Grief

Today Jentry posted a grief article.  I read it in the morning and really related with it.  As I was driving home tonight I was thinking how today was the 1st and tomorrow will be 9 months since you left us.  I read the poetry your Dad writes and it captures feelings about you and your death so realistically to me.  I read Aunt Deanna's posts on Facebook that she writes to Scott, Sam, and David and her words are so beautiful and full of everything.  I don't have a way with words for you Elijah. Just know my heart aches unceasingly.  My brain just doesn't work right these days.  Whereas I used to be able to do school so well, I just can't seem to remember anything I'm studying for the CPA exam.  My body, my brain, and my heart have had enough.  I really don't understand how Aunt Deanna is still alive.  She's lost over half her family if you don't count her.  3 of the 5 other important people in her life have died in under 3 years and 2 of them in under 1 year.  It's hard for me to realize the body can function under those circumstances.  My brain has said enough.  My heart still skips a beat when I think of not seeing you ever again in my lifetime.  I hope you're alive.  I hope our spirits go on.  I want to see you again, talk to you again, hug you again, hear you sing again, see your dimpled smile again.  Without any of those things life is just not as beautiful for me.  I wonder how long my heart can go on.  I haven't gotten to be like the woman in the grief article Jentry posted.  She is sticking it to grief; not letting grief have her life but she is living the life her son would have loved to have gotten.  I want to do that for you but I just can't yet.  The empitness of your loss makes it seem impossible to ever really enjoy anything again.  I'm sorry.  I want to but I can't.  I'm buried in grief.