I Just Can't

We all spoke after you died about the many places we wanted to carry your ashes. Places you wanted to go, things you wanted to see. At least your ashes could be there. But Elijah, I can't do it. Right after you died we took your ashes to the Redwoods in California. I thought it would be an event that gave some solace to my soul. But, as your dad and brothers climbed that huge rock protruding out of the ocean and opened the bottle to let your ashes fly in the breeze into the ocean, I died all over again. I didn't want to let a single part of you go. When it came time to spread ashes in the Redwoods after that, I couldn't be there. I couldn't watch a part of you go again. Today your dad wants us to go to the aspen grove in Utah that you wanted to visit and spread some ashes. I'm sorry Elijah, I can't do it. It's hard for me to even think about the fact that we had your body cremated. Before we did I thought all these glorious things about your body returning to the earth to nourish it. Now I think of your body not existing. You see, as a young girl and through 49 years of membership in the church I've read of bodies arising from their graves to meet Christ. I know it's silly to think so black and white about it, but your body doesn't exist to rise if that happens. Where would you be when you arose? How would I find you? I know intellectually that this is really silly. Are Adam and Eve's bodies to be found anywhere? What about the pioneers who were wrapped in blankets on the plains and left to the wolves to eat? What about all those people whose religions have their bodies creamated? What about the bodies wrecked with body parts strewn all about? What about those whose bodies are exploded by bombs and deteriorate into nothing? Intellectually I realize our bodies will return eventually to the earth, but I guess somehow I hope you would have been allowed to re-enter yours and come back to us. I know if that was going to happen in could have before you were cremated, they had your body for a week. But to think that we cremated you, it's just been really, really hard for me. Then to willingly give up your ashes.... well, I just can't.