It's Sunday morning and I've been up for 2 hours dragging the damn hose around the yard, giving the lawn a drink before its 100 degrees outside. I have always loved the quiet of morning and the quiet at midnight, so those are the hours I am usually the most in-tune with the world and myself. I'm wide awake at noon on most days, but because I crave the quiet, I'm not usually in-tune at noon. This means I sleep very little, especially lately. I bring it on myself really, for 18 years I have set my alarm to go off beginning at 5:00 AM, 5:15, 5:30, 5:45, 6:00, 6:15, 6:30, 6:45, 7:00, 7:15, and at 7:30 I finally get up. People give me the strangest look when I tell them that, but it's how I've operated for nearly two decades and I am a little OCD and have always functioned better when i stick with a pattern. I think that might be changing.
I was in Island Park with my family 2 weeks ago and the cabin we rented put me in a loft that looked down on all of my nieces and nephews. Everything was open to the floor below and I knew i would be in trouble if I woke everyone up at the crack of dawn everyday so......I turned off my alarms and took a huge step in an attempt to maybe break out of my absurd morning routine. Again, this was huge for me, LOL. Want to know what happened? I was wide awake each morning at 3:45, without the assistance of an alarm. When I returned from vacation, I decided to set the alarm at 6:30, 7:00 & 7:30, and I have broken a pattern for and entire week. Baby steps, right??? One other thing you should know is that I don't remember dreams. I have heard people say that just because you don't remember a dream doesn't mean that you don't dream. The last dream I can remember was a few months after my cousin passed away, 7 years ago. It was vivid and awesome and I remember it like it was yesterday, but I have not been able to remember a dream in 7 years. Yesterday though, I had a 10 second dream about you that woke me up. it was simple, no words were said....I was knocking on the door of your parents house, you opened the door, you had hair, you looked healthy and you just gave me a hug. it felt real, and you had a huge grin on your face.....that's all.
Your mom and i have had several conversations about wanting a sign from you. I wouldn't necessarily say this dream was a sign, perhaps just a change in my sleep pattern that has finally allowed me to fall into a deep enough sleep that I can dream??? I don't know, i just don't know. but that dream was something I needed. I laid on the couch, cuz that's where I have slept for nearly 4 months now, and i cried, an hour later I was still crying, I got up to mow the lawn and I cried some more.....(I don't know what it is about mowing the lawn but I do some of my best crying in the yard) all of the students walking to Westminster must think there is something wrong with me cuz this happens every time I mow my lawn.
I went to the rodeo in Heber City last night with a co-worker and his wife. they had a stand out by the food vendors that had all of these different colored bandannas that each represented a different type of cancer. Testicular cancer was orchid, but they didn't have any orchid bandannas and it made me mad. Karl Malone was there auctioning off a new Polaris 4 wheeler to be donated to the rodeo's cancer foundation called "Buck Cancer" I personally think they should replace the B with an F, but that's just me. someone in the crowd bought it for $17,000. I was actually glad to see Karl Malone talking about his mother-in-law who passed away from cancer and he was just standing out there, this gigantic dude crying in front of a good 5,000 people, so it felt good to not be the only one there shedding a few tears. They paid tribute to one of the women on the Heber Rodeo committee who passed away this year from pancreatic cancer and her sons rode their horses out into the arena, took the saddles off, gave the horses a smack on the ass and the horses just ran back and forth as the sun went down. The mountains in the background as the sun was setting were beautiful, although I could have done without the Reba McIntire song that they were playing..... i just pretended that it was Sigur Ros.
I came across a quote by Charles Bukowski, I went to his facebook page, the dude is cynical and crass, two things I'm trying to avoid becoming, although i do love me a bit of crass. but he has some good, heavy sad stuff...this one hit me in the guts.
"When you left
you took almost everything,
I kneel in the nights
before tigers, that will not let me be.
WHAT YOU WERE WILL NOT HAPPEN AGAIN"
Elijah, I love you brotha.
maybe I'll see ya again soon....in a dream.
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