Haven't posted in here in a while. It's not that I haven't thought about you. I rarely go to bed, get up, go to work, or return from work without thinking of you. Your grandma reminded me yesterday that I have three other wonderful sons. I know that, I really do. But for now my heart hurts so much that I am consumed with missing you. I don't know when I will ever feel to rejoice about life again. Will I Elijah? Each day passes and unfortunately there's not much I care about living for. I know it sounds pathetic. Especially since you wanted to live so much. I'm sorry it wasn't me. I wish so much you could have had a long beautiful life.
I've had a couple strange things happen to me this past month. I know everyone else in the family will think I was just around a couple of nut cases, but I can't think that. I try, but I can't.
In Hawaii, I floated a lantern for you during the Memorial Day Shinto observance. A young woman tapped me on the shoulder. She was a beautiful young blond girl. She said she was drawn to me from behind. She wanted to know about the person for which I was floating a lantern. I told her about you and about how almost one year to the date you had died from cancer. With tears streaming down her eyes she said, " He wants you to know that he's sorry he had to leave so early." Immediately I thought about her words - so early. The words were not - so young. You see, you passed away an hour before I could get home. I've felt so awful and still do that I hadn't stayed home that day. I regret that I wasn't there for you, sending you off with kisses and my love. So to hear those words - so early when she didn't know I missed you by an hour was pretty significant to me.
I've been praying so much that you would come tell me you were alive and that life goes on. She said you had been trying to send messages to me through other people. I can't think of how except with her. I looked her up on the computer and she's a "spiritual healer." Got a degree in psychology. I wondered if she was trying to drum up business, but that's all she said.
Then, yesterday I was shopping for groceries. I got to the checkout stand and finished paying for groceries and the young woman looked at me and said, "You have eyes just like Jesus Christ. I was in a coma for six months when I was twelve and I still remember it. You're eyes are just like his." I looked at her quizzically and she said, "I hope I haven't offended you." I assured her she hadn't then told her that she had given me something to think about.
I have to hold all of these things in my heart. When I had faith I would have believed it was you sending these messages. Now, I just don't know. I don't bother to share them with anyone in the family because they would just think both of these people are nut cases. But, why am just I getting these messages? You know Elijah, they say things happen in threes. Will you come to me next?
We're always given these talks in general conference about the dead visiting. Can't you just come for a short while? Can't I just hear your voice? When I was young I prayed and had miraculous things happen. I know Mike would explain all of them through nature. Bur I remember hearing so clearly a voice when my dad asked me to pray about his plane. Everything was fulfilled. My brother's warts, overnight. The car battery in Denver, the breakdown outside Price at the sign. The store, the bishop who worked for NAPA Auto parts. And yet...... people pray for deliverance from kidnapping and God answers a prayer for a car? I just don't know.
I've believed God was there my whole life. Now, I don't know. And yet, these two occurrences within a month of each other. I just don't know. I do know I love you with all my heart and don't want you to not exist. But I don't want to make it happen in my heart and mind if it isn't real. It's so hard because I've never been able to live a lie. Even now, I can't go to church because I can't live a lie that it's true or that God even exists. I can't live a lie. Why do I have such scrupulosity? Why can't I make myself believe? My parents and siblings want me to. Georgia thinks I'm some kind of heretic. But, I can't live a lie. So I'm left in this strange limbo. I don't know anything. I just hold it all in my heart along with you hoping that some day I'll know once again, but this time with a sure knowledge. I just can't pretend and it makes me crazy. Help me Elijah. Please?
No comments:
Post a Comment