Breakable Mom

We drove to the Redwoods and hiked to the ocean to spread some of your ashes. I couldn't do it. I can't bear to willingly part with any part of you. I still feel like I'm in the worst nightmare of my life. I'm surrounded by loved ones trying to lift me up and I want to be happy and show gratitude for the blessings I still have, but living without you just hurts right now. Not knowing if we really have spirits that go on forever. It's not like it even matters. For the rest of my life I will wake up to mornings without your sweet "I love you, Mom" and nights will indeed be dark without "See you in the morning." It hurts and I'm broken. God, I love you Elijah. You were the background music in my life's movie. Forever silenced. 😢