Ben left home today. After putting his life pursuits on hold to help care for you, he's reentering the human rat race. He left for Califorrnia. Now all of my sons are so far away. Our home is so empty. It's incredibly lonely. Your background music, young friends, grandchildren, brothers mingling---all gone. So silent. So not what I thought having children gone would feel like. Is the best past? I wish the world would have ended before you did. I don't know when this sadness that engulfs my soul will disperse. I can't imagine it ever dispersing. When you left a part of me died. With my sons gone it's incredibly hard. I used to look forward to the freedom having my boys gone would bring. My soul is anything but free. Funny how my freedom is tied to having you boys around. If you were alive and gone, it wouldn't be so hard. I would know I could call you or see you whenever I wanted. I know I can do that with your brothers, but since you died the control I felt over life has disintegrated. No control, no certainty, nothing but hope and faith. I had those at one time too, tremendous hope, unbreakable faith. I hoped you'd be cured, I hoped you would go on to sing for those suffering. I had faith Heavenly Father would hear our prayers, the prayers in temples, the prayers in other religious congregations, the prayers of little children. Nothing, hope - barely hanging on - it's all I have. Faith - not even of a particle of a mustard seed. Now your songs are the only quasi relief I get from suffering. Your music is a two-edged sword. I love hearing your voice, having your talent engulf me. But with every note you sing comes a recognition that no more songs will be made. That cuts. Now I'm not just an empty-nester, but I am a broken empty-nester. This bird has broken her wings and will not fly. Not now anyway. No dreams.
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