Trying to Live

Gosh Elijah, I read another book this week telling me that people live after they die.  All of these near-death experiences, witnesses to the spirit leaving the body, angels visiting.  I have no evidence you still exist.  The book I read this week: One Foot in Heaven was written by a hospice nurse who had a near-death experience when she was 16.  She said it's her experience that it's very unusual for people not to feel the presence of their loved one when they've passed.  What's the problem with us? What's the problem with me?  Am I so out of tune?  I so want to feel you.  People talk about feeling engulfed by love, of hearing their loved one, of being directed by their loved one, of being visited by their love one.  Nothing here.  Not one damn thing to indicate you're still alive in spirit playing beautiful music, meeting wonderful people, having great experiences.  Was I not loving enough that God could let you do something?  Anything?  I'm trying so hard Elijah, really I am.  I'm trying to believe in God,.  I'm trying to understand His purpose in this.  I'm trying to see my blessings. I'm so very alone in this venture to believe, to hope, to exercise faith.  What's wrong with me?  What lack I yet?  There's been no balm of Gilead. No comfort. No relief from hurting for the loss of you.  Yes, I'm going on.  Yes, I'm trying to be strong.  Yes, I'm forging a life.  Why won't God let me feel you?  4  1/2 months.  Silence.  Cold emptiness where you once provided warmth.  I miss you so much. I haven't been able to listen to your music for a while.  It hurts and yet I'm so thankful I get to hear your voice and see the videos. I'm thankful but I want to know you're ok, you're happy, you're alive.  This is so hard, so very hard.  By far the worst trial of my life.  Oh how I feel for parents who lose children, for parents who can't provide for their children.  Where I used to be sad when I saw those sad stories, now I'm so entirely overcome by them.  Can this ever possibly be turned to my good?  I don't really care as long as you still live and are happy.  I just wish I could know.  I'll take a burning in the bosom. Please please please.  Can't God send a messenger my way?