Brains

I am discovering new things about my brain. It has a hard time accepting something that it doesn't want to be. It gets tired very easily. It doesn't keep lots of information like it did before Elijah died. It races all the time but sometimes feels so empty in its race. The brain overwhelms the body. Ok, so I knew some of this stuff about my brain but it's on repeat every day. It's just plain weird living knowing Elijah isn't. Why didn't the world stop? Why does everyone go on? I don't like my new normal. I read quotes about how I create my own happiness; I need to take an optimistic view because life is what I make it; Elijah's in a better place; I'll see him again. My head and brain get this. My heart doesn't. The two aren't walking hand in hand and right now I'd rather pay attention to my heart. I know if I listened to my head maybe things could change but as I was at the Wilco concert last night having a good time, all of a sudden I felt guilty that I could feel like having a good time. I thought, "How would it have felt to Elijah to have known his mom could be dancing and smiling while he was dead and not getting to enjoy the bands he loved? I just sat down and cried. I get upset with myself that I can even consider finding joy without him. It's rather a revolting thought to me right now. People say he would want me to be happy. Maybe so, but as a daughter I feel a little crushed thinking my mom could ever be happy if I died. I know it's crazy. These are the thoughts that run through my mind and nothing is ever settled these days. Tomorrow is 3 months since he closed his eyes and stopped breathing. It's so hard to take that that happened because he told me he was afraid to go to sleep because he was afraid he wouldn't wake up and I wasn't there to assure him I'm keep him breathing. Maybe he was so tired he wanted to stop. Mike did try immediately to resuscitate him. I would have yelled at him to wake up. I would have tried and tried and tried. I would have fought for him like I promised. Maybe he just relaxed so much everything just stopped and couldn't be awakened, but I wasn't there to tell him (if his spirit is still alive and it left his body and he saw everyone), I wasn't there for him to see that I didn't want him to die. I know he knew it, but I feel cheated that I didn't have the chance to maybe feel his spirit leave. I don't know. I know I'm just babbling but my heart hurts. I miss him. I can't believe I'll never see him again as long as I have this mortal life. I really want him to show himself to me in the spirit. Why, Why, Why must I live by faith? Isn't it enough that I have to live the next however long I have without him? I hate this.