I DONT KNOW...

When I was a kid, I remember looking at all the adults in my life…… I thought they knew everything.  It seemed like none of them ever said, “I don’t know.”  I grew up thinking that one day I would have all the answers to whatever life threw at me.  For the last 10 years though, I feel like I’ve been scratching my head and saying, “I just don’t know” way more than, “I know.”

Nearly two years ago, I met Elijah Kent Buxton at the Annex Pub in Sugarhouse.  I live in the neighborhood and the Annex became my home away from home.  The first time I walked into the place, I met Elijah.  It was mid-morning, and I was with my buddy from high school and his wife who were visiting from Denver.  We were the only ones there.  A few minutes into our conversation, Eli came and sat at the bar with us.  He was reading Essays in Existentialism by Jean-Paul Sartre.  He began conversing with us when my friends and I started talking about music.  We liked a lot of the same stuff: Arcade Fire, Sigur Ros, Conor Oberst.  I immediately knew I liked the kid.   Long story short, at the time I DIDN’T KNOW, that a year and a half later we would be friends through emails, text messages and Facebook Messenger. I DIDN’T KNOW I would grow to love him like my own little brother and WE DIDN’T KNOW that while we were sitting at the bar, enjoying a conversation between complete strangers, that he had cancer.  20 months later, I DON’T KNOW why my friend is sick in a hospital bed.  I DON’T KNOW how he remains so strong. I DON’T KNOW why I’ve had the good fortune of spending Monday afternoons with him for the last 5 or 6 weeks. I DON’T KNOW why his brothers and parents have taken time out of their days and nights to give me an update.. when a few days have passed and I haven’t heard from Elijah because he has been in so much pain, that he’s unable to respond……But here is what I DO KNOW:

I KNOW that when I met him I was sad. Going through the motions that we sometimes go through in this life, when it all seems like too much, when it seems like a dark cloud is hovering over you and you can’t seem to make it go away.

I KNOW that Elijah seemed like one of the happiest humans I had ever encountered.

I KNOW that when I met him, I immediately wanted to find out what made him glow.

I KNOW that 2 human beings can become friends without ever really saying much or hanging out.

I KNOW that music can lift the sickest of spirits.

I KNOW that I’ve done more crying in 20 months than I have in all 38 years of my life combined.

I KNOW that before me, each Monday, sits a human being with a ridiculously strong will to live and beat this nasty cancer.

I KNOW that Elijah knows that he is loved.

I KNOW that on more than one occasion, I have been watching him from the couch, his eyes closed, and he opens his eyes and sees me staring at him with tears in my eyes and he always just smiles and says, “life is beautiful when people are good to each other.”

I KNOW he wakes up every day and literally gives it everything he’s got.

I KNOW I believe in him

I KNOW that I look forward to the day when we can look back and “flip the bird” to cancer.

I KNOW I want to see him perform his music.

I KNOW that the world would be a much better place if everyone was kind, like Eli.

I KNOW that when a person decides to start a conversation with another human being, a fellow traveler on the path of this unpredictable life, that a life can be completely changed for the better.

I KNOW he needs all of us right now.

I KNOW that life can be gut wrenching and beautiful at the same time, and I KNOW that we don’t always have to have the answers, in fact, NOT KNOWING sometimes leads us to the best lessons we will ever learn.

I HOPE that each of us can find a way to be there for Elijah and his family. That we can keep his spirits up, because I KNOW he would do the same for us.  

 

I love you all,

I love you Elijah.