I know you would be disappointed

Sometimes my heart feels like it is breaking inside me.  This time of year is so hard.  For a while I was feeling excited, like I wanted to decorate the house for Christmas because it made me think of you and how excited you would be to get a tree.  I told Dad we should decorate on your birthday like you wanted.  Then, as I went into the store and heard Nat King Cole sing "Chestnuts roasting on an open fire" I practically lost it.  That was the song I always played Christmas morning.  It reminded me of my childhood.  Now, I hear those Time Life Christmas songs and my heart just aches.  You'd be so disappointed.  You knew life went on everyday.  But Elijah, you'd never known death of a loved one.  My heart physically hurts.  Sometimes the ache is so deep and so hard I wonder how I can continue to live with such pain.  You'd be 26 this year in a couple of weeks.  You died at 23.  Everyday since then my heart hurts a little every day.  It hasn't stopped.  Some days it's bearable.  Other days, like today, it hurts so much physically, emotionally, and mentally that I can't believe I am still breathing.  I know if your brothers were around they'd be so sad to see me still aching so.  It's just not right that a child goes before a parent.  Nothing in the world prepares you for that.  Nothing.  Nothing in the world buffers the pain.  Nothing.