Elijah,
I don't know what to believe. I've had 5 Extraordinary Experiences (EE). The first was the day you died. I went outside and looked to the sky and saw 4 birds flying in the V shape but only three were in the V one just kept circling the V. It seemed like the one circling was watching over the other three going in a direction. It felt so much like a representation of what you were doing with your three brothers.
The second was when I went to work 3 days after you died. I was walking from the bus stop to Questar in Salt Lake. When I turned a corner I felt you and I wondered what I was doing going on...I felt you near.
The third happened when I dreamed you came to me happy and told me about being reunited with the love you had before you were born. It felt so real and I was so happy. I wrote a blog about it.
The fourth was when I was in Hawaii and a lady approached me and said you wanted to tell me you were sorry you had to leave early. How could she know you died before I was able to get home from work?
Now today I went to set down in my recliner after work. Immediately I smelled you. One inhale. I looked around. I lifted the throw blanket you gave me. I've washed it since you died and wondered if somehow your scent could still be there but it wasn't . It was a second but it was so real.
I looked it up and all of these are experiences others have with loved ones who've passed. I don't know what to think. I love these "signs." Psychology today wonders if they are hallucinations. But I wasn't even thinking of you when the scent came. I want to know Elijah. I want to know you go on. I want to know life exists after death. I want to know you're happy. I will remain open for more.
C.S. Lewis said we can't hear until we are out of our extreme hurt and mourning. I am trying Elijah, really I am. I'm so lost. I've lost my faith. I don't believe the church teachings of kingdoms and judgement. I'm trying to believe of one great whole we become. All joined. I just want to know. I will hope. I will remain open to you. I will hold all of these things close to my heart and try to believe it's all you trying to comfort me. But there's a part of me that still doubts. Please keep trying to get through to me. Please dont' give up on me. I want to know you. I don't care if people think I'm a crazy lady and that I'm putting too much weight on these things. But please keep trying. I promise I'm watching.
I love the second of scent I got from you. Thank you.
Love,
Mom
