Two years today. Two years of everyday sadness and living. How does this happen? Why don't I just break? How is it even possible that I live, breathe, work, laugh sometimes, play, eat, vacation all while having a gaping hole in my heart. I awaken to thoughts of missing you. I go to sleep wondering if you are out there. Do you see us? Do you ever check in? Or, are you just gone- only living in my aching heart? I used to believe this fairy tale that life is eternal, that families are together forever, that we grow, we continue to learn, and we continue. I have no evidence you are anywhere. You've been absent for two years. No visit to let me know you're ok. No feeling of nearness. Nothing but empty loneliness. Church hurts. It's a place where they speak of miraculous healings, of visitations of spirits gone from the earth. I've experienced none of these things so it hurts to feel unworthy of them. All I can do is breathe and keep going until I can't. It all seems so totally impossible.
I look at the trees in full bloom. I recognize that everyday the earth's fruits change. Trees live a long time but sometimes Mother Earth sends disasters that cut their lives short. Other trees take their place. Why shouldn't it be so with people? None of us are born to live forever. I understand that. What I now understand is that while living we have deep cuts that leave scars and like trees that drip maple syrup from holes cut in them, I will drip tears from the hole in my heart until my roots whither up and I leave this earth.
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