Elijah Kent,
I feel like its been ages......I had intentions of posting here a lot. Instead, i find that i post everything in my head and it never makes it here to your blog. You know, the conversations i have with you on my way to work in the morning, and the imaginary phone calls asking if you want me to grab you a concert ticket, and the chats we carry on in my head when I'm mowing the lawn, and when i go on a road trip. I talk to you every day, and every day i find myself looking for something i can call a "sign from Elijah Kent" I am wondering if this causes me to make a bigger deal out of things that are just coincidences....... at the same time, there are times where i am convinced that the simplest thing was just "Eli, saying hey". I'm past the point of worrying about anyone thinking i'm crazy for believing that 3 connor oberst songs in a row when my playlist is on shuffle HAS to be your way of letting me know you are there. it makes me feel better to believe it, and i don't give a shit if it makes sense to anyone else. Do we tell ourselves the things we need to tell ourselves to help us get through a day? Sometimes, i question things, but at the end of the day, i refuse to even entertain the though of your life just being over...i cant do it, I refuse. Have you ever just known something without being able to fully explain it? without all the scientific facts or evidence or convincing arguments? Sometimes you just know without knowing how you know. That's where I'm at. 6 months ago, i felt different. i had so many doubts, but believing you are just done with this life, all of these conversations that never happened, laughs never laughed, to think that it's just over.....for me it's not an option. I try to picture myself standing at the pearly gates, and i imagine you there, and i just want to be able to see ya again and be able to look you in the eye and say "I knew I'd see you again" that doesn't seem like such a huge request. to NOT believe this makes me feel like I'm giving up. I wont do it. The world has so many harsh realities, so many things that can make a person doubt. Like the Easter Bunny and Santa Claus, remember what a let down it was when you found out they weren't real? all one has to do is turn on the news, it's easy to believe it's all going to shit. Easier to not believe than to believe and find out you were wrong. But why do we feel obligated to take a yes or no stand on everything???? Is it possible that maybe we just don't know and maybe we can't explain it and maybe that's ok....Maybe evolution and Adam and Eve fit into one big story that we just don't get yet.....why do we think we are so smart that we have enough information to make these decisions? we aren't smart enough to cure cancer, we haven't figured out how to end poverty, we have all of these unanswered, unsolved things going on all around us every day, why can't we be content to look at god and the afterlife and just say, "maybe i don't have enough information yet to give a definitive yes or no" why has it become so easy for people to dismiss anything magical. It reminds me of a conversation you and i had. I remember it well. I showed up to your house and like usual, i saw you in the hospital bed and before i could even say "hey", i was crying. I remember saying, "can i ask you a personal question? and you said "you can ask me anything" and i asked you if you believed in god you said "i hope there is a god and i hope he loves me" I wish that having hope was easier....i believe we should question things, but i don't trust anyone who claims to have all the answers about god and the afterlife. I have hope and a hunch that I'm gonna see you again. Nothing would make me happier. I think of you every day....Every single day....That makes you like one of the most important friends I've ever had. I hope you know this and i hope you never forget it. I don't know if you left this world understanding how amazing you are. You knew you were loved, i know this, but were you aware how important you were to me, how by just knowing you, my life was changed? I hope you knew that. I hope you know that now.
i miss ya today and everyday, but especially today..
I have made an observation.....I have full on ugly face cry sessions every time i log on to a website to buy concert tickets. You should be here, we should have learned to play a guitar/ukulele duet, some days it dawns on me how much stuff you should be here doing and for me, that's the hard part.
Elijah, i feel like i ramble, like i say the same thing in every blog and facebook message...but i never get tired of recalling the few awesome lessons you taught me and conversations that changed my life. There aren't even words, but some day ill find the right words, and when i see ya again, maybe you'll just know. i just hope you know.
Thanks for being my friend.
Looking forward to having Ryan, Katie, Beck & Bob join me at the cabin this year. I always hoped that id be able to show you that place. if ya have a sec, let us know you are watching us.
I love you pal.
J
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