Damned Hell

Elijah, I thought by now that things would get better. They're not. I want to run away. Every weekend I feel the need to escape to the mountains. Thing is, there's no escaping the pain. I miss you so very much. I still find it hard to believe I won't see you again in this life. It seems so unreal. But every day goes by and you aren't here...only your memories. People say to be happy for the memories. Thing is, the last two years I have so many memories of you in pain, of you losing your hair and weight, of you crying in my arms. I look at pictures of you in youth and those seem so far away. High school days are great memories though. If I can go to them I can smile. But those damn cancer days...there's no escaping what pain you had to bear. And yet, because of them I got to touch you tenderly every day. I got to tell you how much I love you every day and you said it back so many times in a day. Memories of holding you in bed because you couldn't sleep. Memories of encouraging you and saying you're going to beat this. Memories of you playing your guitar and singing. Memories of our time alone in Indiana. Then come the memories of you not being able to play anymore, not being able to walk anymore, not being able to talk anymore. God I miss you. The heartache is beyond anything I could have imagined. I look at pictures of the Savior in Gethsemane and upon the cross and I now realize none of them come close to showing the agony. The pictures almost look peaceful to me now. What once moved my heart to tears doesn't touch the emotion of agony, pain, and loss I feel. No way can any man capture the pain of Mary let alone the Savior. If he felt my pain, I don't see how he could survive as a human bearing all man's sin, pain, agony, suffering. Even if he was part God, I would think those things would burst his heart well before he was nailed to a cross. I just don't understand. All we have is sanitized agony that totally leaves us unprepared for real agony.

Is this what hell is like? Everyday I walk through fog. Utah had a fire burning that filled the air with smoke. The way the air looked is how I feel inside. I forget things; I get time mixed up; and I'm so tired all the time. Not a regular "haven't had enough sleep" tired but a heavy emotional tired I've never experienced. I hope your spirit is alive somewhere. The church tells me that. I don't feel it yet. People tell me you are near and ask if I feel your nearness. I don't. I don't feel God near. When I go to church I feel such pain. It's so hard to go because people are alive, going forward with their activities and to me the world should be stopping. How can we go on? My world is stopped somehow while still going. Isn't that the definition of damned? Like water is damned and stopped from going in a direction it would like to go yet it still has currents flowing in it. That's me. I'm damned and have currents of life flowing in my veins but it's like life is stuck in my body. It's so weird, so incredibly weird.