This is the place.

I miss you so much.  Have I said that before?  When I see what we were doing 2 years ago at this time the whole stupid tragedy began.  What?  Only 18 months from start to finish?  So much pain and heartache.  In some ways it feels like eons.  In others, it's only yesterday.  For those of Elijah's friends who took the time to follow this blog, you may want to unfollow.  Mike told me he didn't think it was good to wear my heart on my sleeve on Facebook so I think I'll just have to stop posting there.  I'll follow everyone and make good comments, but I'll be keeping my pain to myself.  I realize seeing others' pain and not being able to do a damn thing about it is hard and I don't want to make life hard for others.  But here, this is my place.  Elijah wanted this blog.  He said he deserved this blog but he never really got to see it.  He was so weak by the time Leanne and I put it together.  So now it's my place for me and Elijah (and occasionally Jentry gets to hurt here too.)  I don't think anyone in my family sees this but Leanne does and I know she'll be ok if I wear my heart on my sleeve as will Jentry.  We know we really can't do anything but hurt together and go on. Sometimes the hurt is just so incredibly deep that I just have to put it out there or it will eat me up inside.I don't understand God's plan. I've decided I'd rather believe in him than not, but now I'm on a journey to understand.  I know you can't enjoy the sweet without the bitter but isn't it bad enough to have to work through family relationships, disappointments, job losses, bad test scores, bad economies....do we really have to have murder, disease, car wrecks, suicide, etc?  Why couldn't the plan allow us to die peaceful deaths at 50+ years or 60+?  What harm would it be in allowing parents to love their children and die before them in all instances?  Why take our children?  Why suffer from diseases that will probably be cured in 500 years?  The church has pat answers for all of this but it so doesn't resonate with me.  Or, why can't the Lord just let us all experience seeing our loved ones like at the end of the movie "Ghost" so we know?  Why must faith mean not knowing for the rest of my life?  Why must I get up each day and not have the comfort of having him say to me, "Mom, I'm happy, Heaven's great and I am alive?"  I wish I could at least have him tell me he is alive.  Other people testify of seeing loved ones.  It's not like I'm asking for hours with him.  Just a minute.  Just enough time to say I'm so sorry I wasn't there that day.  He said he wished I could stay home.  oh why didn't I listen?  Why didn't I realize the end was so close?  I tried so hard to hold out hope for him and if I went to work he'd know he wasn't that bad.  He slept so soundly that morning.  The one morning I didn't get to hear him say, "I love you Mom" before I went to work. I wouldn't wake him because he was sleeping so soundly.  He didn't even awaken when I kissed him and whispered ever so lightly - "I love you 'Lij." Why couldn't I be one of those people that can see the spirit leave the body?  Why couldn't I be there to tell him I loved him like each of his brothers and Dad got to do?  I feel like I really failed him.  I was the only one not there, the only one.... his mom.  I feel like such a crappy mom. What mother doesn't recognize her son's last days?  I should never have been a mother.  I've done more harm than good.  My poor sons, I tried, really I did but I failed them in so many ways.  I still do. How is it that they're so much more wise than me?  Why couldn't God have taken me instead?  What happens now?  How do I approach life?  What matters?  How will I screw up today?  The only thing I'm really good at is employment.  I feel like I should just spend 24/7 at work. At least if you put your energies into work and people that aren't family, you can generally feel successful.  You don't spend time in relationships at the family level at work so you don't screw people up.  Elijah, why you got me as a mom I'll never know.  You're heart was too good for me.  I'm sorry if I hurt you.  I'm so sorry.  I love you so much.  I miss you so much.  I want you back so much.  I want to see you so much. I hurt so much without you. I feel so alone here.  Everyone else has lives.  I dont' know if I want a life.  It's too painful.  Michael and Ryan have families.  Ben and Mike have their friends and adventures.  I have work.  I don't know what I want but I do know you helped me feel needed and loved.  You were the best and now you're gone.  What am I supposed to do with that?