Of Flights on the Fringe

Oh my dear Elijah how incredibly much I miss you. Words are so hollow. This morning I went outside and sat in the hammock Jentry bought you that you never got to use. I looked up in the sky and four white birds with black tipped wings were circling in the sky. Thing was three were flying in formation and the fourth was flying around them. As they moved from west to east then north out of my sight the three birds continued in alternating in their formation but one just circled them as they changed direction, ever on the fringe. That's exactly how I see you now. Flying on the fringe while your brothers fly together moving through life. I love you so, so, so very much.

Gone

I got up yesterday and gave you a kiss on the forehead before I left for work like I always do. I said, "I love you" like everyday only today you didn't wake up and say it back. I was glad you were getting rest and breathing easy. I get called out of a meeting at work to be told that my husband's been trying to get a hold of me. I call him and he tells me I better come home, Elijah is going down hill quickly. I pull together my things and get rides. The freeway was a parking lot. 8 wrecks. We go State Street. Mike calls and wonders how long we'll be. Elijah has died but you don't tell me. I think things must be bad because it sounded like he'd been crying but I never imagined.... I get home to my three living sons and husband who gather me in their arms and tell me, "He's gone." NO!NO!NO!NO!NO!NO!NO!NO!NO!NO! that's all that would come. "Where is he? Is he still here?" I run into the house. Gone is the oxygen tubing, the IV stand, the night stands, all of it but the hospital bed now laying flat whereas this morning it was in an upright position so you could breathe. There you lay. Beautiful baby boy. Beautiful son. Beautiful human being. I lay by your side and caressed your perfectly round head. I stroked your cheeks. I held you. I did not want to let you go. I thought it was hard to see you in pain, oh how excruciating the loss. To never see those beautiful round blue eyes say, "I love you mummsie." Anymore. The sun went down. The sun came up and there were no morning kisses. Only sweet I love you Lij to the air.

I DONT KNOW...

When I was a kid, I remember looking at all the adults in my life…… I thought they knew everything.  It seemed like none of them ever said, “I don’t know.”  I grew up thinking that one day I would have all the answers to whatever life threw at me.  For the last 10 years though, I feel like I’ve been scratching my head and saying, “I just don’t know” way more than, “I know.”

Nearly two years ago, I met Elijah Kent Buxton at the Annex Pub in Sugarhouse.  I live in the neighborhood and the Annex became my home away from home.  The first time I walked into the place, I met Elijah.  It was mid-morning, and I was with my buddy from high school and his wife who were visiting from Denver.  We were the only ones there.  A few minutes into our conversation, Eli came and sat at the bar with us.  He was reading Essays in Existentialism by Jean-Paul Sartre.  He began conversing with us when my friends and I started talking about music.  We liked a lot of the same stuff: Arcade Fire, Sigur Ros, Conor Oberst.  I immediately knew I liked the kid.   Long story short, at the time I DIDN’T KNOW, that a year and a half later we would be friends through emails, text messages and Facebook Messenger. I DIDN’T KNOW I would grow to love him like my own little brother and WE DIDN’T KNOW that while we were sitting at the bar, enjoying a conversation between complete strangers, that he had cancer.  20 months later, I DON’T KNOW why my friend is sick in a hospital bed.  I DON’T KNOW how he remains so strong. I DON’T KNOW why I’ve had the good fortune of spending Monday afternoons with him for the last 5 or 6 weeks. I DON’T KNOW why his brothers and parents have taken time out of their days and nights to give me an update.. when a few days have passed and I haven’t heard from Elijah because he has been in so much pain, that he’s unable to respond……But here is what I DO KNOW:

I KNOW that when I met him I was sad. Going through the motions that we sometimes go through in this life, when it all seems like too much, when it seems like a dark cloud is hovering over you and you can’t seem to make it go away.

I KNOW that Elijah seemed like one of the happiest humans I had ever encountered.

I KNOW that when I met him, I immediately wanted to find out what made him glow.

I KNOW that 2 human beings can become friends without ever really saying much or hanging out.

I KNOW that music can lift the sickest of spirits.

I KNOW that I’ve done more crying in 20 months than I have in all 38 years of my life combined.

I KNOW that before me, each Monday, sits a human being with a ridiculously strong will to live and beat this nasty cancer.

I KNOW that Elijah knows that he is loved.

I KNOW that on more than one occasion, I have been watching him from the couch, his eyes closed, and he opens his eyes and sees me staring at him with tears in my eyes and he always just smiles and says, “life is beautiful when people are good to each other.”

I KNOW he wakes up every day and literally gives it everything he’s got.

I KNOW I believe in him

I KNOW that I look forward to the day when we can look back and “flip the bird” to cancer.

I KNOW I want to see him perform his music.

I KNOW that the world would be a much better place if everyone was kind, like Eli.

I KNOW that when a person decides to start a conversation with another human being, a fellow traveler on the path of this unpredictable life, that a life can be completely changed for the better.

I KNOW he needs all of us right now.

I KNOW that life can be gut wrenching and beautiful at the same time, and I KNOW that we don’t always have to have the answers, in fact, NOT KNOWING sometimes leads us to the best lessons we will ever learn.

I HOPE that each of us can find a way to be there for Elijah and his family. That we can keep his spirits up, because I KNOW he would do the same for us.  

 

I love you all,

I love you Elijah.

 

 

 

  

Sound

Know what the most beautiful sound in the world is? Waking up to Elijah humming. That's all. No, that's not all. Know what an ugly sound is? A "Thud" as his legs give way and he falls to the ground, followed by the sound of hyperventilating to catch his breath and then the humming of the nebulizer. Hearing him say: "Have Dad get me water, I don't want you to leave," is both consoling and painful. So glad he wants me near him, so painful because he is in the position of needing that. Healing please work more quickly. Nevertheless, such gratitude that I get to hear him hum.

One Day at a Time

Trying to keep up on my baby. (He'll hate that I said that.) Yesterday was his second dosing of pembrolizumab (immunology). He was quite the trooper. The oncologist was supposed to have the drug shipped down to Utah Valley Regional Medical Center for the treatment so he wouldn't have to travel, but he forgot to send it. So, Elijah got in the car and went to Salt Lake City for the first time in 3 weeks. We thought that it might be too hard for him, but he did it like a champ! Came home and ate and conversed and kept going. He had a little trouble breathing (he's got tumors in his lungs) but the doctor had prescribed a nebulizer and he used it for 5 minutes and was good for breathing through the night. Today he's laid back to recuperate, but he's awake, alert, and right now is watching Fargo Season 2 episode 7 or so. (Not sure, I can't stomach it.) So, I've set up this blog to share Elijah's activities to keep y'all informed. But I don't want to be the "keeper" of it all. Many of you spend time entertaining him. I work all day long. I'd love to put any of his friends on as authors and you can blog about your days with him. Help him have memories to smile at when pain might be tough. He told me today he is weaning himself from taking his pain meds every 3 hours! He's gonna beat this! When he does, all of his friends will have to accompany him to children's hospitals as he plays and sings and encourages others. So, Jentry, Jonny, Jared, Kyle, Michael, Ryan, Benjamin, Mike, Grandma Clester, Katie, Iman, Miles, Keira, Beck, Bob, Liza (Ben's friend), Leanne, Gemma, Tom, Dick, and Harry add your pictures, posts, jokes, videos, lame stories, ideas, and let's all experience this roller coaster ride life's given us!

As you can see from my wonderful photoshop skills, y'all will want to help for Elijah's sake!