't have that kind of strength....You should be here.  Period! I'm sorry! I'm so, so sorry!

I hope the new year can bring something new. Maybe something Happy, or funny.

Anything really, just something new, cuz everything is just one big blur right now. A sad, heartbreaking blur.  I don't want to leave only sad here on your blog, but I cant fake it either, and pretend like things are great, cuz they aren't. 

it only took me 2 hours to type this...hmmmm!

I love u, my friend. so @#$%^&* much!

Jentry